This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
JD Salinger Is My Tap Water (but I still love a Hollywood ending) ;
From Ramrod To Eve N’ God This Female Is Not Yet Rated ;
The Ironies & Ecstasies of Escalating Risk in Film, Art, Life or How I Spent International Women’s Day 2024 while John Robert’s So Called Supreme Court Revoked Women’s Rights “
John Roberts’ so-called Supreme Court revoked women’s rights
I swear I was minding my own business, putting together a plan for our impending appearance at a screening of the cult movie classic “Vice Squad” (1982) co-starring my awesome partner movie icon Wings Hauser and top Actors’ Studio Coach Gary Swanson.
The producers of the upcoming documentary “Wings Hauser Working Class Actor, “ Matt Verbois, Dan Mckeon & Cyrus Voris asked me to join the guys at the Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood for the screening sponsored by American Cinematheque and La-La Land Records.
My role that night was to discuss my partnership with Wings Hauser, my own work as a 21st century actress, director and singer-songwriter and founder of my hand-built up-cycled “sustainable studio” floating in the Venice Beach Canals where we make signature movies, music & books that we describe with mottos & logos relating to either hydroponic farming / aquaculture / organic cuisine or other inspirations from sister arts such as “sustainable fashion” or visual arts.
As we are authentically indie, it’s difficult to pigeonhole my projects, which is part of the purpose for our existence. That’s why we often include terms like “organics,” “sustainable,” “farm to table films” “small batch” and “single source” such as :
March 8 2024 happened to be International Women’s Day during women’s history month at this particular moment in HERstory and as the film Vice Squad depicts scenes of unusually graphic violence against women my goal was to prepare some ideas in this vein.
What you are about to read began as a simple practical exercise to clarify my thoughts. And then it happened again. I felt a “meditation” coming on. Some might call it an essay but my mind is a collage, so poetry & lyrics are my jam.
At first I planned to illustrate the ironies and ecstasies of casting as my metaphorical “God” (Doctor Goddard) in my Oscars 2020 Contender “Eve N’ God This Female is Not Yet Rated,” the legendary actor, Wings Hauser, who immortalized one of the most evil cinema villains in history, a vicious white pimp named Ramrod.
Of course Wings Hauser is also known for a variety of eclectic powerful and even comedic roles in films & television over the course of his legendary 50 plus year career, including roles in films advocating for diversity in Hollywood. He’s known for his role as “Lieutenant Byrd” in the Oscar nominated movie “A Soldier’s Story,” as well roles in movies by two important African American artists, “Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life is Calling” by the genius, Richard Pryor and “Tales From The Hood” by innovative actor/writer/ director Rusty Cundieff, who, in my opinion started his own genre.
I’m SO honored that my feminist interracial LGBTQIA musical fantasy “love is love story,” “Eve N’ God This Female Is Not Yet Rated” was featured in a panel next to those amazing films.
Official Movie Trailer Cali Lili ‘s Eve N’ God This Female is Not Yet Rated starring Wings Hauser Cali Lili Candace Burney Isriya McFillin
I am in pre-preproduction on my next film and album so I REALLY couldn’t justify lending time to write anything other than the next draft of my current new screenplay. Nevertheless “she,” this chapter, persisted and when a simple bout of note taking, snowballs into a longer group of sentences and then paragraphs, on rare occasions like this one, I reluctantly give in, consenting to explore the meditation into unknown territory.
So it was, the following paragraphs wrote themselves into a chapter and the chapter barged in and wrote herself into my book. Like all good meditations, this became a journey toward an unanticipated destination.
Whether unwittingly or consciously, artists often explore recurring themes in our work. This trip unexpectedly returned me, toward the destination of my constant worry that cultures must find ways to redefine success away from our current violent supremacy / dominance model so we can relocate the coordinates to our humanity. The perfectionisms we worship, to the detriment of our work/life balance are a symptom of our supremacist bias and that perfectionist model can often erode the spirits of our better angels and lead us, to exactly where we are now. My worry is not just that as a culture, many of our citizens (and citizens of many other democracies) have not only lost the location of our humanity, they, we, have also lost the compass. When many of our fellow citizens see violence as a viable option for the illusion of problem solving, the entire culture suffers and thereby, the world, the very earth & water & sky suffer, as do all living beings. Of course violence never solves problems, it only creates more problems.
But even here, the conclusion is not really the point, it’s all about the journey (as the protagonist “Eve” in my indie film says). As mentioned, for me, poetry & lyrics spill more easily than prose, so besides the Pacific Ocean, the following “stream of consciousness” is the way I surf.
Grab a board.
Here we go.
Part 2
JD Salinger is My Tap Water
So, it’s way too late on a school night and I’m way too young to be riding the New York City subway alone when some guy decides to make some stand against his own demons by opening up a zippo lighter very close to my face. He screams in that spine altering guttural octave, that I should “GET OFF HIS TRAIN.”
I don’t budge. I just give him the “green eyed burn” staring right back at him with the kind of steely resolve I should not possess at the tender age of 12. But I’m a New Yorker, JD Salinger is my tap water and Holden Caulfield could’ve been my brother.
Subway guy brings the lighter even closer to my face. I am a little blonde girl with a little mermaid backpack full of books tucked under my dance shoes and he is a wounded middle aged black man. Little did we both know, I’m not quite “white,” I’m just a rose gold shade of multiracial multi-continental coral-pink. And I’m already nursing a few wounds myself.
If I get off “his” subway car now I will be at a lonely subway station not even close to my final Jackson Heights destination in the middle of the night. There are very few people in the subway car and I’m the only girl.
But the violence I have been navigating in my childhood home has taught me to stand my ground. I’ve seen a man bully and beat a woman, I’ve stood in between them as an unfortunate referee only to fail in my efforts as he throws her out of her own home. I’ve helplessly seen her sleep in the park downstairs. I’ve tiptoed to the apartment door to let her back in when he’s asleep. I’ve even called the police to intervene between my parents. So no motherfucker on a train is gonna tell me what to do.
Little Little did I know, subway guy probably saw the movie “Vice Squad” on DVD and wanted to play out a Wings Hauser zippo scene with me. Something about me, triggered him into that retro zippo moodand something about me, triggered him into that retro zippo mood tonight. When I stared him down, he backed off. The look in his eye was a combination of shock, disbelief, determination, pain, and acquiescence. Finally another man on the train ushers the zippo wielding man away from me. But zippo man never takes his eyes off my eyes staring him back into his territory, telling him I know the jungle too. I would experience several other encounters like that in the big apple, but this was my first bite.
Part 3
But I Still Love A Hollywood Ending
Just a few years after the NYC subway incident, I’m in Los Angeles, sharing the anecdote with my partner, Wings Hauser who is amazed. He tells me about the zippo lighter scene in “Vice Squad” when Ramrod the pimp confronts a woman on the street in exactly the same manner, suddenly holding up a zippo lighter to her face. Most on screen pimps were portrayed as black men and Wings was told black audiences appreciated seeing a ruthless white pimp on the screen. Subway zippo guy might have been emulating Ramrod years later when he encountered a vulnerable blonde kid with whom he could play out the scene.
My formative years were characterized by such hauntings, echoes in the NYC air not unlike that of almost any urban playground complete with sprinklers in the park and a lonely sandbox for those of us who wished we could go to the beach in summer like the “happy” kids do.
At NYU I studied the works of many master artists, including “master of suspense,” Alfred Hitchcock, who was once asked:
“what is your idea of happiness?”
His answer:
“a clear horizon, no clouds, no shadows.”
In a filmed interview, by Richard Schickel (“Film on Film” 1973), Alfred Hitchcock relates a childhood story in which his father, a green-grocer, sent young Alfred to the local jail with a note for the chief of police, who promptly led the boy down a long corridor, locked him in jail, returned ten minutes later, and released him saying “that’s what we do to naughty boys.”
Hitchcock remembers the “clang (and) solidity of that cell door” (“Film on Film” 1973).
Without warning, an unsuspecting victim is wrongly punished or accused of some wrongdoing. The accuser reveals a previously hidden intention of evil which has now risen to the surface. The victim screams innocence on the wind to the world, but “life goes heedlessly on and we hurry to join it” (Film On Film, 1973 ).
As the audience, we, the “other witnesses” in the scene can “enjoy the suspense” literally “suspended” in time, no matter how disturbing the story, as long as we are assured the movie will end, then, we’ll go to dinner or drinks or traffic, or just go to sleep in a “hurry to join” life going “heedlessly on.”
Hitchcock’s recurring themes include victim-protagonists who consider themselves innocent, but the director says:
“our evil and our good are getting closer together… In today’s sophisticated era you can barely tell one from the other ; evil can intrude anywhere” and one “can’t hide from the world” (“Film on Film” 1973).
Hitchcock confides:
“I’m afraid of everything” and explains his intentions toward his audience:
“they must be provided with the knowledge that death may appear at any moment” (“Film on Film” 1973).
In “The Birds” Hitchcock’s lead character pleads
“innocent of crimes against nature. Nature is disordered … in revolt…
In Hitchcock’s universe, no-one is innocent of something like original sin” (Film On Film, 1973).
So what does all this have to do with movie icon Wings Hauser, who played the sado-misogynistic, coat-hanger wielding , castrating devil spawn character named “Ramrod” in the 1982 movie “Vice Squad,” along with an excellent cast, including the powerful Gary Swanson and beautiful Season Hubley ?
What does it have to do with me, casting Wings Hauser as my version of a flawed but ultimately redeemable metaphorical “God” in my sustainable, green, all female crew production of the 2020 Oscars Contender “Eve N’ God This Female is Not Yet Rated” an interracial feminist fantasy, LGBTQ love is love story & rock n’ roll epiphany?
Glad you asked.
Part 4
From Ramrod
to
“ Eve N’ God ; This Female Is Not Yet Rated “
At first it was just a great casting choice that also felt like a fun bit of future cinema trivia. But the idea bloomed upon examination through my particular set of lenses. Whether we movie lovers consider ourselves “high brow” or “no-brow,” whether we love horror, genre movies , authentic art house cinema, documentaries, Hollywood classics and beyond, whether we music lovers crave death metal, rap du jour, global rhythms or any era, any culture, any iteration of singer songwriters, our common bond, in my humble opinion, lies in our desire for freedom (yeah democracy) our admiration & inspiration from independent thinking, our demand that individuals DO MATTER (in spite of the corporate-mind-pablum we are over fed) and we are genuine supporters of that oft-imitated, more often appropriated, rarely achieved “indie” status of the truly “independent” artist. We bond over our disdain for injustice. We don’t want to be told what to read what to watch or what to “like .”
My educational background was so eclectic & interdisciplinary spanning from pre-law & anthropology to physical disciplines like multicultural dance & other movement methodologies, I often feel like I am purposefully bridging a variety of intercultural disciplines.
In this case, my thoughts were riffing on connections between sci fi fantasies, thrillers, horror movies, theatrical adaptations for film, nerdy performance art methodologies and political science scenarios in which the yin/yang balance of power between males and females becomes the central focus. Oh, and I was also thinking about the current insanity marking the John Roberts’ So Called Supreme Court’s dalliance with dictatorship.
One key theme in my film is an exploration of a line of dialogue spoken by “Eve,” our protagonist. In the middle of her 21st Century “epiphany” she contemplates :
“the original –
original sin”
In “Eve N’ God, This Female Is Not Yet Rated,” as in Hitchcock’s cinematic universe, even god , like Hitchcock’s characters, “is not innocent of something like original sin,“ to paraphrase the previous quote from Richard Schickel.
Meanwhile in the 1982 world of “Vice Squad,” we have Gary Swanson’s gritty portrayal of a cop named “Walsh,” representing for us, the forces of “good against evil” as a good cop. We also have Season Hubley’s powerful portrayal of “Princess” the classic “hooker with a heart of gold” who is also a young single mom.
While wildly different from Vice Squad, my film also happens to grapple with the “Yin-Yang” balance, the “Tao of Eve,” the “Tao” of good versus evil. My story also happens to center on a triangular structure of central characters inhabiting a 21st Century post industrial, post modern, post Edenic world of riddles, illustrated by triangles, spirals, formulas on the walls & metaphysical codes found in nature and art. I could not shy away from allowing our allegorical protagonist, “Eve,” (Cali Lili) to illustrate a “Girl Gone Wild” PHD style.
When I wrote and shot my film, I hadn’t seen the other movies exploring “Eve.” Each of the other “Eve” themed films illustrates uncanny similarities, much to my surprise.
That subject deserves its own essay which I feel obligated to write, but for now, suffices to point out that each of the “Eve” movies addresses this theme :
“girl gone wild ”
Well, of course we gone wild. The making of my film is in itself, an example of a 21st Century “girl gone wild,” and a risk.
My version of a counterculture indie is riskier than most because it does not rely on the normally bankable genre of horror, gratuitous sex & violence. A risk because while I do include love scenes and some violent imagery, my counter culture project relies, mostly on my own auteur style, dialogue, acting, and the intellectual curiosity of the intelligent audience. A risk because the protagonist is not only a woman, she talks a lot. In fact, she “breaks the sound barrier,” as over 51% of the movie dialogue is spoken by a girl.
That’s a risky film.
Our “Eve” is a contemporary version of “a stripper with a heart of gold“ who multitasks as a surfer chick in Venice Beach, putting herself through school, earning a PhD in gender studies and supporting her no good husband named “Adam.”
In a nutshell, my story can be described as :
“One day
in the epiphany
of a 21st Century Girl,
Who Kissed A Girl.”
The movie takes place in one day, “today.” Today is the day “she” finally has “the talk” with our version of a metaphorical, flawed “Dr. God” / “Doc” (Wings Hauser).
Doc is Eve’s PhD advisor and head of the gender studies department.
During that long overdue conversation, Eve demands accountability & answers from “God .“
She needs answers to many of the questions women and girls (and those who love us) have debated in our own minds, hearts & souls for centuries, including , biblical restrictions to the nature of female sexuality, girls’ reproductive & healthcare rights – oh – and also – whatever happened to “Lilith,” the original “Eve,” our “Mitochondrial Eve,” originating in Africa, but conveniently erased from our collective memory? My Eve asks “Dr. God” to answer for that long lost sisterhood.
Here I feel obligated to detour for a brief mention about the 1956 classic “Eve themed” movie I just saw a few weeks ago for the first time. Directed by Roger Vadim starring Brigitte Bardot, the title is : “And God Created Woman” ( “Et Dieu … crea la femme “). I was struck by some of the shocking similarities between some aspects of that production and mine, but I was even more gobsmacked by the differences in how we ended our films.
While my allegorical fable ends with Eve setting herself free (like many of the other Eve themed films) thereby also setting our metaphorical Dr. God, free too, the 1956 Vadim movie ends in a vastly different manner. After the Bardot version of a character named “Juliette” who’s persona screams of “Eve,” performs her “wild dance” for freedom to the rhythm of African bongo drums, she is “tamed” by her white “Adam,” who SLAPS her back into “her place” as “his woman.” The Vadim movie portrays Juliette/Eve feeling “relieved” and sexually aroused by that slap. Her “Adam” then, leads “Juliette /Eve” back “home” (Eden?) by the hand, happily into her future humble domicile.
For those of us looking closely, we think we see a twinkle in Juliette/Eve‘s eye, indicating that no walls can hold her to this home with Romeo/Adam. But who knows, maybe she wants the security of a cage while also enjoying the makeup sex? That’s what this 1956 movie appears to say. I’ve always believed every relationship crafts its own vocabulary. While I was personally disappointed in how the Vadim movie ends, I must admit that it’s none of my business how this couple, or more to the point, this female, gets her “kicks.” Of course it’s far more questionable when couples choose to raise children in patriarchal environments where the female is chronically dominated. Sound familiar?
Bardot’s complex portrayal of “Juliette/Eve” is a powerful display of self-knowledge & determination along with moments of fragile vulnerability & compassion. Like my version of “Eve,” “this female” too, is an authentic rebel. In my movie our patriarchal “God” figure asks Eve, “so, you got a cause Lady Rebel ?” To which Eve responds “Don’t need one, but yeah, I got cause.” Similarly, I saw the Bardot version of the Eve archetype as the 1956 female version of James Dean’s 1955 Rebel. For any rebel, the “cause” “lies so deep in the cultural fabric, “ it is, as my Eve states “in the stitches.”
For our 21st Century rebellious fable, our Eve is a burlesque dancer / stripper who performs her own version of eVe’s liberation “dance” where she rips her stripper pole off its base, revealing wispy branches connected to the “tree of life.” Our Eve dances with a stripper pole that is actually the “tree of life.” As evidenced by the May 2024 cross examination of a sex worker named “Stormy Daniels,” who very bravely “takes the stand,” bearing witness under oath to stand up for herself, and for our democracy, yet our contemporary backwards culture, continues to slut shame women, blaming every “Eve” for her own victimization at the hands of a misogynistic supremacist culture.
For my Eve movie I felt that casting the actor who immortalized “Ramrod “ as my flawed but redeemable “God Figure” at this time in herstory was both poignant and irreverently funny. I shared this with Wings when I nervously asked him to read the script and more nervously asked him to consider playing the role (he doesn’t do favors and I don’t want favors). He loved it & did an awesome job as always. His best ever, in my humble opinion. Until our next one.
Flashback to Hitchcock , who himself was a sort of “God” figure, with a preference for the “Bardot” type, also known as “The Hitchcock Blondes” :
“The world today is full of brutality but it’s developed into brutality with a smile … We live in a chance universe, we are victimized by accident, saved by accident (and) the artist has to make the invisible a little hard” (Hitchcock 1973). The man who longed for a “clear horizon, no shadows,” the man who could be viewed as a self-proclaimed paranoid, employed the shadows of cinema to bring evil hidden clouds to the surface and project them, in a collision course, onto the screens of our emotional minds, now full of unprecedented doubt and fear as we navigate the 21st century on our interplanetary swimming pool.
Here we are 2024. The 21st Century. “Age of Aquarius,” yet we find ourselves saddled, still, on the edge of our seats & sanity, brought there by those who wish to return us all to the dark ages.
Now THAT’S – suspense.
It would be one thing, if such individuals or groups preferred to live in their own darkness. But they prescribe it, demand it for others. We are living through an unprecedented time when AMERICA, yeah, the country with the Statue Of Liberty holding up that torch, is approaching an election with one of two major parties, espousing a platform advocating an agenda for authoritarian dictatorship.
Not just ”Orwellian,”
positively “Hitchcockian” – ain’t it?
In the semi-edenic mindscape of my movie “Eve” points out to Dr. God, that he is “the MOST SUPREME Court. “ Then she goes on to ask “Where’s the female version of you?”
As we ride through 2024, this question about the “Supremacy” of the current iteration of John Roberts’ So Called Supreme Court and others who place themselves above the law, rings especially loudly because it originates in the “origin story” many of us rely upon for our notions and behaviors related to “faith“ and “justice.”
The book of “Genesis” is one particular biblical “origin story,” (many cultures retell their own origin stories) forms the basis for a cultural fabric held together by “the stitches” (referring again to another bit of dialogue from my film) of our legal & political institutions which have their own set of origin stories like “The Code of Hammurabi.“ Once again, contemplating “the original, original sin“ seems to me, a worthy theme that keeps on giving.
Alfred Hitchcock thought HE was living in precarious times. Oh boy, do we have a movie to show him. Imagine good old “Hitch” watching any segment of news today?
Then imagine him comparing it to the media of “alternative facts,“ where he would recognize our contemporary version of innocence sacrificed on the altar of evil.
Jump cut – forward to “Vice Squad.”
It was Wings’s brother, Erich Hauser (Rest in Power) who reminded us there had been an earlier movie entitled “Vice Squad” circa 1953 starring Edward G Robinson (full disclosure while I’ve been told I am possibly distantly related to Edward G. I have no idea if it’s true. Erich thought it was an amazing coincidence and so did we). Both Vice Squad movies brought the audience into a world not unlike that of Hitchcock’s characters. Both Vice Squad movies challenge our expectations, both warn us that even the good guys and girls might bend rules and both movies highlight the exploitation of women.
It’s likely the Edward G. Robinson version had a similar effect on the audience of his day but in the case of Wings Hauser’s now iconic free form portrayal of actual mayhem in one living specimen, “Ramrod,” there is a far more disturbing aspect to the suspense we experience when faced with Ramrod’s “brutality with a snarl.“
Wings Hauser’s performance of a malignant narcissistic sociopath in action – not only brings us to the edge of our seats, it DRAGS us to the edge of sanity. Drags us into a world of such chaos that we might forget our future ability to walk away from the theater and join the flow of “life ongoing heedlessly” as prescribed by the “master of suspense “ himself.
The tone of Hauser’s performance takes us – beyond the scope of mere suspense, it matches the tone of increasingly risky circumstances we all find ourselves in these days. Of course, abuse is far more difficult to confront in “real life.”
Ramrod in your house is a whole other animal.
That’s why the sacred art of acting, the Holy Spirit of drama, might continue to foster our healing through catharsis, “if we can keep it” as Ben Franklin famously said about our young Democratic Republic.
Cathartic Drama is an older goddess than Democracy but they inform each other well in the process of civilization.
Another good example is the play “A Streetcar Named Desire” by Tennessee Williams who co-adapted it for the screen with director Elia Kazan.
Uncomfortably, “we” (the audience) watch Brando throw down Stanley Kowalski’s brand of misogyny, yet our culture venerated the “STELLA” moment as though it were a monument to “bull in a china shop passion,” instead of a revolting, infantile cry from a homophobic wife-beater, reeling his lusty willing victim, Stella (in a very difficult role played beautifully by Kim Hunter) back into his dirty grasp, before raping & institutionalizing her sister Blanche Dubois (played by the genius Vivien Leigh, who is herself a miracle, performing miracles on screen with every role she breathed life into) the only kind and refined soul to fly accidentally into the light of the voracious furnace we laughingly call “society,” eventually to be burnt at its stake.
Stanley is likely suffering not just from the ptsd he suffered in the war but also his own homoerotic impulses, yet none of that is the driving force for his “deliberate cruelty.” Blanche says :
“some things are not forgivable. Deliberate cruelty is not forgivable! It is the one unforgivable thing, in my opinion, and the one thing of which I have never, never been guilty.”
Stanley’s need for superiority, absolute power as “the rightful king” of his domain, is his “why.”
Was our culture AS uncomfortable watching Wings Hauser’s Ramrod perform far more sadistic acts of cruelty than Stanley Kowalski?
Or were we gradually desensitized by a culture increasingly tolerant of the “deliberate cruelty” Blanche Dubois called out on behalf of Tennessee Williams, whom no doubt, was mourning our loss of the American “Belle Reve,” the lost “beautiful dream,”drained of innocence by ever increasing levels of tolerance for the “deliberate cruelties” of authoritarian violence, abuse, misogyny, homophobia, racism & environmental abuse, like so many famous experiments exposing human capacity for inflicting torture on command?
At least some progress was made when the screen version of the Tennessee Williams play showed us a “Stella” who, (perhaps against the will of the author?) unlike the theatrical version, refused to go back to her abuser at the end of the film. On screen, Stella finally rejects the abuse she was willing to tolerate on stage.
Luckily, we also get to see the brilliant Karl Malden, and other excellent actors who play Stanley’s army & poker buddies, transform from their blind obedience to Stanley, into a Greek chorus, eyes open for the first time, recognizing Stanley’s corruption. We recognize it on Blanche’s behalf, and ours. Blanche, of course, is the symbol of liberal democracy. She hangs in there advocating for poetry, flattering lighting, romance, love, justice, beauty, acceptance and the “kindness of strangers.” Blanche is even kind to Stanley, who neither deserves nor “desires” her kindness. Stanley has no time for the humanity of streetcars, he’s a freight train with a “napoleonic code.” Having buffed up his physique toward an authoritarian ideal for so long, the “bread lines” for desire & democracy no longer hold power over his behavior. This makes Stanley a danger to anyone & everything he touches. He is fueled by the goal of supremacy, fueled by cruelty, the only thing in the world Blanche rejects, the only thing she can never forgive.
Good for her.
Blanche is a Shero. She may look like she’s going away to some loony bin, but I say she escapes the loony bin for a better place, leaving the lunatics like Stanley and his enablers in their bin. Like our contemporary Eve, she hasn’t been kicked out of Eden, she walks out.
You Go Blanche.
You Go Eve.
Fast forward to the “Vice Squad” universe, Ramrod, like Stanley, seems to “get away with everything” for most of the movie & many viewers seem to “love to hate him.” An apt metaphor for our times. But it’s not just that cliche at work here, you know, the one about how “we love to hate “any given character.
The staying power of Hauser’s performance, like Brando’s, lies in our civilizations’ nervous adolescent worship of male-flavored superiority and dominance. I have written elsewhere that I believe we must quit our addictions to superiority and dominance or risk incubating smarter and more effective wannabe dictators.
Our culture and many others also seem to worship ever violent (often misogynistic) films that are referred to as cult counterculture “edgy” films when they are young movies (often directed by males) and then referred to as cult classics when the films grow up. But these movies are the furthest thing from counterculture because they are the closest thing to our cultural biased norms.
That’s why I decided to take the risk of making what I felt could be a truly counterculture film. A movie in which 51% of the dialogue was spoken by a woman. In researching gender studies & women in STEM, I found scientific studies proving evidence that most males and some females find it very challenging to listen to the voice of a woman for any significant length of time and retain what she says. I don’t think that’s nature. I call that “socialization” of the most destructive kind.
My project was made with an all female production crew at a time when this was rare. I tried to create an all female music crew, but it was not to be. By the time we completed the soundtrack though, I was beyond happy that the sound crew was authentically “integrated” with regard to gender, cultural backgrounds and sexual orientation.
I must take an extra moment for a BTS Note. My project would prove to be an authentic counterculture product from the moment I put an advert out, inviting female – and LGBTQ identified crewmembers – to submit resumes, explaining in the advert that we would be hiring with an aim toward diversity. The hate mail flowed in immediately and it was vicious from the start. We are now all , unfortunately accustomed to some of the rancor we see in society these days, purposely normalized by those who seek to harm democracy and civilization by dividing us from within but as recently as just a few short years ago we were truly shocked by that level of misogynistic homophobic poison. Some of the infantile comments left where my movie is playing on demand on various platforms also illustrate how counterculture this project truly is. We sure seem to have “disturbed the comfortable” while making a project intended to “comfort the disturbed.” I’m glad. That was a real risk worthy of a contemporary “rebel” with a cause so deep, it’s “in the stitches.” Mission accomplished.
I’ve written elsewhere, I believe we need a new definition for success. Our shy admiration for characters like Stanley & Ramrod, who will stop at nothing to assert their dominance, speaks volumes for who we are as a culture. Considering that our culture is currently toying with the idea of authoritarianism and that our legal system, our political system, and our economy could use some improvements in delivering our ideals of “equal justice under law” along with rights to pursue happiness for our most vulnerable citizens, by the people, for the people, it seems to me that the archetype of pure evil embodied in such characters can serve as teachable moments for our times.
This is one of the reasons I was so interested in portraying a “flawed deity,” played by the actor who immortalized Ramrod.
It’s one thing to watch a character go balls out to achieve his goals in a work of fiction but of course it’s quite another to live with or endure such an abusive character in your own home, your own workplace, in your own country or online where cyber bullies or self-appointed critics and “reviewers” living in mommy’s basement (or in the lap of our culture’s luxury class) can wield sociopathic amounts of influence over other people’s thoughts, minds, hearts and lives.
Perhaps many of us have not experienced abuse directly, but I can assure you it ain’t no movie. If Republicans get their way and manage to destroy American Democracy, more of us will join the unfortunate club of unfortunate people who’ve directly experienced abuse.
These days, in light of current events, the terror of Hitchcock’s description of the jail door slamming, is now fully felt by the audience at a time in history / her-story when our precious democracy is threatened by some people’s twisted fantasies of success for the few.
The sheer unbridled rampage of evil claiming supremacy above any “Rule Of Law” as “ Ramrod “ eludes “ Walsh “ and claims his spot as an “archetype of abuse” is a useful “story-lesson in fear.” A story illustrating the horrors of abuse of power, way too uncomfortably mirrored on the nightly news. When it comes to a character as thoroughly evil as Ramrod (imitated by other actors after that performance), an examination of his popularity with audiences is worth a second and third consideration in light of our times.
Supremacy is in fact, completely unsustainable, without violence, which is why it is an unworthy, dehumanizing goal.
Unlike the bank robbers (sometime murderers) portrayed in the movie “Bonnie & Clyde,“ the character of Ramrod in “Vice Squad” is uncompromisingly cruel, whether indifferent or enjoying his crimes, he’s always “efficient” at delivering human suffering, like the dead eyed ruthless efficiency of a shark swallowing limbs whole, never deterred except for an occasional pod of angelic dolphins. Ramrod doesn’t even bother to get angry like Stanley did in “Streetcar.” He doesn’t waste energy with emotion. Like a corporation, he swallows up the territory & spits out the bones as an afterthought, another acting choice by Hauser (often imitated by actors who took their cues from Hauser’s performances of Ramrod and a few other similar iconic roles he’s played.)
Ruthless efficiency at all costs is a familiar cultural aspiration. Sports teams are touted as having “dominated” their opponents. We tell each other to “crush it” as we approach a challenge at work or play. As swathes of our culture contemplate voting for an authoritarian in 2024, we must finally admit it, we do worship superiority, and dominance. The current state of affairs of state, is the reaping of that worship. That Frankenstein we incubated.
May I please, humbly suggest (as my protagonist “Eve” suggests) we need a recovery program for this addiction or it will swallow us whole.
The rules of logic lead us to an uncomfortable truth. When a culture worships dominance and superiority, it must, logically, incubate and give birth to superior dominators. “Move Fast Break Things” was the early motto of Facebook. Personally, I always admired & now mourn the loss of Google’s early motto “don’t be evil.” Growing up these past few years I’ve often thought if people who worshiped dominance were exposed to abuse on a personal level, they would favor “don’t be evil” over “move fast break things.“
Our admiration for dominance (which we’ve unfortunately exported) surely incorporates our appreciation of characters who display 100+ percent commitment to a goal. We are an economy and culture based on results. As I write this, I realize the concept of “taking risks” is often associated with “commitment to goals,” the ultimate American aphrodisiac. Touchdowns, home-runs, 401 K’s, Teslas.
I’m suggesting we consider taking “cathartic risks for the power of good causes” – AS POWERFULLY – as those who take such risks for the sake of power.
Ramrod’s sado-misogynistic cruelty is also tinged with a hint of his own possible latent homo erotic tendencies. He is the embodiment of unbridled evil and abuse of power but Ramrod, like other abusers, like Stanley, who derive enjoyment from inflicting pain on women – might just need a boyfriend?
If it wasn’t so terrifying it could be funny, like “SNL,” or poignant, like “Brokeback Mountain.”
As I’ve written elsewhere, survivors of abuse share an unfortunate lesson in wisdom that is worth heeding as a culture. Any abuse, whether it be domestic , child abuse, animal , environmental abuse, or civil rights, human rights abuse, all abuse is an abuse of power.
Power is the abusers’ desired objective. Without absolute power, the abuser cannot survive.
Like the shark who must keep moving and devouring to stay alive, Ramrod, the quintessential portrayal of cinema villain archetype is both, abuser and dictator. He will never submit to “ Walsh “ or to any law or “rule” except his own. He makes the rules and no other rules exist for him. That’s the “real trick” to “staying alive” on the streets, to paraphrase the “Vice Squad” poster.
Ramrod is almost omnipotent. He will never concede, admit or even recognize his own vulnerability, eluding capture & death for as long as possible. He’s a never ending high speed chase and the audience is suspended in that liminal space, “enjoying” the hating of the character as long as they know the movie will end and they can “join life heedlessly ongoing.“
But in “real life,” we, the people, we the audience, witness, digest & become desensitized to abuses of power on the nightly news, becoming “addicted,” dependent upon, the outcome. Some of us hope for a “Hollywood ending,” others rooting for “the bad guy.” We, the people, the democracy, the republic, the nation need the good guys to prevail.
Don’t we ?
Throughout the history of storytelling, there have always been scary stories, fables, fairytales and fantasies, including sci-fi, which provide our cultures with a form of “healing through fear. “
As an actress, the most satisfying acting moments involve some form of improvised, imaginative playing with “danger” and risk-taking on the word “action” within the “safe” context of “the play” & “the rules” of a profession, the craft of acting where the consequences of any action are unexpected and spontaneous, if we are doing our job.
Of course I don’t mean actual or “real” danger. But as Hitchcock mentioned years ago, our imagined danger, and our real dangers are drawing dangerously near each other (including on-set safety). I don’t believe it is a good sign, but I do believe we can learn some lessons as we navigate the toxic “reality show culture“ currently endangering every aspect of civilization from education to arts, politics, of course, rule of law, decency, democracy, and Mother Earth. When I saw the reality show “Survivor” for the first time (years after its inception) it scared me. I felt that this show was grooming our nation to normalize cruelty and betrayal while glorifying one notion of success above all : “supremacy.”
What could be scarier than losing the freedoms of democracy? And thereby losing hope for the wellness of the planet? Whether it be actual prison or psychological, legal, societal imprisonment under authoritarian rule – or massive earthly devastation, the road to freedom is determined by our willingness to stand up for our rights.
In Vice Squad , detective Walsh must be wondering to himself throughout the movie, “what the fuck does it take, to take this Ramrod thing down?”
And then when he gets the chance to nail him, he utters an iconic line most of us associate with Clint Eastwood : “go ahead, make my day.”
Way before the Eastwood line, came the origins of that famous quote. The first iteration uttered by Gary Swanson as “Walsh” who said it to Wings Hauser as “Ramrod,” when Ramrod’s rampage finally ends.
Walsh To Ramrod :
“C’mon scumbag, make your move and make my day.“
Although Walsh represents the “good” part of good v. evil, this line of dialogue, that cinematic moment , indicate to us, that always looming in the context of any human story is the borderline between the two. Certainly this is not an exhaustive list of examples but both the 1973 film “Serpico,” starring Al Pacino directed by Sidney Lumet and the 1991 movie adaptation directed by Lili Fini Zanuck based on Kim Wozencraft’s novel “RUSH,” clearly illustrate the limitations of officers working in “Vice,” which is why their duties are often limited to specified periods of time, lest they become too cozy with the ways and means on the “bad” side of town.
Part 5
THE IRONIES
and
ECSTASIES
of
Escalating Risk in Film, Art, Life.
As our 21st century culture witnesses one unacceptably unaccountable atrocity after another, throughout the world, including our own United States Supreme Court, we are desperately in need of “the good guys” and girls.
Posted :
“WANTED :
Heroes & Sheroes.
Now Hiring.
Must be bold
non-violent
risk-takers
for ‘good trouble’ (to paraphrase the great hero congressman John Lewis“ )
My version of “Eve,” stands up to an omnipotent “Doctor God,” performed with the same ruthlessness and commitment by the actor who portrayed the seemingly omnipotent “Ramrod.”
Both “God” & “Ramrod” assert what they believe to be their absolute right to absolute power.
Those who believe it is their right to remove the rights of women in this country, in the name of a “God,” they pretend to speak for, are far more devilish than Ramrod.
Eve, who has been shamed & slandered by Adam, forced to forget her soulmate, Lilith, finds herself vulnerable and alone on a planet “where everything eats everything else,” summons up the courage to challenge “God,” to “become a better man.”
My allegorical fable about a contemporary Eve, the interracial love story between Eve and Lilith as two women of color, and the long overdue conversation between “Eve” and “God,“ is a response to our cultural and judicial solipsism. A dreamscape that seeks to awaken us from nightmares and challenge us to heal our very real opportunity for a kind of “paradise” on Mother Earth, where air might be safe enough to breathe and water, safe enough to drink, and endangered species, including democracy, might once again, dare to thrive in harmony as we spin forward splashing through space.
A cultural space where an independent filmmaker might thrive while taking creative risks for the sake of a healthier culture. An entertainment eco-system that nourishes and supports the independent artist and the audience, with nourishing “food for thought,” instead of appropriating and then attempting to diminish genius as disposable corporate collateral damage.
A cultural , legal and legislative landscape, even a tax structure that rewards the independent artist for taking intellectual risks and making art based in our democratic ideals as much as it rewards Wall Street box-office smash hits dominating corporate theaters – and as much as it might reward her for making babies.
My background in yoga & wellness, inspired me to create a sustainable studio that could “farm & harvest” what I consider to be “aqua-culture” to “nourish” culture.
My background in pre-law, is what I relied upon to understand the evil performed by the 21st century iteration of the so called “Supreme” Court. The John Robert’s Years.
My background in anthropology & performance studies led me to explore the physicality of metaphors like “standing up “ for a principle.
In considering moments of risk in performance in relation to moments of risk in everyday life, the common denominator is the human being, the actor, equipped with a vulnerability of mind and body.
In this era of contemplating the permutations of artificial intelligence, as a human artist, an actress, dancer, as a singer and also a practitioner of the ancient ancient art of yoga, I find it helpful to turn towards the interplay between our very human, mind-body mechanism and the performance, the art we render.
The mere act of “standing up” as in “standing up for ourselves “ involves a struggle:
“When we are merely standing still, a great deal of coordinated muscular activity is being carried out invisibly. We have to fight against the force of gravity, and this requires energy” (Atlas of the Mind and Body).
Existence is a continuous struggle and this lesson can be learned, as many lessons are, from the elementary example of the human body:
“Much of the body’s muscle movement is involuntary. Our hearts, digestive tracts, the walls of our arteries, lungs, eyes, skin, and bladder, operate on a kind of dual control system where dilation alternates with constriction”
(Atlas of Mind and Body).
This alternation is a struggle of two opposing forces , a yin – yang, in service to the same function.
“The interplay of muscle groups is initiated by brain activity but is not necessarily always ordained by conscious will. The passenger standing in a train for example, swaying but remaining upright does not have to think about the muscle actions needed to keep him on his feet” (Atlas of Mind and Body) and yet “although the activities of involuntary muscles are largely beyond our conscious control, in some cases we can override the instruction of the autonomic nervous system…” (Atlas of Mind and Body).
In this case we have another form of struggle, the “involuntary,” or unconscious workings of the body with the conscious will. The “content” of the brain’s conscious and unconscious struggle depends on various permutations of “chance” genetic and environmental factors in this “chance universe” ( “Film on Film” 1973) where good and evil may sometimes wear the same mask.
Unlike mainstream culture, where obvious delineations between “good“ characters & “evil” ones are clearly defined, “counter culture” projects offer the artist new options. Empowerment of girl power, social & environmental justice and the questioning of societal norms including faith & marriage, women’s & lgbtq rights and democratic as well as environmental freedoms is the foundation for my sustainable movies and music.
Although “Eve N’ God ; This Female Is Not Yet Rated” was shot before Covid, two of the three main characters speak to each other via zoom and many of our themes are now, in 2024 – topics of intense conversation and daily debate in every form of media.
My “Eve” character seeks to “give voice” to women everywhere, to “the global girl” and to characters like “Princess” in “Vice Squad” along with the many other cinematic “sex workers with hearts of gold.”
Currently our culture is navigating an old “minefield” where decency squares off against notions of superiority elevating some living beings above others.
Superiority is not sustainable.
Neither is a culture that refuses to cooperate with its own best interests. Just consider the fact that a portion of our citizenry willingly enable threats to fellow citizens like Ruby Freeman & her daughter Shaye Moss who volunteered their time to the sacred work of our guaranteeing our fair elections or E Jean Carroll, Stormy Daniels, and others who stood up for themselves against bullies. Consider too, that instead of condemning the bully, those who enable the bullying, call the bully “a god” and gleefully participate in assaults on democracy, endangering the nation and the planet, for what ? For their own benefit. For power. For supremacy. The “gentrification of culture” has caused us to vote against our own best interests.
The great screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky showed us to ourselves in his genius film “Network,” which illustrates what happens to a culture that conflates news with entertainment. The ironic genius of Chayefsky showed us our reality culture before we got here. He warned us.
Chayefsky and other artists of his generation employed irony to bring us to our senses. Irony is like that strong cup of coffee in the morning or that early morning workout, clearing your head, out of the fog into the light. Irony, because it leads to ecstasy. I know it’s not dead. This is probably an excellent time for the Renaissance of irony. And please don’t confuse my idea of “Renaissance” I’ve been mulling over since I mentioned the expression “ 21st renaissance in the works“ in a previous essay, with the current appropriated use of the word “Renaissance”
in corporate “pop” culture. Nor should my humble sustainable studio be confused with the equally appropriated “humble beginnings” stories offered by corporate stars in order to obfuscate the obscene money hoarded by the 1%.
I’m saying we get back to using our brains when we experience art. One way we can use our brains is by embracing the ecstasies of “irony” as illustrated by so many of our brilliant predecessors. Yes they would be very OLD if they were alive and active today. Old and wise, even though not very old person is a wise one, we could use a little Paddy Chayefsky. Chayefsky was very close with director Bob Fosse, who directed the film “Lenny,” about the late comedian, Lenny Bruce. Fosse looked up to Chayefsky and considered him his best friend. If you take a quart of jazz, blend it with some post modern irony and then shake it up with 21st Century political dirty tricks, what have you got ? You got that OLD thing called “the blues.”
The origin story of the “blues” is the origin of the human cry. Add an American twist and that’s how we got a Langston Hughes’ poem :
“ I wish the rent
was heaven sent”
The blues has always been a cultural coping mechanism. The African American experience was a sisterhood & brotherhood to the Jewish immigrant experience, the Irish American , the Mexican American experience and that of many other immigrants. There is a wry sad smile everywhere and lucky for American culture, some of our immigrants were capable of capturing the feeling.
A feeling called “the blues.”
Chayefsky said “the worst kind of censorship is the kind that begins in your mind before you sit down at the typewriter.” That’s what happens when authoritarians rule but it’s also what happens when an artist tailors her own thoughts, to suit “the suits” and the alleged “marketplace.” In fact, nobody knows what the audience will love, but corporations decide what to “feed”
the culture. They decide it from the prix-fix “menu” on “the A List.”
Who writes the “A List” menu ?
“Status quo” industry practices with built in biases “train” our minds on “what to expect” when we “expect” the plot or style of any movie, the “sound” of any song, the “vocabulary” and structure of any article, essay, or book. It’s not so much racist or misogynistic or homophobic, though it is, but it’s FAR MORE about “the art, of the deal,” so to speak.
And THAT is how we got here. This moment in history & herstory, is a corporate-Hollywood moment.
When my project was in preproduction, we put out an advert asking for female & lgbtq crewmembers to send in their resumes, making it clear that our hiring practices are based in diversity. We received so much hate mail, intended to force us to curtail our innovative hiring and “put us back in our place.” But we knew it was not purely racist, misogynistic and homophobic. We knew that we were being called out for being free. We were being called out for being independent, for being individuals, for being humans who chose to make a human film with humans (not corporations) 100% at the helm.
My “why” for building my studio was all about “being the change I wished to see.”
We are “handmade to make a difference” ™️ and my studio logo is designed in the form of an “ingredient list,” a menu of sorts.
I’m dedicated to creating projects that “nourish” a healthier culture.
Now like an avalanche, parts of our culture hurtle away from humanity toward some unknown destination teeming with artificial intelligence, all too disrespectful of human intelligence.
Caution:
Nerdy Performance Studies Detour Ahead
I debated whether or not to include the section below about performance theory and its ensuing network of ideas. Ultimately, I decided, hey, I’m talking about taking risks so what’s wrong with taking a few intellectual risks too? So, please exercise caution as you navigate the next section of this winding road. You might enjoy it? It might bore you? But unless you are a true performance art, performance studies nerd, I don’t think you’ll be reading about this anywhere else. Give it a shot.
I wonder if Chayefsky, or Tennessee Williams, or Marlon Brando , or Elia Kazan, were aware of theater experimentalist Jerzy Grotowski who was “interested in the actor because he is a human being” (Grotowski 1968). Grotowski employs the “give and take” of muscles in our bodies as a theoretical principle. His actor training involves the constant “give and take” between one part of the body and another part, the mind and the body, one performer and another performer, director and performer, performer and text, and performer and audience.
The body functioning in harmony with mind as a result of struggle, like the Japanese Zen ideal, is Grotowski’s “method” :
“When I tell you not to think, I mean with the head. Of Course you must think, but with the body, logically and with precision and responsibility. You must think with the whole body, by means of actions” (Grotowski 1968).
Grotowski expects human actors to push themselves to the limits of their potential, “bypassing the half measures of daily life” (Grotowski 1968).
Grotowski says: “It is far less risky to be Mr. Smith all one’s life than to be Van Gogh.”
This is partly true, provided that Mr. Smith does not, in his own way, spend his life consciously asking “why” and placing his mind and body in risky situations in order to approach answers to fundamental questions of existence – in Grotowski’s terms “struggling with one’s own truth” (Grotowski 1968).
Intentionally placing oneself in the midst of the ongoing struggle, either physically or psychologically, is an act of admitting the “yin-yang,” the “Tao” of the human condition. Our vulnerability is our power as human beings.
The “difficult” road, rather than the contented or apathetic one, is open to all humans (including Mr. Smith) and it can be understood in terms of the Japanese Zen journey to “satori,” or enlightenment:
“What is truly difficult is to become conscious of what you have in yourself and be able to use it as your own” (Suzuki 1965).
“Action” in Zen, which is using “what you have in yourself,” is to be taken with “no mind,” like Grotowski’s logic of the body. The practice of swordsmanship was very closely linked to Zen philosophy and this art is an extremely risky one, in which “the problem of death (is involved) in the most immediately threatening manner” (Suzuki 1965). The swordsman in action “must come right out of his inner mechanism.” He must act instinctively and not intellectually” (Suzuki 1965).
Grotowski’s interpretation of Antonin Artaud’s notion of “cruelty” is this : “cruelty is rigour” (Grotowski 1968). The artist who is “cruel” to himself has examined his art and his mind/body with rigor.
Grotowski, the theater artist, has “cruelly” defined the domain of theatrical art. The risks taken on stage are analogous to those taken in life.
In a theater, both performers and audience “acknowledge a risk that things might not go well” (Macaloon 1984). Here, Macaloon describes an area of risk when what occurs on stage and how it occurs may not correspond exactly to the “pre-formed program of activity (Macaloon 1984). “
Macaloon also mentions risk in performance in relation to behavior in daily life:
“This element of open risk incorporated into the dialogue between the ‘what’ and the ‘how’ is universally present in cultural performances and it separates performance from most of everyday behavior…. This is scripted action and therefore, it…is different from everyday behavior” (Macaloon 1984) .
Performers struggle against the “pre-formed” form of theatrical action each time they engage in the act of performing. However, the intensity of the struggle, the “how” – very much like the intensity with which one engages everyday behavior, varies greatly from individual to individual. The higher the intensity, the greater the risk, and the greater the possibility for intense satisfaction or intense failure.
Grotowski comments on risk:
“Part of the creative ethic is taking risks. In order to create one must, each time, take all the risks of failure” (Grotowski 1968) return for the risk involved in stripping the self physically (in body technique ) and psychologically in the “poor theater” and the seemingly histic “shock” technique, both the actor and audience can “experience human truth” (Grotowski 1968).
The “ethical” actor, in the “poor” theater according to Grotowski, achieves “great satisfaction:
“After self-sacrifice beyond all normally acceptable limits, (he) attains a kind of inner harmony and peace of mind. He literally becomes much sounder in mind and body and his way of life is more normal than that of an actor in the rich theater” (Grotowski 1968)
What does Grotowski expect of his “ethical” (or “holy”) actors?
“If the situation is brutal, if we strip ourselves and touch an extraordinarily intimate layer, exposing it, the life mask cracks and falls away….” (Grotowski 1968)
“It is much more difficult to elicit the sort of shock needed to get at those psychical layers behind the life mask” (Grotowski 1968).
The “life mask” of Macaloon’s “everyday behavior” is not safe in Grotowski’s theater.
Similar to the ritual sacrifice described in Richard Schechner’s
Ritual and Performance (1986) where “a victim is selected, a surrogate, scapegoat,” Grotowski’s actor sacrifices him/herself as a kind of “homeopathic” cure (Schechner 1986).
Grotowski speaks of sacrifice:
“If he does not exhibit his body but annihilates , burns it, frees it from every resistance to any psychic impulse, then he does not sell his body but sacrifices it” (Grotowski 1968).
In place of the “courtesan actor” (Grotowski 1968) who “exhibits” and “sells” the self, Grotowski trains a “holy” actor who sacrifices the self for the community. This actor trains himself to endure past the point of fatigue and then provokes the community, requesting their participation in the ritual.
Macaloon’s “acknowledgement of risk,” where something may not proceed according to script, is no longer in focus. The relationship of actor to audience is more “difficult” and the nature of risk is also more “difficult.”
A new kind of liminal sphere is opened up for both actor and audience when endurance for a creative ethic becomes the focus.
In my projects, I explore this territory, especially minimalism which informs my signature style, along with the “poor theater” & particular forms of Japanese aesthetic practices which I have studied so deeply, but for now, I will focus on a few simple examples.
Grotowski’s aesthetic choice is “poor theater.” For many performers “poor theater” is usually a necessity as well as somewhat of a choice.
In “ Choices: Making an Art of Everyday Life (1986), “ Marcia Tucker describes performances which “challenge and upset (her) preconceived notions of art….” (Tucker 1986).
The “performance art” described in “Choices” involved artists who took physical and emotional risks in the name of their creative ethic and according to Tucker, “much of the work … was seen by the public as masochistic” (Tucker 1986).
An example of the work discussed in “Choices” is that of Chris Burden’s performances.
Tucker lists some of these: “(He) locked himself in a 2’x2’x3′ locker for five days (1971), crawled through fifty feet of broken glass with hands held behind his back (19/3), had himself crucified on the hood of a volkswagon
(1974)…, (Performed) Shoot (1971) in which a marksman accidentally shot Burden in the arm and Prelude to 220, in which he was strapped to the floor by copper bands next to two buckets of water containing live 110 lines… (These) were…public pieces which specifically incorporated a very real danger to himself despite the fact that the odds were against his actually being injured….” (Tucker 1986)
Burden comments: “I don’t think I am trying to commit suicide. I think my art is an inquiry, which is what art is all about” (Tucker 1986).
Like Grotowski’s experiments with the mind/body of the human actor, many
“auto-performers,” who are often classed as “performance artists” and work in galleries conduct
experiments which raise the stakes of inquiry to an extraordinarily high level.
Performance artists can project their hidden violence to the audience in the form of images or in the form of theatrical reality, which is action in the “here and now.”
Given the “reality show horror” projected onto our nightly news (I’m told by my elders, that it’s not all that different from the nightly news of yesteryear), theatrical reality in performance is becoming closer to “everyday reality” (as in Performance artist’s “making an art of everyday life” Tucker 1986) and consequently, the risks taken in theatrical reality are also closer to potential risks of everyday life.
Aside from horrific accidents taking place on movie sets, that are then reported on the news, the tension of risk lies in the extension of a theatrical violence, born of the violent material in the artist’s (or con artist’s) conscious and subconscious mind – inching its way back into the “everyday” world and testing how far out into the world it can go.
The continuum of risk factors to the human being either in performance or in daily life now includes climate related risks to life, permanent and/or temporary physical/psychological damage, physical/psychological discomfort, embarrassment, or pain, to unsatisfactory fulfillment of a personal goal.
The common factors of risk in life and in performance are the human mind and the human body. Each factor of the risk continuum must also be seen alongside a continuum of perception and/or action/behavior on the part of the risk-taker.
The human being in life and in performance can be either a “risk-seeker” or one who shuns risk.
According to psychological studies on the subject of risk-taking,
“thrill-seeking often produces the best achievers, but it can also create the worst criminals…. For some, the thrills are mainly mental, for others physical, and for still others they are a mix of both” (Farley 1986).
According to researcher Frank Farley, the level of “thrills” that each individual seeks is closely related to levels of arousal in the reticular activating system which “controls our body’s level of arousal” (Atlas of Mind and Body).
Farley explains: “We all seek unconsciously to maintain optimal level of ‘arousal’ or activity in the central nervous system, particularly in the… reticular activating system….If arousal is too high or too low, we try to adjust it to some middle ground” (Farley 1986)
The middle ground is sought by “average” individuals who seek “soothing environments ” (Farley 1986) when arousal is too high and “stimulating environments” when it is too low.
However, some individuals have unusually low or unusually high arousability. Farley names people with unusually low arousability “big T’s” as opposed to the high arousability “little t’s.”
Big T’s tend to be more creative and extroverted, but they also tend to be more delinquent, hyperactive, and reckless drivers (Farley 1986). In the action/behavior area of the risk spectrum these individuals are sensation seekers and perceive the risk factor, but their attitude toward the known or unknown source of possible consequences, such as death or breaking the law (which could result in physical/emotional damage and/or discomfort and/or failure to achieve personal goals), is one of disregard, reverence, or increased pleasure at the high stakes of the risk.
In a study focusing on anxious and reckless drivers, psychological researchers found that the reckless driver, the low arousability sensation seeker, has “difficulty internalizing norms” (Shoham, et. al. 1984).
The anxious driver, on the other hand, “(deeply) internalizes traffic norms (and is)… less willing to take risks” (Shoham, et. al. 1984). The reckless driver will view the prospect of punishment as a source of pleasure since “punishment will raise their desired feeling of tension” (Shoham, et. al. 1984) .
Reckless drivers, and psychopaths, are described as having “low ability for avoidance learning (Shoham, et. al. 1984), while the anxious driver is said to have a “high learning and conditioning ability and low impulsivity level ” (Shoham, et. al. 1984).
It is interesting to note that much of the most recent actor training “methods” since Stanislavsky have stressed the qualities of the “impulsive” reckless driver and psychopath, who do not internalize norms but seek their own road.
Examples of such texts are Viola Spolin’s “Improvisations for the Theater” and Grotowski’s “Towards a Poor Theater. “ These texts downplay the “learning,” “conditioning,” and “internalizing” aspects of the “anxious” driver who resemble a
Stanislavsyesque (since we can’t compare the actors who worked with the man to those who work with his texts) “method” actor trained in “emotion-memory.”
An example of risks involved for an unaware victim of risk who behaves normally in everyday activities is the potential victim of a natural, weather or nuclear reactor hazard victim. In this case, the government and media function as the director of a suspense film (“thriller”).
Hitchcock says: “the essential factor to get suspense is giving them information” (“Film on Film” 1973). He offers an example of the increased effectiveness of suspense in a scene where the audience, in possession of knowledge that a bomb will soon explode, watches two men discuss baseball, over the same scene of the conversation when a bomb suddenly explodes without the audience’s prior knowledge.
In the case of a potential climate catastrophe or nuclear hazard:
“If an individual has formed strong initial impressions about a hazard results from cognitive social psychology suggest that those beliefs may structure the way that subsequent evidence is interpreted…. The people lack strong prior opinions about a hazard…they are at the mercy of the way the information is presented” (Slovic, et. al.
1984)
In the case of any risk, including risk from weather events or disease, the study Behavioral Decision Theory by Slovic, et. al., stresses interpretation and perception:
“(the fact that) differences in how risks are presented can have such marked effects suggests that those responsible for information programs have considerable ability to manipulate perceptions and behavior” (Slovic, et. al. 1984)
The director, like the government or media program, has the power to organize information in such a way that the actor is unaware of the various possibilities of risk to his mind/body. However, in examples of performance where risk is, in itself, a major theme to be explored in the act of performance, the actors are individuals willingly devoted to an ethic or ideal and willingly subjecting themselves to varying levels of risk.
Guerrilla and Radical/Political theater in the U.S. during the 60’s, and other forms of “outlawed” and “revolutionary” (in the broad sense of the term) performance have occurred all over the world.
The stakes have become increasingly higher to match the increasingly risky nature of our “post-modern” / post millennial world in which the ultimate disaster – annihilation of the human race and most forms of life on planet earth, is no longer a hidden evil.
Our capacity for enduring the concept and visualization of violence becomes higher as society becomes addicted to its portrayal.
The “thrillers” of today are not as tame as Hitchcock’s “thrillers.” The raging characters described back in the 80’s on the cusp of a new century when instagram & AI were just a twinkle in the corporate eye, are the majority of the stories civilization is now hooked to, the stories future generations grow up on, the global language of video.
The high level of tolerance and enjoyment of violent images is a perfect match for the actual and potential violence which is a factor in the existence of every human being on earth.
This information is available to us in our everyday lives through all forms of media.
Long ago and far away (it seems much longer than it really has been) Constantin Stanislavsky stressed the actor’s work of probing the psyche for genuine emotions which would allow the play’s text to come alive.
Stanislavsky provided actors with a much beloved safe “circle of light” with which the actor could surround him/herself and forget the audience in order to do the job.
It was later on in life that Stanislavsky paid more attention to “physical actions,” but the region of the psyche remains the territory of Stanislavsky’s texts.
As if in reaction to Stanislavsky text, Grotowski (who claims Stanislavsky as a “teacher”) developed a “psycho-technique” which stressed the body as the most honest (genuine) form of human expression.
Although the element of improvisation, present in various forms in both Western actor training and in the work of a master of Asian performance (Schechner 1985) and the element of possible failure have always presented a risk to the performer and entire performance, the element of risk is quite a different matter for avant-garde performers. Realization of Grotowski’s “sacrifice” of the body by many avant-garde artists (not necessarily directly influenced by Grotowski’s work) heightens the performer’s potential risk.
Similar to Hitchcock’s conception of the slow merging of good and evil is the increasing approach of a risky “action” in performance to a risky “action” in daily life. There are no more magic circles to hide in.
As Hitchcock presciently put it, “you can’t hide from the world.”
While the corporate artist (or the non-corporate individual con-artist-thief) shamelessly steals fresh ideas plucked from social media where “the poor artists” share ideas, today’s 21st century authentic artist is almost forced to be “ethical” in this time of extreme uncertainty.
Painfully aware of what Richard Schechner calls “the end of humanism “ ( Schechner, 1982) and far from retreating from the risks of an artist, in a necessarily poor theater functioning, in the underfed outskirts of a hugely, materialistic and overfed, (mostly, Western) society, the post-modern / post millennial artist commits him/herself to the task of asking the relevant questions of the time. And with nurturing from an informed caring audience, together, the individuals that create the culture might nurture the culture so she can heal herself.
I’ve written elsewhere that I believe we are participating in a “Time of Useful Consciousness.”
It so happens that our time in history / herstory involves very high risk to humanity as a whole and the questions formulated by artists match their society, social atmosphere, and cultural ecosystem.
In Japanese culture, for a samurai warrior, a swordsman, a Zen priest, a kamikaze pilot an action should ideally be performed without the accompaniment of conceptual thought.
Intuition is the catalyst of action and Zen philosophy urges action to be carried out immediately after intuition is perceived. Zen philosophy has also produced seemingly paradoxical performances in which subtle poems in praise of beauty are composed by Samurai warriors who then, lay down their ink brush in favor of the sword to perform the violent ritual of suicide, Harakiri. The actor divides his body from the belly upward and his companion completes the act by cutting off the head.
Devotion to an ethic or ideal is the element that drove many Japanese men to perform according to intuition.
“I am indifferent to the cold of winter,
It is the frozen hearts of men that frighten me.
I know that my end is approaching ;
What joy to die like the shining leaves that fall in Tatsuta, Before becoming tarnished by the rains of autumn.”
Written by Saigo, 19th Century leader of a peasant revolt, before committing Harakiri (Yourcenar 1983).
This intensity of dedication and realization in action of innermost intuition is identical in quality to many of the “riskiest”performances that sometimes occurred in the Western world.
“Carbone 14,” a Canadian theater group, refer to their acting and training method (which becomes their “method” of everyday behavior) as “Kamikaze acting.”
Mr. Brass, one of the founding members of the company, says in an unpublished interview:
“ I think theater is there to ask questions….We relate ourselves to Kamikaze pilots…. (The work) is very physical, sometimes it’s very rough, sometimes very violent, and it takes total committment from each of the actors…. Our whole lives revolve around the theatrical act and that’s what I mean by Kamikaze” (Babcock 1986).
These actors have performed “suspended fifty feet in the air from a net attached to two silos in En Toute Securite …, balanced precariously on chairs fifteen feet off the ground in Le Titanic…, (and) setting themselves on fire in Le Rail….” (Babcock 1986).
The way in which these actors use the word “improvisation” and “risk” is very different from an older form of tension between scripted action and realization of action in the “here and now” when death was not present at any moment.
The performers, as if in a race for time, have pushed both the scripted and realized action toward the very limit of danger to human existence.
My protagonist, Eve, in “Eve N’ God This Female Is Not Yet Rated” defends her PHD thesis by stating :
“ there are no conclusions, we’re in the beginning”
But why take risks with performers’ lives ?
Mr. Brass says:
“For us it is a necessity…I go through periods of sheer conviction and moments of…total doubt…all at once” (Babcock 1986)
These performers need to exist in a difficult atmosphere because, in terms of Grotowski’s “via-negativa” (Grotowski 1968), they resign from not doing so. Their intuition demands that these human beings violently reject contentment or apathy. They do it, for the culture. They do it for the good trouble.”
I have attempted to formulate the questions of performers who have devoted their mind/bodies wholly to performing.
Performers who sacrifice the notion of personal “quality of life” in terms of family, home, and security, in Grotowski terms:
“the poor theater does not offer the actor the possibility of overnight success. It defies the bourgeois concept of a standard of living (Grotowski 1968 ).
Such performers feel compelled to ask the most difficult questions of our age, “the end of humanism,” employing most dangerous means.
For some of these performers, the long lost comfort of the “magic circle“ of theater is inaccessible to any theatrical artist using human body as a sacrificial “hostage “while he/she asks us to leave our own comfort zones in order to consider basic questions of humanity.
The artist seeks a community willing to participate in the ceremony and join in the rejection of apathy, acceptance of humility, respect for intuition, and join the artist in a resignation from inactivity.
Today’s risk as filmmakers, artists, but also as movie, music & art lovers – are no less visceral. But perhaps they are not as noticeable?
All day long our eyes and ears are bombarded with messages from those whose jobs are literally to “capture eyeballs and eardrums” through marketing campaigns in every flavor, on every level of society.
The messages used to “sell,” will stop at nothing, including plagiarism, in order to sell, for the few, who are already in power.
As I’ve written elsewhere, I believe we’ve strapped ourselves to the ticking time bomb of so-called success as if we were riding it rodeo style like actor “Slim Pickens” in Kubrick’s
”Dr. Strangelove Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb.” He rides it downward toward mutually assured doom.
And we’ve defined success, using the status quo vocabulary of supremacy and dominance. That’s why we are facing a reckoning with the rise of authoritarianism, the bastard child of supremacy and dominance, whose right brain functions as abuse, and whose left brain demands submission from every living being, every eco-system landing vulnerable in its path, subject to its will.
All authoritarian systems rely on submission.
Personally, whenever I am asked to “submit” my self as an artist or “submit” my work of art, I get physically nauseous.
Everywhere we look, we are ordered to “submit.” We have allowed our cultural minds, hearts & souls to be moulded by the corporate idols.
We “submit.”
Like my “ Eve, “ I say NO.
I won’t submit.
Because I agree with the genius of that “OLD GUY” author, screenwriter, thinker Paddy Chayefsky:
“The worst kind of censorship is the kind that takes place in your own mind before you sit down to a typewriter” (or keyboard or microphone or camera).
Most of us have experienced rejection at one time or another. Many of us have experienced or witnessed the toxic haters, bullies & nasty jokesters hiding behind fake avatars online who take pleasure in denigrating the work of an artist or the life of a vulnerable soul they happen to encounter.
Wealthy corporate mind-moulders and non-wealthy toxic grievance-holding hater bullies alike, share a world view which has unfortunately saturated global culture. They both subscribe to the cultural mental illness that worships superiority-dominance models of success. Whether violence is invoked or hinted at, it’s inherent to the supremacy-dominance model. And it’s killing civilization, draining the innocence & life out of our arts, cultures, societies, just as sure as the hands of a stone cold killer would drain out the life from his victim.
Daily we witness a real life horror movie with a “moral,” a teachable moment worth heeding.
It’s an addiction worth quitting.
How far will the human “race” advance in the era of technology if we lose all value for the existence of all life forms?
How much longer will the forgotten living beings, whole populations of people and species of wildlife, including artists, endure the real role of sacrificial victim before the real blood already spilled on corporate altars makes a difference, to you?
Does the artist who may not qualify as a commercial commodity have a strong role in advanced technological society?
Is her existence deemed necessary ?
Or is she disposable, like you?
And who is the deemer?
Who
Writes
The
“A-List” ?
Cui Bono ?
Who benefits from the list?
It’s not you.
Who will decide whose “freedom of speech” is honored & protected?
Same people who write “ The A Lists “?
Is there an “A List” for “speech” ?
For “rule of law?”
These questions are necessarily suspended in a precarious area of risk between matters of life and death for artists – and all fellow humans.
We too, run these risks “by choice and or, by chance” as Hitchcock warned.
In my film, our protagonist, Eve rediscovers her long lost lover, Lilith. Eve decides she must leave “Eden “ in order to join Lilith on Earth for a taste of paradise. In doing so, she saves not only herself, and Lilith, but she also saves “God” by redeeming Doctor Godard’s innocence.
We all know he’s capable of veering off into devilish Ramrod territory on occasion.
My Eve seeks to restore our innocence by reminding us that misogyny, defined as :
“hatred for all things feminine, vulnerable, wild, and free,”
is in fact the original, “original sin.”
In choosing to unite in the healing of true “original sin” and restoring our innocence by embracing our feminine, our endangered vulnerabilities, our wildness and our freedoms, we too, can save ourselves by cherishing our siblings, including every species of wildlife and sealife life roaming, swimming, flying on our beautiful, blue planet, our sacred Eden , our paradise, our mother, Earth, spinning into infinity, swirling and surfing the multiverse on our interplanetary swimming pool.
I have written to congress & the executive branch on behalf of independent artists and I will continue my efforts to secure human artist rights in an increasingly corporate monopolistic ecosystem.
I believe this effort to speak up for the independent human artist, yields dividends for the survival of every living being threatened by the indifference of corporate conglomerates & the greedy few who have hoarded humanity & comfort for themselves alone, to the detriment of the people and the planet.
My team and I make these projects with individuals, by individuals, for individuals and we make these projects for – you – because we love you.
I hope, my team hopes, you will consider supporting my efforts to bring awareness for independent artists by purchasing the movies, music & books we release direct from the Cali Lili Indies ™️ and by sharing them widely, adding more positive ratings & reviews wherever you see us speaking up for every one of a kind individual (you) with our handmade single source, sustainable indies.
Thank You from the heart, for all the support you have already shown us !
JD Salinger Is My Tap Water (but I still love a Hollywood ending) ;
From Ramrod To Eve N’ God This Female Is Not Yet Rated ;
The Ironies & Ecstasies of Escalating Risk in Film, Art, Life or How I Spent International Women’s Day 2024 while John Robert’s So Called Supreme Court Revoked Women’s Rights “
John Roberts’ so-called Supreme Court revoked women’s rights
I swear I was minding my own business, putting together a plan for our impending appearance at a screening of the cult movie classic “Vice Squad” (1982) co-starring my awesome partner movie icon Wings Hauser and top Actors’ Studio Coach Gary Swanson.
The producers of the upcoming documentary “Wings Hauser Working Class Actor, “ Matt Verbois, Dan Mckeon & Cyrus Voris asked me to join the guys at the Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood for the screening sponsored by American Cinematheque and La-La Land Records.
My role that night was to discuss my partnership with Wings Hauser, my own work as a 21st century actress, director and singer-songwriter and founder of my hand-built up-cycled “sustainable studio” floating in the Venice Beach Canals where we make signature movies, music & books that we describe with mottos & logos relating to either hydroponic farming / aquaculture / organic cuisine or other inspirations from sister arts such as “sustainable fashion” or visual arts.
As we are authentically indie, it’s difficult to pigeonhole my projects, which is part of the purpose for our existence. That’s why we often include terms like “organics,” “sustainable,” “farm to table films” “small batch” and “single source” such as :
March 8 2024 happened to be International Women’s Day during women’s history month at this particular moment in HERstory and as the film Vice Squad depicts scenes of unusually graphic violence against women my goal was to prepare some ideas in this vein.
What you are about to read began as a simple practical exercise to clarify my thoughts. And then it happened again. I felt a “meditation” coming on. Some might call it an essay but my mind is a collage, so poetry & lyrics are my jam.
At first I planned to illustrate the ironies and ecstasies of casting as my metaphorical “God” (Doctor Goddard) in my Oscars 2020 Contender “Eve N’ God This Female is Not Yet Rated,” the legendary actor, Wings Hauser, who immortalized one of the most evil cinema villains in history, a vicious white pimp named Ramrod.
Of course Wings Hauser is also known for a variety of eclectic powerful and even comedic roles in films & television over the course of his legendary 50 plus year career, including roles in films advocating for diversity in Hollywood. He’s known for his role as “Lieutenant Byrd” in the Oscar nominated movie “A Soldier’s Story,” as well roles in movies by two important African American artists, “Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life is Calling” by the genius, Richard Pryor and “Tales From The Hood” by innovative actor/writer/ director Rusty Cundieff, who, in my opinion started his own genre.
I’m SO honored that my feminist interracial LGBTQIA musical fantasy “love is love story,” “Eve N’ God This Female Is Not Yet Rated” was featured in a panel next to those amazing films.
Official Movie Trailer Cali Lili ‘s Eve N’ God This Female is Not Yet Rated starring Wings Hauser Cali Lili Candace Burney Isriya McFillin
I am in pre-preproduction on my next film and album so I REALLY couldn’t justify lending time to write anything other than the next draft of my current new screenplay. Nevertheless “she,” this chapter, persisted and when a simple bout of note taking, snowballs into a longer group of sentences and then paragraphs, on rare occasions like this one, I reluctantly give in, consenting to explore the meditation into unknown territory.
So it was, the following paragraphs wrote themselves into a chapter and the chapter barged in and wrote herself into my book. Like all good meditations, this became a journey toward an unanticipated destination.
Whether unwittingly or consciously, artists often explore recurring themes in our work. This trip unexpectedly returned me, toward the destination of my constant worry that cultures must find ways to redefine success away from our current violent supremacy / dominance model so we can relocate the coordinates to our humanity. The perfectionisms we worship, to the detriment of our work/life balance are a symptom of our supremacist bias and that perfectionist model can often erode the spirits of our better angels and lead us, to exactly where we are now. My worry is not just that as a culture, many of our citizens (and citizens of many other democracies) have not only lost the location of our humanity, they, we, have also lost the compass. When many of our fellow citizens see violence as a viable option for the illusion of problem solving, the entire culture suffers and thereby, the world, the very earth & water & sky suffer, as do all living beings. Of course violence never solves problems, it only creates more problems.
But even here, the conclusion is not really the point, it’s all about the journey (as the protagonist “Eve” in my indie film says). As mentioned, for me, poetry & lyrics spill more easily than prose, so besides the Pacific Ocean, the following “stream of consciousness” is the way I surf.
Grab a board.
Here we go.
Part 2
JD Salinger is My Tap Water
So, it’s way too late on a school night and I’m way too young to be riding the New York City subway alone when some guy decides to make some stand against his own demons by opening up a zippo lighter very close to my face. He screams in that spine altering guttural octave, that I should “GET OFF HIS TRAIN.”
I don’t budge. I just give him the “green eyed burn” staring right back at him with the kind of steely resolve I should not possess at the tender age of 12. But I’m a New Yorker, JD Salinger is my tap water and Holden Caulfield could’ve been my brother.
Subway guy brings the lighter even closer to my face. I am a little blonde girl with a little mermaid backpack full of books tucked under my dance shoes and he is a wounded middle aged black man. Little did we both know, I’m not quite “white,” I’m just a rose gold shade of multiracial multi-continental coral-pink. And I’m already nursing a few wounds myself.
If I get off “his” subway car now I will be at a lonely subway station not even close to my final Jackson Heights destination in the middle of the night. There are very few people in the subway car and I’m the only girl.
But the violence I have been navigating in my childhood home has taught me to stand my ground. I’ve seen a man bully and beat a woman, I’ve stood in between them as an unfortunate referee only to fail in my efforts as he throws her out of her own home. I’ve helplessly seen her sleep in the park downstairs. I’ve tiptoed to the apartment door to let her back in when he’s asleep. I’ve even called the police to intervene between my parents. So no motherfucker on a train is gonna tell me what to do.
Little Little did I know, subway guy probably saw the movie “Vice Squad” on DVD and wanted to play out a Wings Hauser zippo scene with me. Something about me, triggered him into that retro zippo moodand something about me, triggered him into that retro zippo mood tonight. When I stared him down, he backed off. The look in his eye was a combination of shock, disbelief, determination, pain, and acquiescence. Finally another man on the train ushers the zippo wielding man away from me. But zippo man never takes his eyes off my eyes staring him back into his territory, telling him I know the jungle too. I would experience several other encounters like that in the big apple, but this was my first bite.
Part 3
But I Still Love A Hollywood Ending
Just a few years after the NYC subway incident, I’m in Los Angeles, sharing the anecdote with my partner, Wings Hauser who is amazed. He tells me about the zippo lighter scene in “Vice Squad” when Ramrod the pimp confronts a woman on the street in exactly the same manner, suddenly holding up a zippo lighter to her face. Most on screen pimps were portrayed as black men and Wings was told black audiences appreciated seeing a ruthless white pimp on the screen. Subway zippo guy might have been emulating Ramrod years later when he encountered a vulnerable blonde kid with whom he could play out the scene.
My formative years were characterized by such hauntings, echoes in the NYC air not unlike that of almost any urban playground complete with sprinklers in the park and a lonely sandbox for those of us who wished we could go to the beach in summer like the “happy” kids do.
At NYU I studied the works of many master artists, including “master of suspense,” Alfred Hitchcock, who was once asked:
“what is your idea of happiness?”
His answer:
“a clear horizon, no clouds, no shadows.”
In a filmed interview, by Richard Schickel (“Film on Film” 1973), Alfred Hitchcock relates a childhood story in which his father, a green-grocer, sent young Alfred to the local jail with a note for the chief of police, who promptly led the boy down a long corridor, locked him in jail, returned ten minutes later, and released him saying “that’s what we do to naughty boys.”
Hitchcock remembers the “clang (and) solidity of that cell door” (“Film on Film” 1973).
Without warning, an unsuspecting victim is wrongly punished or accused of some wrongdoing. The accuser reveals a previously hidden intention of evil which has now risen to the surface. The victim screams innocence on the wind to the world, but “life goes heedlessly on and we hurry to join it” (Film On Film, 1973 ).
As the audience, we, the “other witnesses” in the scene can “enjoy the suspense” literally “suspended” in time, no matter how disturbing the story, as long as we are assured the movie will end, then, we’ll go to dinner or drinks or traffic, or just go to sleep in a “hurry to join” life going “heedlessly on.”
Hitchcock’s recurring themes include victim-protagonists who consider themselves innocent, but the director says:
“our evil and our good are getting closer together… In today’s sophisticated era you can barely tell one from the other ; evil can intrude anywhere” and one “can’t hide from the world” (“Film on Film” 1973).
Hitchcock confides:
“I’m afraid of everything” and explains his intentions toward his audience:
“they must be provided with the knowledge that death may appear at any moment” (“Film on Film” 1973).
In “The Birds” Hitchcock’s lead character pleads
“innocent of crimes against nature. Nature is disordered … in revolt…
In Hitchcock’s universe, no-one is innocent of something like original sin” (Film On Film, 1973).
So what does all this have to do with movie icon Wings Hauser, who played the sado-misogynistic, coat-hanger wielding , castrating devil spawn character named “Ramrod” in the 1982 movie “Vice Squad,” along with an excellent cast, including the powerful Gary Swanson and beautiful Season Hubley ?
What does it have to do with me, casting Wings Hauser as my version of a flawed but ultimately redeemable metaphorical “God” in my sustainable, green, all female crew production of the 2020 Oscars Contender “Eve N’ God This Female is Not Yet Rated” an interracial feminist fantasy, LGBTQ love is love story & rock n’ roll epiphany?
Glad you asked.
Part 4
From Ramrod
to
“ Eve N’ God ; This Female Is Not Yet Rated “
At first it was just a great casting choice that also felt like a fun bit of future cinema trivia. But the idea bloomed upon examination through my particular set of lenses. Whether we movie lovers consider ourselves “high brow” or “no-brow,” whether we love horror, genre movies , authentic art house cinema, documentaries, Hollywood classics and beyond, whether we music lovers crave death metal, rap du jour, global rhythms or any era, any culture, any iteration of singer songwriters, our common bond, in my humble opinion, lies in our desire for freedom (yeah democracy) our admiration & inspiration from independent thinking, our demand that individuals DO MATTER (in spite of the corporate-mind-pablum we are over fed) and we are genuine supporters of that oft-imitated, more often appropriated, rarely achieved “indie” status of the truly “independent” artist. We bond over our disdain for injustice. We don’t want to be told what to read what to watch or what to “like .”
My educational background was so eclectic & interdisciplinary spanning from pre-law & anthropology to physical disciplines like multicultural dance & other movement methodologies, I often feel like I am purposefully bridging a variety of intercultural disciplines.
In this case, my thoughts were riffing on connections between sci fi fantasies, thrillers, horror movies, theatrical adaptations for film, nerdy performance art methodologies and political science scenarios in which the yin/yang balance of power between males and females becomes the central focus. Oh, and I was also thinking about the current insanity marking the John Roberts’ So Called Supreme Court’s dalliance with dictatorship.
One key theme in my film is an exploration of a line of dialogue spoken by “Eve,” our protagonist. In the middle of her 21st Century “epiphany” she contemplates :
“the original –
original sin”
In “Eve N’ God, This Female Is Not Yet Rated,” as in Hitchcock’s cinematic universe, even god , like Hitchcock’s characters, “is not innocent of something like original sin,“ to paraphrase the previous quote from Richard Schickel.
Meanwhile in the 1982 world of “Vice Squad,” we have Gary Swanson’s gritty portrayal of a cop named “Walsh,” representing for us, the forces of “good against evil” as a good cop. We also have Season Hubley’s powerful portrayal of “Princess” the classic “hooker with a heart of gold” who is also a young single mom.
While wildly different from Vice Squad, my film also happens to grapple with the “Yin-Yang” balance, the “Tao of Eve,” the “Tao” of good versus evil. My story also happens to center on a triangular structure of central characters inhabiting a 21st Century post industrial, post modern, post Edenic world of riddles, illustrated by triangles, spirals, formulas on the walls & metaphysical codes found in nature and art. I could not shy away from allowing our allegorical protagonist, “Eve,” (Cali Lili) to illustrate a “Girl Gone Wild” PHD style.
When I wrote and shot my film, I hadn’t seen the other movies exploring “Eve.” Each of the other “Eve” themed films illustrates uncanny similarities, much to my surprise.
That subject deserves its own essay which I feel obligated to write, but for now, suffices to point out that each of the “Eve” movies addresses this theme :
“girl gone wild ”
Well, of course we gone wild. The making of my film is in itself, an example of a 21st Century “girl gone wild,” and a risk.
My version of a counterculture indie is riskier than most because it does not rely on the normally bankable genre of horror, gratuitous sex & violence. A risk because while I do include love scenes and some violent imagery, my counter culture project relies, mostly on my own auteur style, dialogue, acting, and the intellectual curiosity of the intelligent audience. A risk because the protagonist is not only a woman, she talks a lot. In fact, she “breaks the sound barrier,” as over 51% of the movie dialogue is spoken by a girl.
That’s a risky film.
Our “Eve” is a contemporary version of “a stripper with a heart of gold“ who multitasks as a surfer chick in Venice Beach, putting herself through school, earning a PhD in gender studies and supporting her no good husband named “Adam.”
In a nutshell, my story can be described as :
“One day
in the epiphany
of a 21st Century Girl,
Who Kissed A Girl.”
The movie takes place in one day, “today.” Today is the day “she” finally has “the talk” with our version of a metaphorical, flawed “Dr. God” / “Doc” (Wings Hauser).
Doc is Eve’s PhD advisor and head of the gender studies department.
During that long overdue conversation, Eve demands accountability & answers from “God .“
She needs answers to many of the questions women and girls (and those who love us) have debated in our own minds, hearts & souls for centuries, including , biblical restrictions to the nature of female sexuality, girls’ reproductive & healthcare rights – oh – and also – whatever happened to “Lilith,” the original “Eve,” our “Mitochondrial Eve,” originating in Africa, but conveniently erased from our collective memory? My Eve asks “Dr. God” to answer for that long lost sisterhood.
Here I feel obligated to detour for a brief mention about the 1956 classic “Eve themed” movie I just saw a few weeks ago for the first time. Directed by Roger Vadim starring Brigitte Bardot, the title is : “And God Created Woman” ( “Et Dieu … crea la femme “). I was struck by some of the shocking similarities between some aspects of that production and mine, but I was even more gobsmacked by the differences in how we ended our films.
While my allegorical fable ends with Eve setting herself free (like many of the other Eve themed films) thereby also setting our metaphorical Dr. God, free too, the 1956 Vadim movie ends in a vastly different manner. After the Bardot version of a character named “Juliette” who’s persona screams of “Eve,” performs her “wild dance” for freedom to the rhythm of African bongo drums, she is “tamed” by her white “Adam,” who SLAPS her back into “her place” as “his woman.” The Vadim movie portrays Juliette/Eve feeling “relieved” and sexually aroused by that slap. Her “Adam” then, leads “Juliette /Eve” back “home” (Eden?) by the hand, happily into her future humble domicile.
For those of us looking closely, we think we see a twinkle in Juliette/Eve‘s eye, indicating that no walls can hold her to this home with Romeo/Adam. But who knows, maybe she wants the security of a cage while also enjoying the makeup sex? That’s what this 1956 movie appears to say. I’ve always believed every relationship crafts its own vocabulary. While I was personally disappointed in how the Vadim movie ends, I must admit that it’s none of my business how this couple, or more to the point, this female, gets her “kicks.” Of course it’s far more questionable when couples choose to raise children in patriarchal environments where the female is chronically dominated. Sound familiar?
Bardot’s complex portrayal of “Juliette/Eve” is a powerful display of self-knowledge & determination along with moments of fragile vulnerability & compassion. Like my version of “Eve,” “this female” too, is an authentic rebel. In my movie our patriarchal “God” figure asks Eve, “so, you got a cause Lady Rebel ?” To which Eve responds “Don’t need one, but yeah, I got cause.” Similarly, I saw the Bardot version of the Eve archetype as the 1956 female version of James Dean’s 1955 Rebel. For any rebel, the “cause” “lies so deep in the cultural fabric, “ it is, as my Eve states “in the stitches.”
For our 21st Century rebellious fable, our Eve is a burlesque dancer / stripper who performs her own version of eVe’s liberation “dance” where she rips her stripper pole off its base, revealing wispy branches connected to the “tree of life.” Our Eve dances with a stripper pole that is actually the “tree of life.” As evidenced by the May 2024 cross examination of a sex worker named “Stormy Daniels,” who very bravely “takes the stand,” bearing witness under oath to stand up for herself, and for our democracy, yet our contemporary backwards culture, continues to slut shame women, blaming every “Eve” for her own victimization at the hands of a misogynistic supremacist culture.
For my Eve movie I felt that casting the actor who immortalized “Ramrod “ as my flawed but redeemable “God Figure” at this time in herstory was both poignant and irreverently funny. I shared this with Wings when I nervously asked him to read the script and more nervously asked him to consider playing the role (he doesn’t do favors and I don’t want favors). He loved it & did an awesome job as always. His best ever, in my humble opinion. Until our next one.
Flashback to Hitchcock , who himself was a sort of “God” figure, with a preference for the “Bardot” type, also known as “The Hitchcock Blondes” :
“The world today is full of brutality but it’s developed into brutality with a smile … We live in a chance universe, we are victimized by accident, saved by accident (and) the artist has to make the invisible a little hard” (Hitchcock 1973). The man who longed for a “clear horizon, no shadows,” the man who could be viewed as a self-proclaimed paranoid, employed the shadows of cinema to bring evil hidden clouds to the surface and project them, in a collision course, onto the screens of our emotional minds, now full of unprecedented doubt and fear as we navigate the 21st century on our interplanetary swimming pool.
Here we are 2024. The 21st Century. “Age of Aquarius,” yet we find ourselves saddled, still, on the edge of our seats & sanity, brought there by those who wish to return us all to the dark ages.
Now THAT’S – suspense.
It would be one thing, if such individuals or groups preferred to live in their own darkness. But they prescribe it, demand it for others. We are living through an unprecedented time when AMERICA, yeah, the country with the Statue Of Liberty holding up that torch, is approaching an election with one of two major parties, espousing a platform advocating an agenda for authoritarian dictatorship.
Not just ”Orwellian,”
positively “Hitchcockian” – ain’t it?
In the semi-edenic mindscape of my movie “Eve” points out to Dr. God, that he is “the MOST SUPREME Court. “ Then she goes on to ask “Where’s the female version of you?”
As we ride through 2024, this question about the “Supremacy” of the current iteration of John Roberts’ So Called Supreme Court and others who place themselves above the law, rings especially loudly because it originates in the “origin story” many of us rely upon for our notions and behaviors related to “faith“ and “justice.”
The book of “Genesis” is one particular biblical “origin story,” (many cultures retell their own origin stories) forms the basis for a cultural fabric held together by “the stitches” (referring again to another bit of dialogue from my film) of our legal & political institutions which have their own set of origin stories like “The Code of Hammurabi.“ Once again, contemplating “the original, original sin“ seems to me, a worthy theme that keeps on giving.
Alfred Hitchcock thought HE was living in precarious times. Oh boy, do we have a movie to show him. Imagine good old “Hitch” watching any segment of news today?
Then imagine him comparing it to the media of “alternative facts,“ where he would recognize our contemporary version of innocence sacrificed on the altar of evil.
Jump cut – forward to “Vice Squad.”
It was Wings’s brother, Erich Hauser (Rest in Power) who reminded us there had been an earlier movie entitled “Vice Squad” circa 1953 starring Edward G Robinson (full disclosure while I’ve been told I am possibly distantly related to Edward G. I have no idea if it’s true. Erich thought it was an amazing coincidence and so did we). Both Vice Squad movies brought the audience into a world not unlike that of Hitchcock’s characters. Both Vice Squad movies challenge our expectations, both warn us that even the good guys and girls might bend rules and both movies highlight the exploitation of women.
It’s likely the Edward G. Robinson version had a similar effect on the audience of his day but in the case of Wings Hauser’s now iconic free form portrayal of actual mayhem in one living specimen, “Ramrod,” there is a far more disturbing aspect to the suspense we experience when faced with Ramrod’s “brutality with a snarl.“
Wings Hauser’s performance of a malignant narcissistic sociopath in action – not only brings us to the edge of our seats, it DRAGS us to the edge of sanity. Drags us into a world of such chaos that we might forget our future ability to walk away from the theater and join the flow of “life ongoing heedlessly” as prescribed by the “master of suspense “ himself.
The tone of Hauser’s performance takes us – beyond the scope of mere suspense, it matches the tone of increasingly risky circumstances we all find ourselves in these days. Of course, abuse is far more difficult to confront in “real life.”
Ramrod in your house is a whole other animal.
That’s why the sacred art of acting, the Holy Spirit of drama, might continue to foster our healing through catharsis, “if we can keep it” as Ben Franklin famously said about our young Democratic Republic.
Cathartic Drama is an older goddess than Democracy but they inform each other well in the process of civilization.
Another good example is the play “A Streetcar Named Desire” by Tennessee Williams who co-adapted it for the screen with director Elia Kazan.
Uncomfortably, “we” (the audience) watch Brando throw down Stanley Kowalski’s brand of misogyny, yet our culture venerated the “STELLA” moment as though it were a monument to “bull in a china shop passion,” instead of a revolting, infantile cry from a homophobic wife-beater, reeling his lusty willing victim, Stella (in a very difficult role played beautifully by Kim Hunter) back into his dirty grasp, before raping & institutionalizing her sister Blanche Dubois (played by the genius Vivien Leigh, who is herself a miracle, performing miracles on screen with every role she breathed life into) the only kind and refined soul to fly accidentally into the light of the voracious furnace we laughingly call “society,” eventually to be burnt at its stake.
Stanley is likely suffering not just from the ptsd he suffered in the war but also his own homoerotic impulses, yet none of that is the driving force for his “deliberate cruelty.” Blanche says :
“some things are not forgivable. Deliberate cruelty is not forgivable! It is the one unforgivable thing, in my opinion, and the one thing of which I have never, never been guilty.”
Stanley’s need for superiority, absolute power as “the rightful king” of his domain, is his “why.”
Was our culture AS uncomfortable watching Wings Hauser’s Ramrod perform far more sadistic acts of cruelty than Stanley Kowalski?
Or were we gradually desensitized by a culture increasingly tolerant of the “deliberate cruelty” Blanche Dubois called out on behalf of Tennessee Williams, whom no doubt, was mourning our loss of the American “Belle Reve,” the lost “beautiful dream,”drained of innocence by ever increasing levels of tolerance for the “deliberate cruelties” of authoritarian violence, abuse, misogyny, homophobia, racism & environmental abuse, like so many famous experiments exposing human capacity for inflicting torture on command?
At least some progress was made when the screen version of the Tennessee Williams play showed us a “Stella” who, (perhaps against the will of the author?) unlike the theatrical version, refused to go back to her abuser at the end of the film. On screen, Stella finally rejects the abuse she was willing to tolerate on stage.
Luckily, we also get to see the brilliant Karl Malden, and other excellent actors who play Stanley’s army & poker buddies, transform from their blind obedience to Stanley, into a Greek chorus, eyes open for the first time, recognizing Stanley’s corruption. We recognize it on Blanche’s behalf, and ours. Blanche, of course, is the symbol of liberal democracy. She hangs in there advocating for poetry, flattering lighting, romance, love, justice, beauty, acceptance and the “kindness of strangers.” Blanche is even kind to Stanley, who neither deserves nor “desires” her kindness. Stanley has no time for the humanity of streetcars, he’s a freight train with a “napoleonic code.” Having buffed up his physique toward an authoritarian ideal for so long, the “bread lines” for desire & democracy no longer hold power over his behavior. This makes Stanley a danger to anyone & everything he touches. He is fueled by the goal of supremacy, fueled by cruelty, the only thing in the world Blanche rejects, the only thing she can never forgive.
Good for her.
Blanche is a Shero. She may look like she’s going away to some loony bin, but I say she escapes the loony bin for a better place, leaving the lunatics like Stanley and his enablers in their bin. Like our contemporary Eve, she hasn’t been kicked out of Eden, she walks out.
You Go Blanche.
You Go Eve.
Fast forward to the “Vice Squad” universe, Ramrod, like Stanley, seems to “get away with everything” for most of the movie & many viewers seem to “love to hate him.” An apt metaphor for our times. But it’s not just that cliche at work here, you know, the one about how “we love to hate “any given character.
The staying power of Hauser’s performance, like Brando’s, lies in our civilizations’ nervous adolescent worship of male-flavored superiority and dominance. I have written elsewhere that I believe we must quit our addictions to superiority and dominance or risk incubating smarter and more effective wannabe dictators.
Our culture and many others also seem to worship ever violent (often misogynistic) films that are referred to as cult counterculture “edgy” films when they are young movies (often directed by males) and then referred to as cult classics when the films grow up. But these movies are the furthest thing from counterculture because they are the closest thing to our cultural biased norms.
That’s why I decided to take the risk of making what I felt could be a truly counterculture film. A movie in which 51% of the dialogue was spoken by a woman. In researching gender studies & women in STEM, I found scientific studies proving evidence that most males and some females find it very challenging to listen to the voice of a woman for any significant length of time and retain what she says. I don’t think that’s nature. I call that “socialization” of the most destructive kind.
My project was made with an all female production crew at a time when this was rare. I tried to create an all female music crew, but it was not to be. By the time we completed the soundtrack though, I was beyond happy that the sound crew was authentically “integrated” with regard to gender, cultural backgrounds and sexual orientation.
I must take an extra moment for a BTS Note. My project would prove to be an authentic counterculture product from the moment I put an advert out, inviting female – and LGBTQ identified crewmembers – to submit resumes, explaining in the advert that we would be hiring with an aim toward diversity. The hate mail flowed in immediately and it was vicious from the start. We are now all , unfortunately accustomed to some of the rancor we see in society these days, purposely normalized by those who seek to harm democracy and civilization by dividing us from within but as recently as just a few short years ago we were truly shocked by that level of misogynistic homophobic poison. Some of the infantile comments left where my movie is playing on demand on various platforms also illustrate how counterculture this project truly is. We sure seem to have “disturbed the comfortable” while making a project intended to “comfort the disturbed.” I’m glad. That was a real risk worthy of a contemporary “rebel” with a cause so deep, it’s “in the stitches.” Mission accomplished.
I’ve written elsewhere, I believe we need a new definition for success. Our shy admiration for characters like Stanley & Ramrod, who will stop at nothing to assert their dominance, speaks volumes for who we are as a culture. Considering that our culture is currently toying with the idea of authoritarianism and that our legal system, our political system, and our economy could use some improvements in delivering our ideals of “equal justice under law” along with rights to pursue happiness for our most vulnerable citizens, by the people, for the people, it seems to me that the archetype of pure evil embodied in such characters can serve as teachable moments for our times.
This is one of the reasons I was so interested in portraying a “flawed deity,” played by the actor who immortalized Ramrod.
It’s one thing to watch a character go balls out to achieve his goals in a work of fiction but of course it’s quite another to live with or endure such an abusive character in your own home, your own workplace, in your own country or online where cyber bullies or self-appointed critics and “reviewers” living in mommy’s basement (or in the lap of our culture’s luxury class) can wield sociopathic amounts of influence over other people’s thoughts, minds, hearts and lives.
Perhaps many of us have not experienced abuse directly, but I can assure you it ain’t no movie. If Republicans get their way and manage to destroy American Democracy, more of us will join the unfortunate club of unfortunate people who’ve directly experienced abuse.
These days, in light of current events, the terror of Hitchcock’s description of the jail door slamming, is now fully felt by the audience at a time in history / her-story when our precious democracy is threatened by some people’s twisted fantasies of success for the few.
The sheer unbridled rampage of evil claiming supremacy above any “Rule Of Law” as “ Ramrod “ eludes “ Walsh “ and claims his spot as an “archetype of abuse” is a useful “story-lesson in fear.” A story illustrating the horrors of abuse of power, way too uncomfortably mirrored on the nightly news. When it comes to a character as thoroughly evil as Ramrod (imitated by other actors after that performance), an examination of his popularity with audiences is worth a second and third consideration in light of our times.
Supremacy is in fact, completely unsustainable, without violence, which is why it is an unworthy, dehumanizing goal.
Unlike the bank robbers (sometime murderers) portrayed in the movie “Bonnie & Clyde,“ the character of Ramrod in “Vice Squad” is uncompromisingly cruel, whether indifferent or enjoying his crimes, he’s always “efficient” at delivering human suffering, like the dead eyed ruthless efficiency of a shark swallowing limbs whole, never deterred except for an occasional pod of angelic dolphins. Ramrod doesn’t even bother to get angry like Stanley did in “Streetcar.” He doesn’t waste energy with emotion. Like a corporation, he swallows up the territory & spits out the bones as an afterthought, another acting choice by Hauser (often imitated by actors who took their cues from Hauser’s performances of Ramrod and a few other similar iconic roles he’s played.)
Ruthless efficiency at all costs is a familiar cultural aspiration. Sports teams are touted as having “dominated” their opponents. We tell each other to “crush it” as we approach a challenge at work or play. As swathes of our culture contemplate voting for an authoritarian in 2024, we must finally admit it, we do worship superiority, and dominance. The current state of affairs of state, is the reaping of that worship. That Frankenstein we incubated.
May I please, humbly suggest (as my protagonist “Eve” suggests) we need a recovery program for this addiction or it will swallow us whole.
The rules of logic lead us to an uncomfortable truth. When a culture worships dominance and superiority, it must, logically, incubate and give birth to superior dominators. “Move Fast Break Things” was the early motto of Facebook. Personally, I always admired & now mourn the loss of Google’s early motto “don’t be evil.” Growing up these past few years I’ve often thought if people who worshiped dominance were exposed to abuse on a personal level, they would favor “don’t be evil” over “move fast break things.“
Our admiration for dominance (which we’ve unfortunately exported) surely incorporates our appreciation of characters who display 100+ percent commitment to a goal. We are an economy and culture based on results. As I write this, I realize the concept of “taking risks” is often associated with “commitment to goals,” the ultimate American aphrodisiac. Touchdowns, home-runs, 401 K’s, Teslas.
I’m suggesting we consider taking “cathartic risks for the power of good causes” – AS POWERFULLY – as those who take such risks for the sake of power.
Ramrod’s sado-misogynistic cruelty is also tinged with a hint of his own possible latent homo erotic tendencies. He is the embodiment of unbridled evil and abuse of power but Ramrod, like other abusers, like Stanley, who derive enjoyment from inflicting pain on women – might just need a boyfriend?
If it wasn’t so terrifying it could be funny, like “SNL,” or poignant, like “Brokeback Mountain.”
As I’ve written elsewhere, survivors of abuse share an unfortunate lesson in wisdom that is worth heeding as a culture. Any abuse, whether it be domestic , child abuse, animal , environmental abuse, or civil rights, human rights abuse, all abuse is an abuse of power.
Power is the abusers’ desired objective. Without absolute power, the abuser cannot survive.
Like the shark who must keep moving and devouring to stay alive, Ramrod, the quintessential portrayal of cinema villain archetype is both, abuser and dictator. He will never submit to “ Walsh “ or to any law or “rule” except his own. He makes the rules and no other rules exist for him. That’s the “real trick” to “staying alive” on the streets, to paraphrase the “Vice Squad” poster.
Ramrod is almost omnipotent. He will never concede, admit or even recognize his own vulnerability, eluding capture & death for as long as possible. He’s a never ending high speed chase and the audience is suspended in that liminal space, “enjoying” the hating of the character as long as they know the movie will end and they can “join life heedlessly ongoing.“
But in “real life,” we, the people, we the audience, witness, digest & become desensitized to abuses of power on the nightly news, becoming “addicted,” dependent upon, the outcome. Some of us hope for a “Hollywood ending,” others rooting for “the bad guy.” We, the people, the democracy, the republic, the nation need the good guys to prevail.
Don’t we ?
Throughout the history of storytelling, there have always been scary stories, fables, fairytales and fantasies, including sci-fi, which provide our cultures with a form of “healing through fear. “
As an actress, the most satisfying acting moments involve some form of improvised, imaginative playing with “danger” and risk-taking on the word “action” within the “safe” context of “the play” & “the rules” of a profession, the craft of acting where the consequences of any action are unexpected and spontaneous, if we are doing our job.
Of course I don’t mean actual or “real” danger. But as Hitchcock mentioned years ago, our imagined danger, and our real dangers are drawing dangerously near each other (including on-set safety). I don’t believe it is a good sign, but I do believe we can learn some lessons as we navigate the toxic “reality show culture“ currently endangering every aspect of civilization from education to arts, politics, of course, rule of law, decency, democracy, and Mother Earth. When I saw the reality show “Survivor” for the first time (years after its inception) it scared me. I felt that this show was grooming our nation to normalize cruelty and betrayal while glorifying one notion of success above all : “supremacy.”
What could be scarier than losing the freedoms of democracy? And thereby losing hope for the wellness of the planet? Whether it be actual prison or psychological, legal, societal imprisonment under authoritarian rule – or massive earthly devastation, the road to freedom is determined by our willingness to stand up for our rights.
In Vice Squad , detective Walsh must be wondering to himself throughout the movie, “what the fuck does it take, to take this Ramrod thing down?”
And then when he gets the chance to nail him, he utters an iconic line most of us associate with Clint Eastwood : “go ahead, make my day.”
Way before the Eastwood line, came the origins of that famous quote. The first iteration uttered by Gary Swanson as “Walsh” who said it to Wings Hauser as “Ramrod,” when Ramrod’s rampage finally ends.
Walsh To Ramrod :
“C’mon scumbag, make your move and make my day.“
Although Walsh represents the “good” part of good v. evil, this line of dialogue, that cinematic moment , indicate to us, that always looming in the context of any human story is the borderline between the two. Certainly this is not an exhaustive list of examples but both the 1973 film “Serpico,” starring Al Pacino directed by Sidney Lumet and the 1991 movie adaptation directed by Lili Fini Zanuck based on Kim Wozencraft’s novel “RUSH,” clearly illustrate the limitations of officers working in “Vice,” which is why their duties are often limited to specified periods of time, lest they become too cozy with the ways and means on the “bad” side of town.
Part 5
THE IRONIES
and
ECSTASIES
of
Escalating Risk in Film, Art, Life.
As our 21st century culture witnesses one unacceptably unaccountable atrocity after another, throughout the world, including our own United States Supreme Court, we are desperately in need of “the good guys” and girls.
Posted :
“WANTED :
Heroes & Sheroes.
Now Hiring.
Must be bold
non-violent
risk-takers
for ‘good trouble’ (to paraphrase the great hero congressman John Lewis“ )
My version of “Eve,” stands up to an omnipotent “Doctor God,” performed with the same ruthlessness and commitment by the actor who portrayed the seemingly omnipotent “Ramrod.”
Both “God” & “Ramrod” assert what they believe to be their absolute right to absolute power.
Those who believe it is their right to remove the rights of women in this country, in the name of a “God,” they pretend to speak for, are far more devilish than Ramrod.
Eve, who has been shamed & slandered by Adam, forced to forget her soulmate, Lilith, finds herself vulnerable and alone on a planet “where everything eats everything else,” summons up the courage to challenge “God,” to “become a better man.”
My allegorical fable about a contemporary Eve, the interracial love story between Eve and Lilith as two women of color, and the long overdue conversation between “Eve” and “God,“ is a response to our cultural and judicial solipsism. A dreamscape that seeks to awaken us from nightmares and challenge us to heal our very real opportunity for a kind of “paradise” on Mother Earth, where air might be safe enough to breathe and water, safe enough to drink, and endangered species, including democracy, might once again, dare to thrive in harmony as we spin forward splashing through space.
A cultural space where an independent filmmaker might thrive while taking creative risks for the sake of a healthier culture. An entertainment eco-system that nourishes and supports the independent artist and the audience, with nourishing “food for thought,” instead of appropriating and then attempting to diminish genius as disposable corporate collateral damage.
A cultural , legal and legislative landscape, even a tax structure that rewards the independent artist for taking intellectual risks and making art based in our democratic ideals as much as it rewards Wall Street box-office smash hits dominating corporate theaters – and as much as it might reward her for making babies.
My background in yoga & wellness, inspired me to create a sustainable studio that could “farm & harvest” what I consider to be “aqua-culture” to “nourish” culture.
My background in pre-law, is what I relied upon to understand the evil performed by the 21st century iteration of the so called “Supreme” Court. The John Robert’s Years.
My background in anthropology & performance studies led me to explore the physicality of metaphors like “standing up “ for a principle.
In considering moments of risk in performance in relation to moments of risk in everyday life, the common denominator is the human being, the actor, equipped with a vulnerability of mind and body.
In this era of contemplating the permutations of artificial intelligence, as a human artist, an actress, dancer, as a singer and also a practitioner of the ancient ancient art of yoga, I find it helpful to turn towards the interplay between our very human, mind-body mechanism and the performance, the art we render.
The mere act of “standing up” as in “standing up for ourselves “ involves a struggle:
“When we are merely standing still, a great deal of coordinated muscular activity is being carried out invisibly. We have to fight against the force of gravity, and this requires energy” (Atlas of the Mind and Body).
Existence is a continuous struggle and this lesson can be learned, as many lessons are, from the elementary example of the human body:
“Much of the body’s muscle movement is involuntary. Our hearts, digestive tracts, the walls of our arteries, lungs, eyes, skin, and bladder, operate on a kind of dual control system where dilation alternates with constriction”
(Atlas of Mind and Body).
This alternation is a struggle of two opposing forces , a yin – yang, in service to the same function.
“The interplay of muscle groups is initiated by brain activity but is not necessarily always ordained by conscious will. The passenger standing in a train for example, swaying but remaining upright does not have to think about the muscle actions needed to keep him on his feet” (Atlas of Mind and Body) and yet “although the activities of involuntary muscles are largely beyond our conscious control, in some cases we can override the instruction of the autonomic nervous system…” (Atlas of Mind and Body).
In this case we have another form of struggle, the “involuntary,” or unconscious workings of the body with the conscious will. The “content” of the brain’s conscious and unconscious struggle depends on various permutations of “chance” genetic and environmental factors in this “chance universe” ( “Film on Film” 1973) where good and evil may sometimes wear the same mask.
Unlike mainstream culture, where obvious delineations between “good“ characters & “evil” ones are clearly defined, “counter culture” projects offer the artist new options. Empowerment of girl power, social & environmental justice and the questioning of societal norms including faith & marriage, women’s & lgbtq rights and democratic as well as environmental freedoms is the foundation for my sustainable movies and music.
Although “Eve N’ God ; This Female Is Not Yet Rated” was shot before Covid, two of the three main characters speak to each other via zoom and many of our themes are now, in 2024 – topics of intense conversation and daily debate in every form of media.
My “Eve” character seeks to “give voice” to women everywhere, to “the global girl” and to characters like “Princess” in “Vice Squad” along with the many other cinematic “sex workers with hearts of gold.”
Currently our culture is navigating an old “minefield” where decency squares off against notions of superiority elevating some living beings above others.
Superiority is not sustainable.
Neither is a culture that refuses to cooperate with its own best interests. Just consider the fact that a portion of our citizenry willingly enable threats to fellow citizens like Ruby Freeman & her daughter Shaye Moss who volunteered their time to the sacred work of our guaranteeing our fair elections or E Jean Carroll, Stormy Daniels, and others who stood up for themselves against bullies. Consider too, that instead of condemning the bully, those who enable the bullying, call the bully “a god” and gleefully participate in assaults on democracy, endangering the nation and the planet, for what ? For their own benefit. For power. For supremacy. The “gentrification of culture” has caused us to vote against our own best interests.
The great screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky showed us to ourselves in his genius film “Network,” which illustrates what happens to a culture that conflates news with entertainment. The ironic genius of Chayefsky showed us our reality culture before we got here. He warned us.
Chayefsky and other artists of his generation employed irony to bring us to our senses. Irony is like that strong cup of coffee in the morning or that early morning workout, clearing your head, out of the fog into the light. Irony, because it leads to ecstasy. I know it’s not dead. This is probably an excellent time for the Renaissance of irony. And please don’t confuse my idea of “Renaissance” I’ve been mulling over since I mentioned the expression “ 21st renaissance in the works“ in a previous essay, with the current appropriated use of the word “Renaissance”
in corporate “pop” culture. Nor should my humble sustainable studio be confused with the equally appropriated “humble beginnings” stories offered by corporate stars in order to obfuscate the obscene money hoarded by the 1%.
I’m saying we get back to using our brains when we experience art. One way we can use our brains is by embracing the ecstasies of “irony” as illustrated by so many of our brilliant predecessors. Yes they would be very OLD if they were alive and active today. Old and wise, even though not very old person is a wise one, we could use a little Paddy Chayefsky. Chayefsky was very close with director Bob Fosse, who directed the film “Lenny,” about the late comedian, Lenny Bruce. Fosse looked up to Chayefsky and considered him his best friend. If you take a quart of jazz, blend it with some post modern irony and then shake it up with 21st Century political dirty tricks, what have you got ? You got that OLD thing called “the blues.”
The origin story of the “blues” is the origin of the human cry. Add an American twist and that’s how we got a Langston Hughes’ poem :
“ I wish the rent
was heaven sent”
The blues has always been a cultural coping mechanism. The African American experience was a sisterhood & brotherhood to the Jewish immigrant experience, the Irish American , the Mexican American experience and that of many other immigrants. There is a wry sad smile everywhere and lucky for American culture, some of our immigrants were capable of capturing the feeling.
A feeling called “the blues.”
Chayefsky said “the worst kind of censorship is the kind that begins in your mind before you sit down at the typewriter.” That’s what happens when authoritarians rule but it’s also what happens when an artist tailors her own thoughts, to suit “the suits” and the alleged “marketplace.” In fact, nobody knows what the audience will love, but corporations decide what to “feed”
the culture. They decide it from the prix-fix “menu” on “the A List.”
Who writes the “A List” menu ?
“Status quo” industry practices with built in biases “train” our minds on “what to expect” when we “expect” the plot or style of any movie, the “sound” of any song, the “vocabulary” and structure of any article, essay, or book. It’s not so much racist or misogynistic or homophobic, though it is, but it’s FAR MORE about “the art, of the deal,” so to speak.
And THAT is how we got here. This moment in history & herstory, is a corporate-Hollywood moment.
When my project was in preproduction, we put out an advert asking for female & lgbtq crewmembers to send in their resumes, making it clear that our hiring practices are based in diversity. We received so much hate mail, intended to force us to curtail our innovative hiring and “put us back in our place.” But we knew it was not purely racist, misogynistic and homophobic. We knew that we were being called out for being free. We were being called out for being independent, for being individuals, for being humans who chose to make a human film with humans (not corporations) 100% at the helm.
My “why” for building my studio was all about “being the change I wished to see.”
We are “handmade to make a difference” ™️ and my studio logo is designed in the form of an “ingredient list,” a menu of sorts.
I’m dedicated to creating projects that “nourish” a healthier culture.
Now like an avalanche, parts of our culture hurtle away from humanity toward some unknown destination teeming with artificial intelligence, all too disrespectful of human intelligence.
Caution:
Nerdy Performance Studies Detour Ahead
I debated whether or not to include the section below about performance theory and its ensuing network of ideas. Ultimately, I decided, hey, I’m talking about taking risks so what’s wrong with taking a few intellectual risks too? So, please exercise caution as you navigate the next section of this winding road. You might enjoy it? It might bore you? But unless you are a true performance art, performance studies nerd, I don’t think you’ll be reading about this anywhere else. Give it a shot.
I wonder if Chayefsky, or Tennessee Williams, or Marlon Brando , or Elia Kazan, were aware of theater experimentalist Jerzy Grotowski who was “interested in the actor because he is a human being” (Grotowski 1968). Grotowski employs the “give and take” of muscles in our bodies as a theoretical principle. His actor training involves the constant “give and take” between one part of the body and another part, the mind and the body, one performer and another performer, director and performer, performer and text, and performer and audience.
The body functioning in harmony with mind as a result of struggle, like the Japanese Zen ideal, is Grotowski’s “method” :
“When I tell you not to think, I mean with the head. Of Course you must think, but with the body, logically and with precision and responsibility. You must think with the whole body, by means of actions” (Grotowski 1968).
Grotowski expects human actors to push themselves to the limits of their potential, “bypassing the half measures of daily life” (Grotowski 1968).
Grotowski says: “It is far less risky to be Mr. Smith all one’s life than to be Van Gogh.”
This is partly true, provided that Mr. Smith does not, in his own way, spend his life consciously asking “why” and placing his mind and body in risky situations in order to approach answers to fundamental questions of existence – in Grotowski’s terms “struggling with one’s own truth” (Grotowski 1968).
Intentionally placing oneself in the midst of the ongoing struggle, either physically or psychologically, is an act of admitting the “yin-yang,” the “Tao” of the human condition. Our vulnerability is our power as human beings.
The “difficult” road, rather than the contented or apathetic one, is open to all humans (including Mr. Smith) and it can be understood in terms of the Japanese Zen journey to “satori,” or enlightenment:
“What is truly difficult is to become conscious of what you have in yourself and be able to use it as your own” (Suzuki 1965).
“Action” in Zen, which is using “what you have in yourself,” is to be taken with “no mind,” like Grotowski’s logic of the body. The practice of swordsmanship was very closely linked to Zen philosophy and this art is an extremely risky one, in which “the problem of death (is involved) in the most immediately threatening manner” (Suzuki 1965). The swordsman in action “must come right out of his inner mechanism.” He must act instinctively and not intellectually” (Suzuki 1965).
Grotowski’s interpretation of Antonin Artaud’s notion of “cruelty” is this : “cruelty is rigour” (Grotowski 1968). The artist who is “cruel” to himself has examined his art and his mind/body with rigor.
Grotowski, the theater artist, has “cruelly” defined the domain of theatrical art. The risks taken on stage are analogous to those taken in life.
In a theater, both performers and audience “acknowledge a risk that things might not go well” (Macaloon 1984). Here, Macaloon describes an area of risk when what occurs on stage and how it occurs may not correspond exactly to the “pre-formed program of activity (Macaloon 1984). “
Macaloon also mentions risk in performance in relation to behavior in daily life:
“This element of open risk incorporated into the dialogue between the ‘what’ and the ‘how’ is universally present in cultural performances and it separates performance from most of everyday behavior…. This is scripted action and therefore, it…is different from everyday behavior” (Macaloon 1984) .
Performers struggle against the “pre-formed” form of theatrical action each time they engage in the act of performing. However, the intensity of the struggle, the “how” – very much like the intensity with which one engages everyday behavior, varies greatly from individual to individual. The higher the intensity, the greater the risk, and the greater the possibility for intense satisfaction or intense failure.
Grotowski comments on risk:
“Part of the creative ethic is taking risks. In order to create one must, each time, take all the risks of failure” (Grotowski 1968) return for the risk involved in stripping the self physically (in body technique ) and psychologically in the “poor theater” and the seemingly histic “shock” technique, both the actor and audience can “experience human truth” (Grotowski 1968).
The “ethical” actor, in the “poor” theater according to Grotowski, achieves “great satisfaction:
“After self-sacrifice beyond all normally acceptable limits, (he) attains a kind of inner harmony and peace of mind. He literally becomes much sounder in mind and body and his way of life is more normal than that of an actor in the rich theater” (Grotowski 1968)
What does Grotowski expect of his “ethical” (or “holy”) actors?
“If the situation is brutal, if we strip ourselves and touch an extraordinarily intimate layer, exposing it, the life mask cracks and falls away….” (Grotowski 1968)
“It is much more difficult to elicit the sort of shock needed to get at those psychical layers behind the life mask” (Grotowski 1968).
The “life mask” of Macaloon’s “everyday behavior” is not safe in Grotowski’s theater.
Similar to the ritual sacrifice described in Richard Schechner’s
Ritual and Performance (1986) where “a victim is selected, a surrogate, scapegoat,” Grotowski’s actor sacrifices him/herself as a kind of “homeopathic” cure (Schechner 1986).
Grotowski speaks of sacrifice:
“If he does not exhibit his body but annihilates , burns it, frees it from every resistance to any psychic impulse, then he does not sell his body but sacrifices it” (Grotowski 1968).
In place of the “courtesan actor” (Grotowski 1968) who “exhibits” and “sells” the self, Grotowski trains a “holy” actor who sacrifices the self for the community. This actor trains himself to endure past the point of fatigue and then provokes the community, requesting their participation in the ritual.
Macaloon’s “acknowledgement of risk,” where something may not proceed according to script, is no longer in focus. The relationship of actor to audience is more “difficult” and the nature of risk is also more “difficult.”
A new kind of liminal sphere is opened up for both actor and audience when endurance for a creative ethic becomes the focus.
In my projects, I explore this territory, especially minimalism which informs my signature style, along with the “poor theater” & particular forms of Japanese aesthetic practices which I have studied so deeply, but for now, I will focus on a few simple examples.
Grotowski’s aesthetic choice is “poor theater.” For many performers “poor theater” is usually a necessity as well as somewhat of a choice.
In “ Choices: Making an Art of Everyday Life (1986), “ Marcia Tucker describes performances which “challenge and upset (her) preconceived notions of art….” (Tucker 1986).
The “performance art” described in “Choices” involved artists who took physical and emotional risks in the name of their creative ethic and according to Tucker, “much of the work … was seen by the public as masochistic” (Tucker 1986).
An example of the work discussed in “Choices” is that of Chris Burden’s performances.
Tucker lists some of these: “(He) locked himself in a 2’x2’x3′ locker for five days (1971), crawled through fifty feet of broken glass with hands held behind his back (19/3), had himself crucified on the hood of a volkswagon
(1974)…, (Performed) Shoot (1971) in which a marksman accidentally shot Burden in the arm and Prelude to 220, in which he was strapped to the floor by copper bands next to two buckets of water containing live 110 lines… (These) were…public pieces which specifically incorporated a very real danger to himself despite the fact that the odds were against his actually being injured….” (Tucker 1986)
Burden comments: “I don’t think I am trying to commit suicide. I think my art is an inquiry, which is what art is all about” (Tucker 1986).
Like Grotowski’s experiments with the mind/body of the human actor, many
“auto-performers,” who are often classed as “performance artists” and work in galleries conduct
experiments which raise the stakes of inquiry to an extraordinarily high level.
Performance artists can project their hidden violence to the audience in the form of images or in the form of theatrical reality, which is action in the “here and now.”
Given the “reality show horror” projected onto our nightly news (I’m told by my elders, that it’s not all that different from the nightly news of yesteryear), theatrical reality in performance is becoming closer to “everyday reality” (as in Performance artist’s “making an art of everyday life” Tucker 1986) and consequently, the risks taken in theatrical reality are also closer to potential risks of everyday life.
Aside from horrific accidents taking place on movie sets, that are then reported on the news, the tension of risk lies in the extension of a theatrical violence, born of the violent material in the artist’s (or con artist’s) conscious and subconscious mind – inching its way back into the “everyday” world and testing how far out into the world it can go.
The continuum of risk factors to the human being either in performance or in daily life now includes climate related risks to life, permanent and/or temporary physical/psychological damage, physical/psychological discomfort, embarrassment, or pain, to unsatisfactory fulfillment of a personal goal.
The common factors of risk in life and in performance are the human mind and the human body. Each factor of the risk continuum must also be seen alongside a continuum of perception and/or action/behavior on the part of the risk-taker.
The human being in life and in performance can be either a “risk-seeker” or one who shuns risk.
According to psychological studies on the subject of risk-taking,
“thrill-seeking often produces the best achievers, but it can also create the worst criminals…. For some, the thrills are mainly mental, for others physical, and for still others they are a mix of both” (Farley 1986).
According to researcher Frank Farley, the level of “thrills” that each individual seeks is closely related to levels of arousal in the reticular activating system which “controls our body’s level of arousal” (Atlas of Mind and Body).
Farley explains: “We all seek unconsciously to maintain optimal level of ‘arousal’ or activity in the central nervous system, particularly in the… reticular activating system….If arousal is too high or too low, we try to adjust it to some middle ground” (Farley 1986)
The middle ground is sought by “average” individuals who seek “soothing environments ” (Farley 1986) when arousal is too high and “stimulating environments” when it is too low.
However, some individuals have unusually low or unusually high arousability. Farley names people with unusually low arousability “big T’s” as opposed to the high arousability “little t’s.”
Big T’s tend to be more creative and extroverted, but they also tend to be more delinquent, hyperactive, and reckless drivers (Farley 1986). In the action/behavior area of the risk spectrum these individuals are sensation seekers and perceive the risk factor, but their attitude toward the known or unknown source of possible consequences, such as death or breaking the law (which could result in physical/emotional damage and/or discomfort and/or failure to achieve personal goals), is one of disregard, reverence, or increased pleasure at the high stakes of the risk.
In a study focusing on anxious and reckless drivers, psychological researchers found that the reckless driver, the low arousability sensation seeker, has “difficulty internalizing norms” (Shoham, et. al. 1984).
The anxious driver, on the other hand, “(deeply) internalizes traffic norms (and is)… less willing to take risks” (Shoham, et. al. 1984). The reckless driver will view the prospect of punishment as a source of pleasure since “punishment will raise their desired feeling of tension” (Shoham, et. al. 1984) .
Reckless drivers, and psychopaths, are described as having “low ability for avoidance learning (Shoham, et. al. 1984), while the anxious driver is said to have a “high learning and conditioning ability and low impulsivity level ” (Shoham, et. al. 1984).
It is interesting to note that much of the most recent actor training “methods” since Stanislavsky have stressed the qualities of the “impulsive” reckless driver and psychopath, who do not internalize norms but seek their own road.
Examples of such texts are Viola Spolin’s “Improvisations for the Theater” and Grotowski’s “Towards a Poor Theater. “ These texts downplay the “learning,” “conditioning,” and “internalizing” aspects of the “anxious” driver who resemble a
Stanislavsyesque (since we can’t compare the actors who worked with the man to those who work with his texts) “method” actor trained in “emotion-memory.”
An example of risks involved for an unaware victim of risk who behaves normally in everyday activities is the potential victim of a natural, weather or nuclear reactor hazard victim. In this case, the government and media function as the director of a suspense film (“thriller”).
Hitchcock says: “the essential factor to get suspense is giving them information” (“Film on Film” 1973). He offers an example of the increased effectiveness of suspense in a scene where the audience, in possession of knowledge that a bomb will soon explode, watches two men discuss baseball, over the same scene of the conversation when a bomb suddenly explodes without the audience’s prior knowledge.
In the case of a potential climate catastrophe or nuclear hazard:
“If an individual has formed strong initial impressions about a hazard results from cognitive social psychology suggest that those beliefs may structure the way that subsequent evidence is interpreted…. The people lack strong prior opinions about a hazard…they are at the mercy of the way the information is presented” (Slovic, et. al.
1984)
In the case of any risk, including risk from weather events or disease, the study Behavioral Decision Theory by Slovic, et. al., stresses interpretation and perception:
“(the fact that) differences in how risks are presented can have such marked effects suggests that those responsible for information programs have considerable ability to manipulate perceptions and behavior” (Slovic, et. al. 1984)
The director, like the government or media program, has the power to organize information in such a way that the actor is unaware of the various possibilities of risk to his mind/body. However, in examples of performance where risk is, in itself, a major theme to be explored in the act of performance, the actors are individuals willingly devoted to an ethic or ideal and willingly subjecting themselves to varying levels of risk.
Guerrilla and Radical/Political theater in the U.S. during the 60’s, and other forms of “outlawed” and “revolutionary” (in the broad sense of the term) performance have occurred all over the world.
The stakes have become increasingly higher to match the increasingly risky nature of our “post-modern” / post millennial world in which the ultimate disaster – annihilation of the human race and most forms of life on planet earth, is no longer a hidden evil.
Our capacity for enduring the concept and visualization of violence becomes higher as society becomes addicted to its portrayal.
The “thrillers” of today are not as tame as Hitchcock’s “thrillers.” The raging characters described back in the 80’s on the cusp of a new century when instagram & AI were just a twinkle in the corporate eye, are the majority of the stories civilization is now hooked to, the stories future generations grow up on, the global language of video.
The high level of tolerance and enjoyment of violent images is a perfect match for the actual and potential violence which is a factor in the existence of every human being on earth.
This information is available to us in our everyday lives through all forms of media.
Long ago and far away (it seems much longer than it really has been) Constantin Stanislavsky stressed the actor’s work of probing the psyche for genuine emotions which would allow the play’s text to come alive.
Stanislavsky provided actors with a much beloved safe “circle of light” with which the actor could surround him/herself and forget the audience in order to do the job.
It was later on in life that Stanislavsky paid more attention to “physical actions,” but the region of the psyche remains the territory of Stanislavsky’s texts.
As if in reaction to Stanislavsky text, Grotowski (who claims Stanislavsky as a “teacher”) developed a “psycho-technique” which stressed the body as the most honest (genuine) form of human expression.
Although the element of improvisation, present in various forms in both Western actor training and in the work of a master of Asian performance (Schechner 1985) and the element of possible failure have always presented a risk to the performer and entire performance, the element of risk is quite a different matter for avant-garde performers. Realization of Grotowski’s “sacrifice” of the body by many avant-garde artists (not necessarily directly influenced by Grotowski’s work) heightens the performer’s potential risk.
Similar to Hitchcock’s conception of the slow merging of good and evil is the increasing approach of a risky “action” in performance to a risky “action” in daily life. There are no more magic circles to hide in.
As Hitchcock presciently put it, “you can’t hide from the world.”
While the corporate artist (or the non-corporate individual con-artist-thief) shamelessly steals fresh ideas plucked from social media where “the poor artists” share ideas, today’s 21st century authentic artist is almost forced to be “ethical” in this time of extreme uncertainty.
Painfully aware of what Richard Schechner calls “the end of humanism “ ( Schechner, 1982) and far from retreating from the risks of an artist, in a necessarily poor theater functioning, in the underfed outskirts of a hugely, materialistic and overfed, (mostly, Western) society, the post-modern / post millennial artist commits him/herself to the task of asking the relevant questions of the time. And with nurturing from an informed caring audience, together, the individuals that create the culture might nurture the culture so she can heal herself.
I’ve written elsewhere that I believe we are participating in a “Time of Useful Consciousness.”
It so happens that our time in history / herstory involves very high risk to humanity as a whole and the questions formulated by artists match their society, social atmosphere, and cultural ecosystem.
In Japanese culture, for a samurai warrior, a swordsman, a Zen priest, a kamikaze pilot an action should ideally be performed without the accompaniment of conceptual thought.
Intuition is the catalyst of action and Zen philosophy urges action to be carried out immediately after intuition is perceived. Zen philosophy has also produced seemingly paradoxical performances in which subtle poems in praise of beauty are composed by Samurai warriors who then, lay down their ink brush in favor of the sword to perform the violent ritual of suicide, Harakiri. The actor divides his body from the belly upward and his companion completes the act by cutting off the head.
Devotion to an ethic or ideal is the element that drove many Japanese men to perform according to intuition.
“I am indifferent to the cold of winter,
It is the frozen hearts of men that frighten me.
I know that my end is approaching ;
What joy to die like the shining leaves that fall in Tatsuta, Before becoming tarnished by the rains of autumn.”
Written by Saigo, 19th Century leader of a peasant revolt, before committing Harakiri (Yourcenar 1983).
This intensity of dedication and realization in action of innermost intuition is identical in quality to many of the “riskiest”performances that sometimes occurred in the Western world.
“Carbone 14,” a Canadian theater group, refer to their acting and training method (which becomes their “method” of everyday behavior) as “Kamikaze acting.”
Mr. Brass, one of the founding members of the company, says in an unpublished interview:
“ I think theater is there to ask questions….We relate ourselves to Kamikaze pilots…. (The work) is very physical, sometimes it’s very rough, sometimes very violent, and it takes total committment from each of the actors…. Our whole lives revolve around the theatrical act and that’s what I mean by Kamikaze” (Babcock 1986).
These actors have performed “suspended fifty feet in the air from a net attached to two silos in En Toute Securite …, balanced precariously on chairs fifteen feet off the ground in Le Titanic…, (and) setting themselves on fire in Le Rail….” (Babcock 1986).
The way in which these actors use the word “improvisation” and “risk” is very different from an older form of tension between scripted action and realization of action in the “here and now” when death was not present at any moment.
The performers, as if in a race for time, have pushed both the scripted and realized action toward the very limit of danger to human existence.
My protagonist, Eve, in “Eve N’ God This Female Is Not Yet Rated” defends her PHD thesis by stating :
“ there are no conclusions, we’re in the beginning”
But why take risks with performers’ lives ?
Mr. Brass says:
“For us it is a necessity…I go through periods of sheer conviction and moments of…total doubt…all at once” (Babcock 1986)
These performers need to exist in a difficult atmosphere because, in terms of Grotowski’s “via-negativa” (Grotowski 1968), they resign from not doing so. Their intuition demands that these human beings violently reject contentment or apathy. They do it, for the culture. They do it for the good trouble.”
I have attempted to formulate the questions of performers who have devoted their mind/bodies wholly to performing.
Performers who sacrifice the notion of personal “quality of life” in terms of family, home, and security, in Grotowski terms:
“the poor theater does not offer the actor the possibility of overnight success. It defies the bourgeois concept of a standard of living (Grotowski 1968 ).
Such performers feel compelled to ask the most difficult questions of our age, “the end of humanism,” employing most dangerous means.
For some of these performers, the long lost comfort of the “magic circle“ of theater is inaccessible to any theatrical artist using human body as a sacrificial “hostage “while he/she asks us to leave our own comfort zones in order to consider basic questions of humanity.
The artist seeks a community willing to participate in the ceremony and join in the rejection of apathy, acceptance of humility, respect for intuition, and join the artist in a resignation from inactivity.
Today’s risk as filmmakers, artists, but also as movie, music & art lovers – are no less visceral. But perhaps they are not as noticeable?
All day long our eyes and ears are bombarded with messages from those whose jobs are literally to “capture eyeballs and eardrums” through marketing campaigns in every flavor, on every level of society.
The messages used to “sell,” will stop at nothing, including plagiarism, in order to sell, for the few, who are already in power.
As I’ve written elsewhere, I believe we’ve strapped ourselves to the ticking time bomb of so-called success as if we were riding it rodeo style like actor “Slim Pickens” in Kubrick’s
”Dr. Strangelove Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb.” He rides it downward toward mutually assured doom.
And we’ve defined success, using the status quo vocabulary of supremacy and dominance. That’s why we are facing a reckoning with the rise of authoritarianism, the bastard child of supremacy and dominance, whose right brain functions as abuse, and whose left brain demands submission from every living being, every eco-system landing vulnerable in its path, subject to its will.
All authoritarian systems rely on submission.
Personally, whenever I am asked to “submit” my self as an artist or “submit” my work of art, I get physically nauseous.
Everywhere we look, we are ordered to “submit.” We have allowed our cultural minds, hearts & souls to be moulded by the corporate idols.
We “submit.”
Like my “ Eve, “ I say NO.
I won’t submit.
Because I agree with the genius of that “OLD GUY” author, screenwriter, thinker Paddy Chayefsky:
“The worst kind of censorship is the kind that takes place in your own mind before you sit down to a typewriter” (or keyboard or microphone or camera).
Most of us have experienced rejection at one time or another. Many of us have experienced or witnessed the toxic haters, bullies & nasty jokesters hiding behind fake avatars online who take pleasure in denigrating the work of an artist or the life of a vulnerable soul they happen to encounter.
Wealthy corporate mind-moulders and non-wealthy toxic grievance-holding hater bullies alike, share a world view which has unfortunately saturated global culture. They both subscribe to the cultural mental illness that worships superiority-dominance models of success. Whether violence is invoked or hinted at, it’s inherent to the supremacy-dominance model. And it’s killing civilization, draining the innocence & life out of our arts, cultures, societies, just as sure as the hands of a stone cold killer would drain out the life from his victim.
Daily we witness a real life horror movie with a “moral,” a teachable moment worth heeding.
It’s an addiction worth quitting.
How far will the human “race” advance in the era of technology if we lose all value for the existence of all life forms?
How much longer will the forgotten living beings, whole populations of people and species of wildlife, including artists, endure the real role of sacrificial victim before the real blood already spilled on corporate altars makes a difference, to you?
Does the artist who may not qualify as a commercial commodity have a strong role in advanced technological society?
Is her existence deemed necessary ?
Or is she disposable, like you?
And who is the deemer?
Who
Writes
The
“A-List” ?
Cui Bono ?
Who benefits from the list?
It’s not you.
Who will decide whose “freedom of speech” is honored & protected?
Same people who write “ The A Lists “?
Is there an “A List” for “speech” ?
For “rule of law?”
These questions are necessarily suspended in a precarious area of risk between matters of life and death for artists – and all fellow humans.
We too, run these risks “by choice and or, by chance” as Hitchcock warned.
In my film, our protagonist, Eve rediscovers her long lost lover, Lilith. Eve decides she must leave “Eden “ in order to join Lilith on Earth for a taste of paradise. In doing so, she saves not only herself, and Lilith, but she also saves “God” by redeeming Doctor Godard’s innocence.
We all know he’s capable of veering off into devilish Ramrod territory on occasion.
My Eve seeks to restore our innocence by reminding us that misogyny, defined as :
“hatred for all things feminine, vulnerable, wild, and free,”
is in fact the original, “original sin.”
In choosing to unite in the healing of true “original sin” and restoring our innocence by embracing our feminine, our endangered vulnerabilities, our wildness and our freedoms, we too, can save ourselves by cherishing our siblings, including every species of wildlife and sealife life roaming, swimming, flying on our beautiful, blue planet, our sacred Eden , our paradise, our mother, Earth, spinning into infinity, swirling and surfing the multiverse on our interplanetary swimming pool.
I have written to congress & the executive branch on behalf of independent artists and I will continue my efforts to secure human artist rights in an increasingly corporate monopolistic ecosystem.
I believe this effort to speak up for the independent human artist, yields dividends for the survival of every living being threatened by the indifference of corporate conglomerates & the greedy few who have hoarded humanity & comfort for themselves alone, to the detriment of the people and the planet.
My team and I make these projects with individuals, by individuals, for individuals and we make these projects for – you – because we love you.
I hope, my team hopes, you will consider supporting my efforts to bring awareness for independent artists by purchasing the movies, music & books we release direct from the Cali Lili Indies ™️ and by sharing them widely, adding more positive ratings & reviews wherever you see us speaking up for every one of a kind individual (you) with our handmade single source, sustainable indies.
Thank You from the heart, for all the support you have already shown us !
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
(Note : I’ve edited this excerpt a bit as I think further about the many issues raised in the original letter but no big changes , only expansions on the scope )
“ The Independent Artist is first responder to the soul of culture, and an endangered species… like democracy.
I raised my hand a lot in grade school. Didn’t always know the answer but so pumped engaging on the questions. One day, I found myself in the hallway with the teacher explaining that my class-mates were bullying me because they were jealous. Jealous? Of me? “WHY would ANYONE be jealous of me?”
Raising my hand was a symptom of raising myself, surviving an abusive home, so my self esteem wasn’t always strong. I guess my hand raised in class was a plea to the multiverse, a signal for some lifeguard somewhere that I wanted to learn. To swim, not drown.
“Never stop raising your hand” my teacher said in a fervent, personal way. Even at that young age I understood someone must have laughed at her, tried to thwart her. She was warning me never to give in to the bullies as I would only betray myself. Her kindness and humanity, her warning about never limiting my own “possibility,” her willingness to be vulnerable yet strong were the underlying lessons.
CUT TO :
A few years later, I’ve been skipped grades and I’m the youngest kid in high school. Now I’m summoned to the principals’ office. Never been in any principals’ office, like, EVER. He’s yelling at me. My offense? I got accepted into early enrollment for University. I’m skipping the last years of high school, the diploma and the prom because University is offering me full scholarship. This principal guy is yelling at me because his school is “losing money” due to my leaving early. WTF.
CUT TO :
A few years later, I’m still raising my hand.
Dear Honorable Members of Congress,
Dear Honorable Executive Branch,
And
Everyone who cares about Art, Democracy, Civilization and Food,
SUBJECT :
Rescuing Independent Artists,
An Endangered Species,
(like Democracy)
from the
Gentrification Of Culture
President Biden described America in one word : POSSIBILITY.
I’m addressing you because I believe we have succumbed to a dominance/superiority – supremacy – based bully culture thwarting our possibility. The rise of supremacists might be the symptom of that malady and we might find cures by addressing the underlying causes. Nourishing the body of our democracy instead of pushing ourselves beyond the native wellness of our inherent humanity.
It may seem odd, but I’m referencing Senator Jon Testers’ Montana bill, protecting small meat producers from the monopoly of mega-distributors here. Obstruction & lack of fairness in distribution opportunities for independent artists is oddly similar to that of beef/food. This also reeks from our nations’ dependence on oil and victimization at the hands of conservative obstructionism including the supremacist misogyny, racism & homophobia on display in the current state of the so-called Supreme Court.
Like Ben Franklin, influenced by the “Enlightenment,” we can push back the Dark Ages by unlocking that forbidden door embracing the heart of our resistance, choosing disobedience over dogma, lest we become willing victims of so many contemporary “blue-beards.”
The parallels to distribution of film, music, arts, humanities & other cultural “products” (among our greatest “exports” like Democracy) could not be more pressing as we approach upcoming elections.
“Movies , Music & Literature are ‘ food for thought ‘ so let’s adapt Senator John Tester’s beef bill for distribution of independent art products, to support independent artists & build nourishing cultures & art communities … Please Let Us End the ‘Gentrification Of Culture ™️ ‘ by big $ media & put culture back in the capable hands of independent artists & authentic art lovers.”
Of course, the big-money-media dominance problem likely stems from an antitrust problem that maintains artificial hierarchies of false superiority, so deeply entrenched, for so long, in the highly influential cultural “media products” we all consume daily (and export too) which has infected our global cultural psyche, railroaded political discourse into a reality show circus and left us, the planet, where we are today.
I am trying to share what you may not know about the day to day details affecting the soul of an independent artists’ life, the vocation, the “calling” of culture-making. I’m trying to build a case for some possible solutions that might help us all.
I’m an independent artist who founded my own SustainableStudiO™️ where we make movies, music & publishing about social & climate justice themes with diverse crews. When a small independent filmmaker, like myself, used her meager savings along with some angel investments to make a tiny highly innovative movie & album with a diverse all female crew and then went “begging” to several film distributors, their response-echo was invariably :
“we (the distributors) do not accept unsolicited submissions
from producers we have not worked with in the past.”
So, these distributors are admitting, in writing, the insanity : that if a filmmaker like me, has not distributed a movie with them before, there is NO WAY to distribute my independently made, non-corporate film in any of the major American cinema or global marketplaces and get paid fairly in order to continue to do my own life’s work. The entertainment industry is arguably among our most lucrative ( for the few ) & exported sources of “American made product.” Or, is it ?
We Need a Thriving Artist Community Of Non-Billionaires
Distributor responses like these, were most devastating from so called (imposters) “indie” distributors who held out promise to those of us creating fresh projects unaware that status quo is already busy buying up all the possibilities while portraying themselves to the public as though they themselves are “indies,” thieving from actual independent artists like myself, as we scrape together pennies in spite of the “gentrification of culture.”
“Gentrification of Culture”
“ Independent Artists are ‘First Responders’ to the Soul of Culture
Early on I recognized that my culture valued me as a “baby-maker” far more than it valued what I consider my “babies” : my works of art. Authentic independent artists need breathing room and respect, in the same way parents with young kids, senior citizens or students, are understood and valued in this culture. Yes this may seem a radical idea but guys, people have paid millions for the progeny of Van Gogh, Picasso, et. al … How about affording some grace for living artists? How about a similar tax structure for artists, like the great director John Huston initiated in Ireland?
Why are Corporate Entities allowed to appropriate / impersonate the important role of artists in culture? We have quietly slipped into an Entertainment Oligarchy where manufactured superiority rules. This “Dominance / Supremacist Fiscal Model” also reflects our dependence on the oil industry and victimhood to Conservative Obstructionism. This is us, in the fun-house fascist mirror we seem to find so fascinating. Lordy I hope we don’t find out for real. Popular culture tends to deride the “starving artist.” I’m asking us to consider, who is getting the last laugh and at what expense to democracy, freedom, civilization, the planet ?
Recently 60 minutes did a story about Wall Street taking over housing and making it almost impossible for people to own homes or pay rent in the 21st Century. The story aired on March 20, 2022. I’ve personally experienced the horrors of gentrification, when my own tiny sustainable, hand-built studio located in a sleepy little beach neighborhood was targeted by developers. We fought back. I’m asking us all to do the same.
Corporate talking heads blithely spout false equivalencies and casually endorse products like books, movies and other entertainment products on the so-called “news.” Our culture has long been indoctrinated into worshiping money and dominance, so we no longer show respect for authentic artists not “so-called-curated” by corporate gate-keepers. To me, that means we have lost respect for ourselves, doomed to be groomed in the worship of the corporation.
A compromised culture incubated, birthed, indoctrinated into gentrification
and “worshiping at the altar of wealth” will logically elevate notions like “superiority” and “dominance” at the expense of the necessary humanities that celebrate non-transactional human behaviors and values necessary to healthy culture and democracy. I am advocating for non-corporate, authentic independent artists but also for the simple concept of “truth.”
Who writes the A-List?
We need to support “artists for artist’s sake” which is to say “liberty” “freedom” and the “pursuit of happiness” for their own sake too. We need to secure “UNCURATED” yet remunerative spaces, for the artist in society. Europe and Canada maintain a healthy respect for artists, why can’t we?
Please help us all stay independent from the Cultural Industrial Complex, let’s create a “farmers’ market” for indie films & music. Let’s have an online space where seasoned directors & producers can directly communicate with newcomers like me. Let’s not limit our own possibilities, betray ourselves. Let us “raise our hands” in the global classroom, ask questions, not settle for the candidate, or the movie or album with the biggest budget, the loudest voice, the most cruel derisionor worse, the indifference of apathy.
Big money media is so dominant over every screen, from big screens to cell-phones, that they are literally “authoring” – “dictating” not just our thoughts, but the very process of thinking. We need new common sense thinking and action addressing culture-making by independent artists – and also – the mechanics of why we need to vote for ourselves.
The independent artist, unowned, like a public servant who does not answer to big money, is never beholden to big money corporate conglomerates
and therefore represents the deep “infrastructure” of the soul of our nation,
without which, we collapse deeper into the transactional, corporate, oligarchical reality show culture that got us where we are today.
So Let’s make the possibility of a better tomorrow possible. “
Important Update For 2023 & beyond: Tech Security Matters For Fairness in the Digital Economy
Some of the needed legislation that the FTC , White House Office Of Technology and the Consumer Finance Bureau could help us with – involves unfair business practices employed online by both big & small competitors with access to nefarious technological techniques used to downgrade competitors’ SEO , things like “shadow-banning” or SEO hacking – techniques which can be employed by publicists or anyone with access to this tech to lower artists’ and other small business presence online.
This ties in with our need for national online security. Truly a national security issue that should not be left to each individual computer / phone user because frankly, we can’t keep up with it.
“It takes astonishing courage to step out of the confines of linear expectations, walk alone into the woods with just a True North compass; to launch a small, single – woman sailboat into the Pacific, living out of the sea. Or – to make a film, in LA, with a beggars budget and, yet, have it all become so intellectually gratifying and allowing us to think on it long after.”
Times Square Chronicles Movie Review of Cali Lili ‘s Oscars 2020 Contender “Eve N’ God This Female Is Not Yet Rated “
(Note : I’ve edited this excerpt a bit as I think further about the many issues raised in the original letter but no big changes , only expansions on the scope )
I raised my hand a lot in grade school. Didn’t always know the answer but so pumped engaging on the questions. One day, I found myself in the hallway with the teacher explaining that my class-mates were bullying me because they were jealous. Jealous? Of me? “WHY would ANYONE be jealous of me?”
Raising my hand was a symptom of raising myself, surviving an abusive home, so my self esteem wasn’t always strong. I guess my hand raised in class was a plea to the multiverse, a signal for some lifeguard somewhere that I wanted to learn. To swim, not drown.
“Never stop raising your hand” my teacher said in a fervent, personal way. Even at that young age I understood someone must have laughed at her, tried to thwart her. She was warning me never to give in to the bullies as I would only betray myself. Her kindness and humanity, her warning about never limiting my own “possibility,” her willingness to be vulnerable yet strong were the underlying lessons.
CUT TO :
A few years later, I’ve been skipped grades and I’m the youngest kid in high school. Now I’m summoned to the principals’ office. Never been in any principals’ office, like, EVER. He’s yelling at me. My offense? I got accepted into early enrollment for University. I’m skipping the last years of high school, the diploma and the prom because University is offering me full scholarship. This principal guy is yelling at me because his school is “losing money” due to my leaving early. WTF.
CUT TO :
A few years later, I’m still raising my hand.
Dear Honorable Members of Congress,
Dear Honorable Executive Branch,
And
Everyone who cares about Art, Democracy, Civilization and Food,
SUBJECT :
Rescuing Independent Artists,
An Endangered Species,
(like Democracy)
from the
Gentrification Of Culture
President Biden described America in one word : POSSIBILITY.
I’m addressing you because I believe we have succumbed to a dominance/superiority – supremacy – based bully culture thwarting our possibility. The rise of supremacists might be the symptom of that malady and we might find cures by addressing the underlying causes. Nourishing the body of our democracy instead of pushing ourselves beyond the native wellness of our inherent humanity.
It may seem odd, but I’m referencing Senator Jon Testers’ Montana bill, protecting small meat producers from the monopoly of mega-distributors here. Obstruction & lack of fairness in distribution opportunities for independent artists is oddly similar to that of beef/food. This also reeks from our nations’ dependence on oil and victimization at the hands of conservative obstructionism including the supremacist misogyny, racism & homophobia on display in the current state of the so-called Supreme Court.
Like Ben Franklin, influenced by the “Enlightenment,” we can push back the Dark Ages by unlocking that forbidden door embracing the heart of our resistance, choosing disobedience over dogma, lest we become willing victims of so many contemporary “blue-beards.”
The parallels to distribution of film, music, arts, humanities & other cultural “products” (among our greatest “exports” like Democracy) could not be more pressing as we approach upcoming elections. Of course, the big-money-media dominance problem likely stems from an antitrust problem that maintains artificial hierarchies of false superiority, so deeply entrenched, for so long, in the highly influential cultural “media products” we all consume daily (and export too) which has infected our global cultural psyche, railroaded political discourse into a reality show circus and left us, the planet, where we are today.
I am trying to share what you may not know about the day to day details affecting the soul of an independent artists’ life, the vocation, the “calling” of culture-making. I’m trying to build a case for some possible solutions that might help us all.
I’m an independent artist who founded my own SustainableStudiO™️ where we make movies, music & publishing about social & climate justice themes with diverse crews. When a small independent filmmaker, like myself, used her meager savings along with some angel investments to make a tiny highly innovative movie & album with a diverse all female crew and then went “begging” to several film distributors, their response-echo was invariably :
“we (the distributors) do not accept unsolicited submissions
from producers we have not worked with in the past.”
So, these distributors are admitting, in writing, the insanity : that if a filmmaker like me, has not distributed a movie with them before, there is NO WAY to distribute my independently made, non-corporate film in any of the major American cinema or global marketplaces and get paid fairly in order to continue to do my own life’s work. The entertainment industry is arguably among our most lucrative ( for the few ) & exported sources of “American made product.” Or, is it ?
We Need a Thriving Artist Community Of Non-Billionaires
Distributor responses like these, were most devastating from so called (imposters) “indie” distributors who held out promise to those of us creating fresh projects unaware that status quo is already busy buying up all the possibilities while portraying themselves to the public as though they themselves are “indies,” thieving from actual independent artists like myself, as we scrape together pennies in spite of the “gentrification of culture.”
“Gentrification of Culture”
“ Independent Artists are ‘First Responders’ to the Soul of Culture
Early on I recognized that my culture valued me as a “baby-maker” far more than it valued what I consider my “babies” : my works of art. Authentic independent artists need breathing room and respect, in the same way parents with young kids, senior citizens or students, are understood and valued in this culture. Yes this may seem a radical idea but guys, people have paid millions for the progeny of Van Gogh, Picasso, et. al … How about affording some grace for living artists? How about a similar tax structure for artists, like the great director John Huston initiated in Ireland?
Why are Corporate Entities allowed to appropriate / impersonate the important role of artists in culture? We have quietly slipped into an Entertainment Oligarchy where manufactured superiority rules. This “Dominance / Supremacist Fiscal Model” also reflects our dependence on the oil industry and victimhood to Conservative Obstructionism. This is us, in the fun-house fascist mirror we seem to find so fascinating. Lordy I hope we don’t find out for real. Popular culture tends to deride the “starving artist.” I’m asking us to consider, who is getting the last laugh and at what expense to democracy, freedom, civilization, the planet ?
Recently 60 minutes did a story about Wall Street taking over housing and making it almost impossible for people to own homes or pay rent in the 21st Century. The story aired on March 20, 2022. I’ve personally experienced the horrors of gentrification, when my own tiny sustainable, hand-built studio located in a sleepy little beach neighborhood was targeted by developers. We fought back. I’m asking us all to do the same.
Corporate talking heads blithely spout false equivalencies and casually endorse products like books, movies and other entertainment products on the so-called “news.” Our culture has long been indoctrinated into worshiping money and dominance, so we no longer show respect for authentic artists not “so-called-curated” by corporate gate-keepers. To me, that means we have lost respect for ourselves, doomed to be groomed in the worship of the corporation.
A compromised culture incubated, birthed, indoctrinated into gentrification
and “worshiping at the altar of wealth” will logically elevate notions like “superiority” and “dominance” at the expense of the necessary humanities that celebrate non-transactional human behaviors and values necessary to healthy culture and democracy. I am advocating for non-corporate, authentic independent artists but also for the simple concept of “truth.”
Who writes the A-List?
We need to support “artists for artist’s sake” which is to say “liberty” “freedom” and the “pursuit of happiness” for their own sake too. We need to secure “UNCURATED” yet remunerative spaces, for the artist in society. Europe and Canada maintain a healthy respect for artists, why can’t we?
Please help us all stay independent from the Cultural Industrial Complex, let’s create a “farmers’ market” for indie films & music. Let’s have an online space where seasoned directors & producers can directly communicate with newcomers like me. Let’s not limit our own possibilities, betray ourselves. Let us “raise our hands” in the global classroom, ask questions, not settle for the candidate, or the movie or album with the biggest budget, the loudest voice, the most cruel derisionor worse, the indifference of apathy.
Big money media is so dominant over every screen, from big screens to cell-phones, that they are literally “authoring” – “dictating” not just our thoughts, but the very process of thinking. We need new common sense thinking and action addressing culture-making by independent artists – and also – the mechanics of why we need to vote for ourselves.
The independent artist, unowned, like a public servant who does not answer to big money, is never beholden to big money corporate conglomerates
and therefore represents the deep “infrastructure” of the soul of our nation,
without which, we collapse deeper into the transactional, corporate, oligarchical reality show culture that got us where we are today.
So Let’s make the possibility of a better tomorrow possible. “
Important Update For 2023 & beyond: Tech Security Matters For Fairness in the Digital Economy
Some of the needed legislation that the FTC , White House Office Of Technology and the Consumer Finance Bureau could help us with – involves unfair business practices employed online by both big & small competitors with access to nefarious technological techniques used to downgrade competitors’ SEO , things like “shadow-banning” or SEO hacking – techniques which can be employed by publicists or anyone with access to this tech to lower artists’ and other small business presence online.
This ties in with our need for national online security. Truly a national security issue that should not be left to each individual computer / phone user because frankly, we can’t keep up with it.
“It takes astonishing courage to step out of the confines of linear expectations, walk alone into the woods with just a True North compass; to launch a small, single – woman sailboat into the Pacific, living out of the sea. Or – to make a film, in LA, with a beggars budget and, yet, have it all become so intellectually gratifying and allowing us to think on it long after.”
Times Square Chronicles Movie Review of Cali Lili ‘s Oscars 2020 Contender “Eve N’ God This Female Is Not Yet Rated “
(Note : I’ve edited this excerpt a bit as I think further about the many issues raised in the original letter but no big changes , only expansions on the scope )
“ The Independent Artist is first responder to the soul of culture, and an endangered species… like democracy.
I raised my hand a lot in grade school. Didn’t always know the answer but so pumped engaging on the questions. One day, I found myself in the hallway with the teacher explaining that my class-mates were bullying me because they were jealous. Jealous? Of me? “WHY would ANYONE be jealous of me?”
Raising my hand was a symptom of raising myself, surviving an abusive home, so my self esteem wasn’t always strong. I guess my hand raised in class was a plea to the multiverse, a signal for some lifeguard somewhere that I wanted to learn. To swim, not drown.
“Never stop raising your hand” my teacher said in a fervent, personal way. Even at that young age I understood someone must have laughed at her, tried to thwart her. She was warning me never to give in to the bullies as I would only betray myself. Her kindness and humanity, her warning about never limiting my own “possibility,” her willingness to be vulnerable yet strong were the underlying lessons.
CUT TO :
A few years later, I’ve been skipped grades and I’m the youngest kid in high school. Now I’m summoned to the principals’ office. Never been in any principals’ office, like, EVER. He’s yelling at me. My offense? I got accepted into early enrollment for University. I’m skipping the last years of high school, the diploma and the prom because University is offering me full scholarship. This principal guy is yelling at me because his school is “losing money” due to my leaving early. WTF.
CUT TO :
A few years later, I’m still raising my hand.
Dear Honorable Members of Congress,
Dear Honorable Executive Branch,
And
Everyone who cares about Art, Democracy, Civilization and Food,
SUBJECT :
Rescuing Independent Artists,
An Endangered Species,
(like Democracy)
from the
Gentrification Of Culture
President Biden described America in one word : POSSIBILITY.
I’m addressing you because I believe we have succumbed to a dominance/superiority – supremacy – based bully culture thwarting our possibility. The rise of supremacists might be the symptom of that malady and we might find cures by addressing the underlying causes. Nourishing the body of our democracy instead of pushing ourselves beyond the native wellness of our inherent humanity.
DISTRIBUTION of Movies is Like BEEF … or Generally, FOOD
It may seem odd, but I’m referencing Senator Jon Testers’ Montana bill, protecting small meat producers from the monopoly of mega-distributors here. Obstruction & lack of fairness in distribution opportunities for independent artists is oddly similar to that of beef/food. This also reeks from our nations’ dependence on oil and victimization at the hands of conservative obstructionism including the supremacist misogyny, racism & homophobia on display in the current state of the so-called Supreme Court.
Like Ben Franklin, influenced by the “Enlightenment,” we can push back the Dark Ages by unlocking that forbidden door embracing the heart of our resistance, choosing disobedience over dogma, lest we become willing victims of so many contemporary “blue-beards.”
The parallels to distribution of film, music, arts, humanities & other cultural “products” (among our greatest “exports” like Democracy) could not be more pressing as we approach upcoming elections.
“Movies , Music & Literature are ‘ food for thought ‘ so let’s adapt Senator John Tester’s beef bill for distribution of independent art products, to support independent artists & build nourishing cultures & art communities … Please Let Us End the ‘Gentrification Of Culture ™️ ‘ by big $ media & put culture back in the capable hands of independent artists & authentic art lovers.”
Of course, the big-money-media dominance problem likely stems from an antitrust problem that maintains artificial hierarchies of false superiority, so deeply entrenched, for so long, in the highly influential cultural “media products” we all consume daily (and export too) which has infected our global cultural psyche, railroaded political discourse into a reality show circus and left us, the planet, where we are today.
I am trying to share what you may not know about the day to day details affecting the soul of an independent artists’ life, the vocation, the “calling” of culture-making. I’m trying to build a case for some possible solutions that might help us all.
I’m an independent artist who founded my own SustainableStudiO™️ where we make movies, music & publishing about social & climate justice themes with diverse crews. When a small independent filmmaker, like myself, used her meager savings along with some angel investments to make a tiny highly innovative movie & album with a diverse all female crew and then went “begging” to several film distributors, their response-echo was invariably :
“we (the distributors) do not accept unsolicited submissions
from producers we have not worked with in the past.”
So, these distributors are admitting, in writing, the insanity : that if a filmmaker like me, has not distributed a movie with them before, there is NO WAY to distribute my independently made, non-corporate film in any of the major American cinema or global marketplaces and get paid fairly in order to continue to do my own life’s work. The entertainment industry is arguably among our most lucrative ( for the few ) & exported sources of “American made product.” Or, is it ?
We Need a Thriving Artist Community Of Non-Billionaires
Distributor responses like these, were most devastating from so called (imposters) “indie” distributors who held out promise to those of us creating fresh projects unaware that status quo is already busy buying up all the possibilities while portraying themselves to the public as though they themselves are “indies,” thieving from actual independent artists like myself, as we scrape together pennies in spite of the “gentrification of culture.”
“Gentrification of Culture”
“ Independent Artists are ‘First Responders’ to the Soul of Culture
Early on I recognized that my culture valued me as a “baby-maker” far more than it valued what I consider my “babies” : my works of art. Authentic independent artists need breathing room and respect, in the same way parents with young kids, senior citizens or students, are understood and valued in this culture. Yes this may seem a radical idea but guys, people have paid millions for the progeny of Van Gogh, Picasso, et. al … How about affording some grace for living artists? How about a similar tax structure for artists, like the great director John Huston initiated in Ireland?
Why are Corporate Entities allowed to appropriate / impersonate the important role of artists in culture? We have quietly slipped into an Entertainment Oligarchy where manufactured superiority rules. This “Dominance / Supremacist Fiscal Model” also reflects our dependence on the oil industry and victimhood to Conservative Obstructionism. This is us, in the fun-house fascist mirror we seem to find so fascinating. Lordy I hope we don’t find out for real. Popular culture tends to deride the “starving artist.” I’m asking us to consider, who is getting the last laugh and at what expense to democracy, freedom, civilization, the planet ?
Recently 60 minutes did a story about Wall Street taking over housing and making it almost impossible for people to own homes or pay rent in the 21st Century. The story aired on March 20, 2022. I’ve personally experienced the horrors of gentrification, when my own tiny sustainable, hand-built studio located in a sleepy little beach neighborhood was targeted by developers. We fought back. I’m asking us all to do the same.
Corporate talking heads blithely spout false equivalencies and casually endorse products like books, movies and other entertainment products on the so-called “news.” Our culture has long been indoctrinated into worshiping money and dominance, so we no longer show respect for authentic artists not “so-called-curated” by corporate gate-keepers. To me, that means we have lost respect for ourselves, doomed to be groomed in the worship of the corporation.
A compromised culture incubated, birthed, indoctrinated into gentrification
and “worshiping at the altar of wealth” will logically elevate notions like “superiority” and “dominance” at the expense of the necessary humanities that celebrate non-transactional human behaviors and values necessary to healthy culture and democracy. I am advocating for non-corporate, authentic independent artists but also for the simple concept of “truth.”
Who writes the A-List?
We need to support “artists for artist’s sake” which is to say “liberty” “freedom” and the “pursuit of happiness” for their own sake too. We need to secure “UNCURATED” yet remunerative spaces, for the artist in society. Europe and Canada maintain a healthy respect for artists, why can’t we?
Please help us all stay independent from the Cultural Industrial Complex, let’s create a “farmers’ market” for indie films & music. Let’s have an online space where seasoned directors & producers can directly communicate with newcomers like me. Let’s not limit our own possibilities, betray ourselves. Let us “raise our hands” in the global classroom, ask questions, not settle for the candidate, or the movie or album with the biggest budget, the loudest voice, the most cruel derisionor worse, the indifference of apathy.
Big money media is so dominant over every screen, from big screens to cell-phones, that they are literally “authoring” – “dictating” not just our thoughts, but the very process of thinking. We need new common sense thinking and action addressing culture-making by independent artists – and also – the mechanics of why we need to vote for ourselves.
The independent artist, unowned, like a public servant who does not answer to big money, is never beholden to big money corporate conglomerates
and therefore represents the deep “infrastructure” of the soul of our nation,
without which, we collapse deeper into the transactional, corporate, oligarchical reality show culture that got us where we are today.
So Let’s make the possibility of a better tomorrow possible. “
Important Update For 2023 & beyond: Tech Security Matters For Fairness in the Digital Economy
Some of the needed legislation that the FTC , White House Office Of Technology and the Consumer Finance Bureau could help us with – involves unfair business practices employed online by both big & small competitors with access to nefarious technological techniques used to downgrade competitors’ SEO , things like “shadow-banning” or SEO hacking – techniques which can be employed by publicists or anyone with access to this tech to lower artists’ and other small business presence online.
This ties in with our need for national online security. Truly a national security issue that should not be left to each individual computer / phone user because frankly, we can’t keep up with it.
“It takes astonishing courage to step out of the confines of linear expectations, walk alone into the woods with just a True North compass; to launch a small, single – woman sailboat into the Pacific, living out of the sea. Or – to make a film, in LA, with a beggars budget and, yet, have it all become so intellectually gratifying and allowing us to think on it long after.”
Times Square Chronicles Movie Review of Cali Lili ‘s Oscars 2020 Contender “Eve N’ God This Female Is Not Yet Rated “
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
This Project is Hand-Made with 100 % Organic Hearts and Souls. HandMadeToMakeADifference™
Dear Ladies + Gentlemen,
We are SO PROUD to share
The HERstory of Our Oscars 2020 Contender:
In 2012 I set out to make a sustainable, green, upcycled, lgbtqia , interracial love story – an – all- female-crew motion picture —
with — an original, eclectic soundtrack —
much of it to be shot + recorded on a floating film set
and surrounding Venice Beach “hood” near my “AquaCultureZ™ WaterGarden™ feMt0™studi0”
The HERstory of the project is enclosed below and more exciting things are on the way
In the meantime, I’d like to add that this project was also a prayer for democracy and in contemplating , meditatingabout cultureI publish some thoughts from time to time… Here’s one of my offerings published by the“Cranky Yank” magazine in 2022 :
Upon graduating early with a Master’s Degree from NYU, then entering the life of a “working actress” I learned most roles offered to girls + women (except a lucky few) were too often broadcasting degrading messages about us.
I tried to “adjust” a couple of the early roles – to balance ‘ the power in the frame.’ Despite the content of any given dialogue or role, I worked to imbue the character with strength.
I was beginning to get offered somewhat lucrative roles, I was more than willing to work hard – “work my wayup.” The problem with that plan – is summarized by the “MeToo” movement, which is not just about inappropriate sexual innuendo, but psychological abuse leading to agony, resulting in self-doubt.
It’s also anEconomics problem, with roadblocks held in place by threads of racism, sexism , homophobia , climate-ignorance in a gate-keeping culture – when all I wanted was to excel in theprofession to which I’d dedicated myself whole-heartedly.
I’d been warned about this environment by older actors ( not actresses ) but assumed times had changed so I walked blindly into an environment reminiscent of a bygone era that had never updated it’s own “operating system.”
There I was with all this 21st Century software but there was nothing to run it.
How does a professional, work their way up such a slippery ladder? Perhaps economic inequality is sourced in such pathologies?
Until #MeToo became a hashtag – I’ll venture to guess that most women suffered under the weight of judgement by their families, friends and self-criticism about why they hadn’t progressed further despite their talent and drive. The worst part, is not being supported by “sisters” of a sorority I feel could be so comforting – and even worse, navigating a hyper-competitive “pigeons-for-scraps” culture based in scarcity where ideas and intellectual property can be so easily appropriated by those with power, harvested from those without.
I’ll venture to guess we all felt as though it was just happening to us alone. Similar to the “Occupancy Wall Street” awareness – when people realized that getting their degrees and working hard was not enough in an economy rigged for the 1 percent.
Even if I’d been willing to be willing on whatever levels of “consent” – I’d just come from surviving an abusive childhood – literally “rescued” by my passion for acting , dance, arts , learning – and my teachers who saw the talent, had invested their care in that little girl rushing through the streets of Manhattan – from dance class to acting class to anthropologyand science classrooms.
They’d invested their own passion for education – in that little girl – me.
I couldn’t let them down and I couldn’t let down other little girls who might someday see a movie that I was in – and when she sees me in that movie, she sees herself and when she sees herself, I want her to feel strong, not helpless. I want “her” to feel proud of “HERstory.”
After turning down three lucrative roles in a row, especially after bumping into one of the producers I’d turned down at a social event – noticing his “WHO are YOU to turn ME down glare ” –
I sucked it up – GLARED BACK with a smile –
and THAT was the moment I learned :
WHO I AM ? Is a girl who won’t get bullied – ever again.
Who I am – is a girl choosing integrity over expediency – no matter how ambitious I may be.
Ialso understood that it wasn’t “men” – it wasn’t “directors” or “producers” — it was the Culture at large.Certainly I’d run into plenty of women who had internalized misogyny to enact upon sisters and there was plenty of it in every profession. I had to find a way to work in my chosen profession, to which I had already dedicated – so I chose – to literally “be the change I wished to see” as the saying goes.
Having studied anthropology along with intercultural, interdisciplinary performance modalities – I felt uniquely equipped to grapple with these new insights – even though, they’d prove beyond challenging to implement. I’d be needing some miracles and tons of hard work integrating the education + early work experience I’d earned – with the realities of making a movie and album. A tall order.
I had saved up babysitting, lemonade stand, acting gigs and yoga teacher earnings and these were “startup funds” which I partly used to create our first music video “ElectionTrain” made in urgent support for Obama. Then we began pre-pre-production on the feature motion picture :
” I didn’t want to make a film or album that I’d already seen before.
I was aware that most noted ‘counter-culture’ revolutions in media had previously involved an examination but also ultimate glorification of violence + what is sometimes described as ‘toxic masculinity.’
The film prologue introduces my storytelling concepts which I’ve been referring to, as : “orgasmic” instead of “phallic.” I’m positing that my liquid, fluid, music-based, “orgasmic” storytelling journey to tell the “love-is-love-triangle-story” of eVe, Lila + Doctor Goddard – can exist in harmony with the more normative “phallic” cinematic storytelling styles most cultures expect in a narrative movie. While other directors have experimented with dabbling in it – I feel my movie, while working within the constraints of a modest budget, fully explores this type of storytelling, not with outer special effects, but with inner ones.
The movie draws us “under” and “into” the deep end of the pool, the pond, the ocean as if vacillating between conscious + unconscious time-space dimensions but always flowing like water (orgasmic) instead of rocketing into space (phallic) as “eVe” describes from “inside the closet.”
While I’m proud to say my film was made “like a girl” as that popular hashtag proudly proclaims – I’m almost tempted to ask the audience to consider my innovative storytelling “as if” this were directed by one of several guy filmmakers who’ve experimented this way, but with larger budgets but perhaps a bit less insight about the female nature of this “orgasmic” storytelling style which, in my work, seeks to flow poetic, liquid, music.
It is, in fact, I guarantee you, a different type of “orgasm.”
As my movie does include a theme + dedication to victims of violence against the LGBTQ community, women, black individuals + communities, indigenous individuals + communities … and … AND : our oceans, our mother Earth, wildlife – especially Sea-Life (most feminine) – I did portray an act of violence, but I was cognizant of telling the story of the movie in a manner I described onscreen as ‘orgasmic’ existing alongside most storytelling which is often “phallic.”
I posit that both ‘orgasmic’ + ‘phallic’ storytelling can ( and must ) exist inter-dependently in our Arts + Culture.
I found myself having to not only “shatter glass ceilings” + “break sound-barriers” – but I also had to “break” some storytelling / cinematic / music ‘ rules ‘ – in order to tell my ‘love-triangle’ ‘love-is-love – story’ : AUTHENTICALLY.
This wasn’t going to be structured like other movies – this “herstory” neededsomething from me + “she” is composed of the twin-Tao-yin-yang characters : “eVe” + “Lila.” “She” wrote herself, directed herself.
An all female, openly LGBTQIA crew in 2013 was VERY NEW (still rare) – if we were not ‘the first’ – we are definitely among the veryfirst –
Eyes widened whenever I floated the idea. Also pushback – pushed back — on a variety of levels.Sigh.
Some men “mansplained” – my idea was discriminatory. Others proudly displayed their self-hatred through open sexism, racism, homophobia, climate-denying biases, which was – briefly surprising but eventually – worthless, because hate, though ‘loud’ – is such a drab, useless – one way ticket.
Recently, I became aware of a “mini-genre” to which my “eVe” belongs – and by that I mean – movies which explore the internalized concepts of various religious “eves” – in the context of secular, colloquial (notbiblical)culture.
As my Master’s degree incorporated both Anthropology+ Performance Arts – I tend to “study” culture – even while I’m creating it.
I’ve noticed + personally experienced – the regulations + limitations placed on HER-stories – the ” ‘slut-shaming” of “eVe” ‘ – which has : palpable, real-life consequence for most women, girls, feminine males + wildlife(especially Sea-Life , most feminine) —with it’s victims buried deep in the roots of most cultures.
Shaming-eVe :
When looking “in the closet” of any given Culture – if we venture to explore past the climate-denial, past homophobia and racism – we’ll find misogyny – hiding – way – WAY … at the back of that closet – where most of us, even women, are unaware of the insidious odor seeping deep :
All that “femme” – is feared by the toxic entity which has hounded Humanity for eons – I’ll name it here : “that which believes it must control others or die.” That toxin can be presentin women too.
My “eVe” spends a good bit of the movie “trapped” indoors and she wisely uses some of that time – exploring the “closet.”
Those espousing hateful views towards people – or environmental conservancy – often cite economics + productivity as excuses for exclusionary actions. In fact, hate, exclusion + climate denial are completely – un-productivefor society + for the planet.
It’s pure economics if one needs that sort of excuse. Discriminatory, hateful, wasteful energy create nothing except toxins + problems .
We already have a surplus of those.
This planet needs solutions that heal our problems. More than ever I believe education + quality communication skills are the universal “solvent” whereby wecan dissolve + detoxify globalcultures from such maladies.
– surviving independently, indigenous + sustainable – like an endangered species ( along with all other endangered species wildlife, Sea-Life, and the working class / middle class in every economy ) – on gasps of oxygen –
we are hand-made – on sustainable half-a- shoestring budgets – I’m hoping that the Academy considers my written request to create a new category for this budget level –
hand-made by an artist – with a crew of fellow artists + craftspersons (not a corporation) positing this idea :
Just after graduating at an impossibly early age, having been skipped several grades, earned scholarships to pay my own tuition- with a Master’sDegree but no high school diploma – i stepped out into the “real world” only to discover that the “ISMs” I had believed to be “anachronISMs” – from history books – racism, sexism, homophobia , climate denial – the “male gaze” – the “white gaze ” + other “gazes” – were still alive and finding their way back , insidiously, into our world consciousness, our current histories + HERstories.
The HERstory that we are living now – became a source of great worry to me. I had survived an abusive childhood + I know abuse when I see it.
Abuse of Power exhibited all the tell-tale signatures of Domestic Abuse, Child-Abuse — AND – Environmental Abuse — on a larger scale. The ‘family’ is ‘humanity’and as my family of origin was never a safe place to be — I had already adopted “Humanity” as the family with whom I “belong.”
As a person born of vastly varied, multi-cultural heritages – I could see early on – that “tribalism” was a way to keep walls between people. Which is why I was a “global citizen” before that became a hashtag.
‘Born on the water,’ I’ve always felt – my “true heritage” – is water.
The two debating characters in my movie – “eVe” and “Doctor Goddard – are never – in the same room.
They are separated by “walls” – through which they “debate” – but their ultimate “union” is a form of “healing” … a little miracle.
SurFShackLoft™h20
Large Partof the purpose forthose Project – was my dedication to Sustainability + Green Practices.
My alarm at what’s happening to our planet – especiallyto our waters, ocean life, wildlife –all of which endanger human life + civilization, led me to take my own tiny climate- actionsvery early on.
In high school – I had designed a “SurFShackLoft™feMt0™studi0™h20 “ to be handbuilt very frugally – from biodegradable + upcycled materials.
Miraculously, this loft was built very economically – butequallyimportant – was combining that Sustainability Ethos – with my aesthetics + methodologies developed from early background in dance+theater – to create my signature style along with SustainableFilmSets™.
An added touch of sweetness came when i had asked my local farmers to donate lemons, avocados, kale and flowers, along with other produce – to the creation of our GardenOfeVe™ film set — and they were THRILLED to do so.
As I planned for the movie, I realized that while I don’t consider myself a “designer” – my script – born from story + music (the lyrics are written into my scripts) — but also from methodology + aesthetics, had already designed both sets + costumes.
I hadn’t intended to do this. It just created itself.
We built an “indoor garden” that looked as though a proverbial metaphorical “eVe” embodied by a contemporary – “surfer-chick-student-burlesque-dancer eVe” – had left somewhere in a hurry + quickly planted her own indoor ” victory garden” – out of survival.
This wasn’t fully autobiographical but it metaphorically mirrored my childhood.
Hard as it was to convey – not wanting to sound grandiose – I just knew in the heart of that little girl who survived with the aid of her dedication toward the arts + teachers encouraging her talent – that little girl (me) – her eyes – were witnessing – what ‘eVe’ in my movie refers to – as ‘an ancient grief’ – her precious ‘global family’ – was falling victim to ancient abuse.
In addition to a ” Coming Out ” this movie, this music is intended as a “Coming In From The Cold.”
All through the making of this project, I found myself fighting to save my studio and home in Venice Beach from the severe gentrification and homelessness growing all around me.
It was a familiar fight – against an unjust encroachment from abuse of power. Many times I found myself staying up all night figuring out legal documents, in order to fight back against Trump-style developers – while during the day – working to keep the project going.
A familiar struggle, reminiscent of a childhood framed with terror but propelled by hope and love. A childhood and adult-hood experienced by many less fortunate than myself.
Love.
It can heal everything.
I learned that early in life.
It’s odd, like me, earning a Masters’ degree (NYU) with no high-school diploma, having been skipped several grades directly into University. Odd – like me. My fellow students in the Masters’ program were already professors in other countries who had done all they could, to come to America, to study at NYU. I was a kid with no high school diploma – and they were grown-up professors. Odd, like me. I often think about them now, back in their countries and what they must think of America now.
Having survived an abusive childhood – I was dedicated to the arts and grateful for the “shelter” I could find in my deep love / passion for the arts and my teachers, who’d encouraged my work.
Dance was my first love – along with her twin – music. Then I discovered their sisters – theater and cinema. Along with the support of my teachers, these ladies “saved my life.”
Alone with my dreams, walking the pavement of NYC streets, afraid to go home on the subway until
late at night, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of dance classes with Broadway Pros, art house cinema screens, and haunting legacy of timeless masterpieces echoing from the halls of every Manhattan museum and library.
My teachers were angels + allies in my “dreams come true” and thanks to them, and to my love – I won scholarships, was skipped grades and offered a scholarship to NYU where I earned my Masters’ Degree at a very young age.
One of my report cards described me as a “runaway imagination” and of course, I imagined my imagination running away and I myself became a “runaway with a scholarship.”
I caught a wave + scraped together my “half a shoestring” budget, built my tiny “green” grassroots, up-cycled, recycled, mostly “off the grid” floating film + music Tiny SurfLoft On The Water in Venice Beach, hand-picked my team + went to work !
I had saved up lemonade-stand, babysitting, yoga teacher + acting gig earnings and my hand-built studio and methodologies as a matter of following a course I had set, upon navigating my way from graduating with a Master’s Degree at an impossibly young age. There was a virtual drummer playing an indigenous soundtrack to my life and — I was listening and following the steps. The ocean was an important core for me and I had dedicated my artistry toward creating my own style of “AquaCulture.“
“HandMade 2 Make A Difference with ToyBoxTechnology ™ ”
Riding the subways alone at too young an age, doing all I could not to go home – I found myself “living at” all my dance classes in private studios on additional dance scholarships, then “living at” the museums and libraries of NYC – kept me busy, along with part-time babysitting and other jobs to pay for anythingscholarships didn’t cover.
So … I just … – never had time – to explore / learn about my own sexuality.
By the time I did learn about it – I was married to my much older male partner, and then BOOM – one day – I FELL — in love with a girl.
It felt CRAZY –
But it was also – BEYOND GREAT !
The LOVE I had for dance, and the arts – had now come full circle into bloom.
I was blooming.
My amazing male partner – reflected this too. He said – you are more YOU now.
I had a lot of figuring out to do.
First — I had to figure out – WHY – did I feel as though I was SUPPOSED to be upset?
I DID agonize about –
feel GUILTY about it —
but I HAD to ask – WHY?
That’s when it came to me – the title of one of the soundtrack songs + a work of art I released with the project :
“We Don’t Fall in Love, We Rise ™”
Little did I know how many times I would repeat that to myself + others.
We had a lot of figuring out to do. Luckily – I was and am still – married to an amazing human being.
Well, of course – I was growing up – growing into Me.
Along with this personal growth, came my awareness of what was happening in the 21st Century world at large.
My personal anguish into ecstasy and my growing deep concerns for the future of Humanity / Mother Earth as an “Endangered Species” became so agonizing – that my only way to deal with anxieties about what I saw happening to this planet in the 21st Century while I was literally “blooming” personally – was to speak up and speak out – doing what I do best.
Suddenly I KNEW that there were people who were experiencing the same “awakenings” about their sexuality but who were living in repressive cultures – and I wanted to reach out to them – to hear THEIR stories – and tell them it would be ok – share my experiences with them – when I first began visualizing this project in 2010.
So many of my posts regarding this project were aimed at persons who lived in other ( more repressive ) cultures and dictatorships.
And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.
Here – we – are.
2019.
A ” Coming Out ” and a “Coming In From The Cold.”
I hoped to release a “healing balm” for the “global family” – at the intersections of LGBTQIA communities and my growing concerns for inter-related social justice crises such as – reproductive rights / women’s rights, violence against LGBTQ and female communities, Indigenous People’s and Black Lives Matter and Climate Change / endangered species.
As intended – this movie, soundtrack and everything my feMt0™studi0 has been working on since inception in 2012 has already reached selected but passionate audiences from Los Angeles to Lagos, Uganda to Agra, Mali, to Manhattan —
My wish after graduating – was to create an international – inter-disciplinary – multi-gender – mixed orientation team – in order to reach domestic + global audiences, without the “Over-Lords” of corporate media, stifling the creativity my teachers had encouraged in me.
Much to my surprise – I got a bit of that wish with the limited releases of this project and my first Youtube music video “Election Train” leading up to the movie. I had taken some time from the creation of the movie – to make the music video in order to support Obama’s re-election.
I am REALLY WISHING that with an acknowledgement from YOU — that this project can TRAVEL FARTHER – and reach MANY MORE people who might be comforted by it’s message of acceptance and LOVE IS LOVE – along with being entertained by the work itself.
Creating high quality cinema and music – was of utmost importance along with the “message” of the story. Excellence and Craft is a must.
Lovers of Movies + Music as well as – Free-speech a Free-Press, Journalism + uh – Basic Freedoms of Democracy might do the Culture + the Planet ( ourselves ) a favor – if we simply support an authentic indie artisanal “maker” like myself and my team.
I’m not against big budget films – I often love them!
And – I’d like to find more opportunities to work in them as an actress – because the current system is one big roadblock.
Often , I liken my signature artisan-made process to “farm to table” + “Aquaculture.”
There’s a scene in Billy Wilder’s movie “Sabrina” where Audrey Hepburn as Sabrina , having been to the Sorbonne – is able to cobble together a feast – from just a few eggs + crackers + milk … – THAT’S my aesthetics …
Yes I’m mixing metaphors when I say I’m allowing the “AquaCulturalZ™ Oyster-Pearls to “vine-ripen” + then when we release a project – I aim to “nourish” through “pictures words music in motion ™” encouraging Audiences to :
Every day at my ocean studio – I send out RIPPLES on the water – wishing for love and peace in the world …
My most effective “Ripple” is this move, this album … –
I hope that your acknowledgement — will help this Ripple travel much farther than I can get it to go on my own …
It’s funny how sometimes we have to do what GingerRogers described along the lines of “dancing Backwards In High Heels ” – in order to move forward one step.
” and though she be but little, she is fierce ” – (Shakespeare )
this quote is invoked in one of my favorite true-life stories about the great ” seabiscuit ” – a story warming my heart from the very beginning of this journey with my own movie – Tiny Budgets + tiny teams – uphill climbs – hopes + dreams –
‘ She KNOWS she’s the Dark Horse here – but darkness she doesn’t fear
My process is based on my methodologies in my book ‘The Declaration Of IndiePenDance™’ where I explore my film-making+music-making approach – I call it c.lili™ ‘s CynAesthetiX™ and it includes a variety of innovations in cinematic+music aesthetics.
As a young actress who’s taken the time to respect the history / HERstory of my craft – from the craftspersons’ perspective – I know that ‘innovation’ rests upon the past + is a bridge to the future.
With My Sisters – For My Sisters : in my recent writings and explorations about feminism — I am finding it crucial for us to find out – not so much why men hurt women – but instead, why some women – hurt women –
including the fact that often, we women, hurt ourselves, it’s a vicious cycle – and by hurting our sisters, we are expressing our self hatred …
I explored this – but it was not until VERY recently that I fully understood the depth of how these incidents shape us from childhood, into our teenage years, school experiences and then –
importantly, as we enter the professional world and encounter the competitive forces from our sisters, which often lead women to do unspeakable things – things they write about and rail against as #feminists – but which they do to each other, sometimes unconsciously …
As we know, our work as feminists – and feminism can be fragile, as the world is often cruel to women who speak out, we often need each other — a form of Stockholm-Syndrome style bond out of necessity … so now the “famous feminists” can become the new bullies, having internalized the misogyny — perpetuating the predatory abuse of power — which is why I don’t often avail myself of friendships that are based in “need” or which arise out of hardships like global misogyny …
But there is a bond among us sisters and I always hold a wishful hope that women / girls I encounter will understand the need for true friendship, genuine caring, listening to each other — behaving towards our sisters in ways we wish to be treated … Unfortunately though, I’m going to say it here, and elsewhere – we often miss that mark.
I’m sorry to have to say it, sorrier to have experienced it, but damnit – we need to do better with each other. “Mean Girl Culture Cool” is often invoked when women / girls are acting all “empowered” – but of course that’s just stupid and self-defeating. We must do better.
Sisters – we really must. I offer the project below – which is the first in a trilogy on the subject. This project was a gift I made with my sisters, for my sisters all over the world. We might have been the first AllFemaleCrew as a production team – but we were certainly among the very first ever and I am certain we were a catalyst.
The Project is not easy to pigeonhole – and that’s true to form. I never wanted to make a movie I’ve already seen anywhere else.
One could describe this movie as :
A meditation on ‘male-gaze’ – ‘white-gaze’ – ‘mens-wear’ + other ‘ISMs’….
I offer it up and hope it reaches both Sisters and Brothers too –
Together – we really must GirlTheWorld™ – this is why I made this project – I believe this is how “we shall over-come” our challenges – the ISMS – racism, sexism, homophobia and including climate denial.
” The working class artist is ‘canary in the coal mine’ of culture.
She represents the free-spirit in everyone.
Today’s increasingly authoritarian, indentured servitude economies where even ‘the arts’ enable 1-Percenters in earning obscene profits, leaving working class artists out in the cold of newly de-professionalized systems with shredded standards, was preceded by the gutting of the indie artist.
My work seeks to nourish + strengthen our ‘cultural immune system’ against threats to democracy + freedom.
However – it’s up to each and every one of us – to “vote for ourselves” in all of this.
The parallels with actual “voting” for public service – are quite palpable. Each vote for a public servant, is a vote for or against ourselves.
It’s up to us – to choose humanity. To Choose to support artists, instead of corporations posing as such.
Going forward, I believe, we will all find out, that the shortest distance between the artist + her audience, will save mother earth, because the artist holds together the fabrics of culture, society, humanity + civilization.
“Imagine being a poor kid who’s core joy in life, is the creation of something beautiful and then finding out that the rich kids can show up to steal your creations and claim them as their own ? “
Before the Covid-19 pandemic I wrote much of the text-collage below as a “compilation” of excerpts from my writings.
Upon re-reading it – I am viscerally struck by many eerily prescient statements, including my mention of the “cultural immune system” – which is not an unusual reference for me, but it’s got special resonance now.
Imagine – being a poor kid who’s core joy in life, is the creation of something beautiful and then finding out that the rich kids can show up to steal your creations and claim them as their own ?
I’m a numbers challenged poor-kid artist who worked to get an “A” in my College Economy class, yet – never expected ‘economics’ would become so key to the art and sustainable humanities – work I was born to do.
Now, it seems almost fitting that “economics” in the context of art-making should become a focus. True artists are ‘not in it for the money,’ we are driven by an other-worldly ‘calling’ yet we DO have to survive + we do face commercial and other ” vampires.” So much ego, jealousy and competition obstructs the work, especially in the era of “corporate art” and also – “amateur art” – in which “everybody is a celebrity and therefore nobody is authentic.” Time and focus become even more precious and reaching the audience, becomes more challenging in the context of so many distractions.
I want to make clear that I’m not just slamming big budget productions or corporations — they employ many people and are a very important part of the “economic landscape” – the “economic eco-system.”
But like all eco-systems – balance is key.
Just as the “big fish” get to swim big in the big ocean … – so too, must my tiny productions be nurtured, supported by the industry, the economy ( the big ocean ) and diverse audiences, just as my work as an artist – should be nurtured by elders, producers, directors, fellow artists through quality acting jobs in the larger economic arena – without being mutually exclusive, or – damn near impossible without “the right connections.”
Where we have arrived in the current imbalance of the economic eco-system of the entertainment industry – is, like the imbalances leading to climate-crisis, endanger species – so too, does the imbalance in our industry ( and I dare-say many other big money driven industries ) threaten the artist as an endangered species.
Things don’t have to stay the same.
There are ironies evident during the current pandemic. One of the ironies we recently noticed, involves several entertainment venues that were cold, indifferent, callous, arrogant – and even cruel – to young artists like myself, just starting out with fresh projects – who are now actually begging US to write to OUR government representatives – asking US to ask that OUR tax-dollars go toward bailing THEM out!
Some of these venues – even go so far as to “pose” as “mom and pop” operations, which for me is a huge irony as I have been advocating the return of the “mom and pop ” economy with my “MomNPopUpShopZ™ ” moniker but I CERTAINLY would not call these “outfits” anywhere NEAR the kind of “AuthenticIndie™” that takes place at my studio.
Really now, the height of hypocrisy – to write to artists whose dreams you tried to crush – asking for a bailout ?
But that’s actually the environment our culture has enabled, via the “Gentrified Economy ” we’ve been enduring – that led to the literal “gentrification” of our very “culture” – which in its purest form is the physical expression, embodiment of the “soul” of the people.
Like those who “vote against themselves” by voting for politicians that work for the 1% richest echelon of their district, while getting the 99% to believe they deserve poverty – there has been an apathetic acceptance by too many of us – that those who literally absconded with our resources are somehow “endowed” with forms of “entitlement” based upon the size of their bank accounts – even if those numbers were not quite ethically attained.
It’s a “Stockholm Syndrome” of some sort.
If we don’t free ourselves from this unhealthy cycle, we will continue to enable the very abuses of power that got us here in the first place – massive inequality with the 1 Percenters getting bailed out even as they continue to suck every ounce of resources from the rest of us.
Witness the Covid-19 Circumstances : most renters are not able to leave the house to work … and yet … many of the larger landlords just got bailed out in various ways … but the renters STILL OWE THE RENT.
How does that make sense ?
It just doesn’t.
I believe the “economic eco-system” in the “arts and culture” professions, too often intertwined in a symbiotic fashion with what’s known as “the entertainment industry” – which dangerously includes ” news ” now … – CAN be nurtured back to health – if we can find enough consensus among the wide range of artists from the fat-cats – to the tiny fish like me.
I DO believe that if high paid stars – now including the “star news anchors” – and “star pundits” – could someday consider what I am proposing – we could create a far more humane – healthy – AND ethically lucrative industry.
For one thing, true actors, musicians, artists and technicians alike – could communicate directly with potential future collaborators – directors / producers etc … – without the excruciating and humiliating obstructions currently in place. There could be some continuity such as that which I describe in my “HighSchoolMeetsOldSchool™” concept – where people at every stage of their careers and lives – move forward without being tossed into the trash. If we continue to support “disposable culture” – we will continue to be treated as “disposable people.”
It’s literally an insane system right now – the height of gentrification – and unapologetically so – with pecking orders reminiscent of high-school cliques that never had to grow up because they were enabled into becoming their own industry clique.
We are supposed to just “accept” the hierarchy – people whose films or music are just – not that great, didn’t even earn much at the box office – but were “in the club” so they were therefore – “better” than actual working class artists putting out quality projects … ? People were silent – nobody could speak out in this environment or – that age-old threat : “you’ll never work in this town again became a reality.”
How SICK is that ? Very. It’s literally, a virus – one that reflects the larger gentrified economy but is magnified by its rare surroundings.
Covid-19 is exposing all kinds of realities.
‘Why is backing my working-class-artist – work – a worthy / valuable investment ?’
That’s the question I posited for one of my upcoming books.
It was also supposed to be included in IndieGoGo / Patreon campaigns, but we found platforms like those, to be somewhat antithetical to the main purpose of this essay and the undertaking as a whole. I hope as you read on, you might see why.
Having said that – we need and appreciate your support.
We are expressing this outside of forums such as “IndieGoGo” ” GoFundMe” or “Patreon” for a variety of reasons, including those mentioned, but also because this work is done on a professional basis – and it is only by virtue of an “illness” in the industry – that we are forced to communicate outside the norms of the industry – directly to you – our partner in the sharing of culture AND in what I am outlining as a future for an ” INTEGRATED” and “INTERDEPENDENT” awareness for culture and economy.
Like athletes, we train – and train – and train – and we get injured, take losses, have to recover – and there are a billion different adjustments and daily practices that must take place before a performance of excellence is accomplished.
Also like athletes, we inspire and uplift.
But there is an added – urgency – to supporting work like mine. My films, music and writings, have not blithely worn blinders in the name of “entertainment” at the expense of culture. My work takes responsibility for recognizing – that what we release into the “bloodstream” of our culture, our society, the minds of our sisters and brothers – will impact our globe and precious wildlife. sealife – the very water and air – in some small or large way.
We haven’t taken the easy route, just napping our way into the public arena to collect profits and ego strokes.
We care.
I care.
I REALLY care, sometimes to the detriment of my own peace of mind and wellness. But I work on that too – and I also have a wellness project in the works that I look forward to sharing with you.
I guess what I am saying is – while I don’t believe in “tribalism” ( see my professional bio ) I DO believe in the power of our collective “global village.” That’s who I am working for – that’s “my tribe” – US.
Below are excerpts from my ‘meditations,’ stream of consciousness attempts at a response :
The artist is ‘canary in the coal mine’ of culture. She represents the free-spirit in everyone. Today’s increasingly authoritarian, indentured servitude economies where even ‘the arts’ enable 1-Percenters in earning obscene profits, leaving working class artists out in the cold of newly de-professionalized systems with shredded standards, was preceded by the gutting of the indie artist. My work seeks to nourish + strengthen our ‘cultural immune system’ against threats to democracy + freedom.
Going forward, I believe, we will all find out, that the shortest distance between the artist + her audience, will save mother earth, because the artist holds together the fabrics of culture, society, humanity + civilization.
My concerns for global culture were quite intense before this pandemic … but of course, like everything else – we are at full throttle now – high gear – but hopefully, not so high that we “throttle” ourselves :
” I am experiencing the 21st Century – intensely –
While daunting, sometimes harrowing, always challenging – I believe – it’s an opportunity for us to : “Make Up A Better World.”
I’m an actress/director + singer/songwriter so I work with “ stories,” employing design, rhythm and shape as building blocks.
The expression “making up a better world” unfolds into a multitude of meanings. “Making Up” can mean – hand-made – fabricating stories as I do at my green sustainable studio, it can mean wearing literal “make-up” and – it can also mean – resolving an argument … “mending a tear in the fibers of a culture.” That’s what I aim to do with my projects – to nourish and “mend” as I contribute to the “woven” fabric of a culture showing some “wear and tear.”
As an authentically independent : “TruliIndie™” artist, I’ve come to realize that maintaining an authentically “indie” status holds the same challenges that we as “individuals” face in an increasingly “corporate” world dominated by a “ Cultural Industrial Complex.” That’s a phrase I’m paraphrasing from the well-known expression “ Military Industrial Complex “ – illustrating how the same form of “corporate takeover” can be applied to culture. That’s dangerous and it renders the “Indie Artist” working outside of Corporate Media – and “Endangered Species.” It now occurs to me, that there is also a “Medical Industrial Complex” – that does not put patient safety above public relations or profits.
But here’s the thing – the reason I think you might consider caring about my work : Just as the non-corporate tethered artist “works without a net” – going forward into the 21st Century : every free-thinking individual – daring to decline, oppose, disagree with, not become dependent upon a corporate entity – they too will increasingly become an “Endangered Species.”
The fallacy in assuming that only one group gets targeted by corporate domination – becomes evident daily as authoritarianism rises parallel with increasing reliance on Artificial Intelligence and continued indifference towards sustainable technologies to save our planet as “new planets” are sought for “expansion” of an old patriarchal model that is damn near destroying our “mother earth.” ( Re-reading this after covid-19 is shocking – because surely our economy will lean more toward AI as “non-contact” business seems to be a trend.)
My view is – just as we find ourselves at a time of great opportunity to reverse and amend the harmful advance of “climate change” – we also live in a time of great opportunity to assert the freedoms taken for granted by so many, who enjoy the democracy died for by so many and – to this day – longed for – by so many more. A culture’s freedoms – the freedoms for everybody – are measured, expressed ( or suppressed ) in their purest form, upon examination of the “health” of it’s arts and independent artists.
I’m going to repeat opening statements as they are beginning to feel like necessary “mantras” :
“Imagine being a poor kid who’s core joy in life, is the creation of something beautiful and then finding out that the rich kids can show up to steal your creations and claim them as their own ?
The artist is ‘canary in the coal mine’ of culture.
She represents the free-spirit in everyone.
Today’s increasingly authoritarian, indentured servitude economies where even ‘the arts’ enable 1-Percenters in earning obscene profits, leaving working class artists out in the cold of newly de-professionalized systems with shredded standards, was preceded by the gutting of the indie artist.
My work seeks to nourish + strengthen our ‘cultural immune system’ against threats to democracy + freedom.”
With your support, I can continue to prove that my Authentically Indie Movies, Albums and Books from my green, sustainable, non-corporate, studio – can remain “organic,” sustainable AND authentically free from corporate-speak, corporate-culture, corporate-cultural propaganda which so often include age-old biases such as misogyny, racism, homophobia and climate/nature denial.
If only the 1 Percent among us – make movies, write books and music that ever get “distributed” to the nation and the world … then – our very thoughts, dreams, hopes, wishes – our very brains become shaped forever by that group’s agenda.
We literally become ( or continue to be ) “indentured servants” of the 1 Percenter class in a profound way : our very imaginations, our language, the rhythm of our hearts beat – to the beat – of the drum, paid for by those who can afford to make the commercials and publish the glossy photos in Vogue, Teen Vogue, Esquire, The New York Times etc …
By some form of “Economic Eugenics” paid for by – we – ourselves, we will be contributing to the “natural selection “ of any truly quality ideas – literally stolen from ourselves – from Twitter, Pinterest and other mediums that working class artists and thinkers can afford to use to express ourselves, which are “spied upon” by the “interns” or publicists hired by the wealthy – who then appropriate those ideas into their mega-rich megaphones – claiming the genius as their own, even as the geniuses are left to die penniless, as they have often done throughout history.
If we continue to support / consume mostly corporate-media born from money worship, there will continue to be only two classes of artist – the Uber rich and the Uber poor and it will continue to spread to other fields of study, other corners of civilization.
But if we shift our economic values, make a concentrated, conscious effort to avoid “consuming” corporate media and an effort to “consume” more “ArtisanMadeMedia™ + Arts like mine – on a personal basis, supporting arts that are created by an individual artist in need of our support – and if we all – support EACH OTHER’S SMALL BUSINESSES – in a sort of “revival” of the “mom and pop“ businesses – what I call “Mom N’ Pop-Up ShopZ™ Economy” – then we can create a healthier “economic environment” – in the same way we can save our own “environment” from the harmful effects of consuming all the oil, gas and other products upon which the 1 percent grow fat – as the planet grows sick.
ReadTheIndieLabel™ WhatsInYourIndie™ :
Not all indies are created equal.
Many movies, albums, other projects and products have long ago appropriated the word “ Indie “ because it’s “cool.”
But often these are big budget, corporate – backed – deals.
That’s part of “what happened” to movies and music – they became all about the deals, not the movies, not the music, not the artists, or the audiences. They became about – the money – but those deals wanted it both ways. They wanted to appear “indie” – while still raking in obscene profits. There’s a reason these entities wanted to study our “tastes” a an audience via big tech.
Recently studios have cultivated a hobby – they slander American actors, claiming we don’t have the “skills” or discipline of actors from other countries.
Now – please know, I am in love with so many cultures. I am not speaking from some xenophobic point of view. I LOVE actors from all cultures. It’s the goddamn slander from studios that I am taking exception to.
If you’ll notice there are quite a few actors from other countries playing Americans. That might be fine, but I can assure you this has nothing to do with our skills or discipline. American actors are, becoming an endangered species. Why ? Money. Power. Money. This is the “money-ball” of movies and music.
Excerpt from Cali Lili’s opening statement in 2013 :
If we continue to support “Disposable Culture” then we will continue to be treated by our politicians and legislators like “Disposable Humans.”
I’m really worried about this and I have been, ever since I considered law as a career. I decided that I could do more for the “global village” with my work as an artist and culture- “maker.”
I am “weaving” and “simmering” what I hope, could be “cures” to some of our ills – with my secret-sauces, based in love, kindness and respect.
I believe in making projects that help us “preserve” our “innocence” as though we are living in the “Summer” of our humanity’s harvest and we must make sure that every flavor is preserved in both seed form and in a cultural – “jar of preserves” – for the Winter. That Cultural Winter seems colder during Climate Change. ( Re-Reading this, post Covid 19 – is chilling ).
In 2012 when we first announced and advertised / listed the hiring of diverse inclusive team members on Craigs’ List – we saw many hate-filled, vicious, comments from racists, misogynists and homophobes who detested the fact that we asked for more “women, persons of color, LGBTQ community members to apply for the team positions.”
It was a shocking introduction into the kinds of cruelty we witness today.
It is with great pride, that we have released a project intended to heal, mend, balm and inspire us – in spite of such unkindness in the world.
We work – with my methodology, stemming from a lifestyle philosophy rooted in yoga, zen and dance – which flows not only into my works of film, music, poetry but into the “works,” the workings – the “how” we can support each other instead of corporations.
Mind you, I don’t hate corporations, if they are pro-human. Humanity First.
This methodology born from experience is always on our minds and in our hearts. I hire teams of high quality crafts-persons, technicians and artisans to make each of these projects as a collectors’ item, not disposable fast-culture nor the plasticized packaging of a meme.
There is pain that accompanies the basic needs of an artist.
These are agonies most people aren’t aware of because most of our references, when we hear the word “artist” – is the slanderous examples of either the “crazy rich” or the “just plain crazy.”
In fact the life of an artist is both for more amazing and far more mundane than we might imagine – but still requires every ounce of dedication.
It’s not just a job, it’s a “calling” and that sounds romantic but truth be told – not everybody would even want to be “called” because it can be exhausting and it’s not really a choice.
If one is born this way – one must create.
But : “ imagine being a poor kid who’s core joy in life, is the creation of something beautiful and then finding out that the rich kids can show up to steal your creations and claim them as their own ? “
Media, tv, movies, social media are today’s public square, playground, and printing press.
They do “inform” us – but they also “shape” us.
Since there are no “ingredients labels” on the media we consume, we are literally “consuming” ideas, biases, and content ( which may be stolen from artists ) at our own risk, at the risk of the very fabric of our culture and civilization.
If we aren’t able to “sample” the more “whole foods,” artisanal, farm-to-table, versions of media, such as that which I make at my studio and which receive contributions from people like my local farmers, who contributed produce to my film set, then – we are abdicating our “food-for-thought-sourcing” and just “trusting” that “big media” knows what we should “consume.”
Every radio station, tv channel, including much of the “on demand” and streaming now – are backed by the very same big media who controlled three networks in years gone by. Same old same old.
If we don’t broaden our own “tastes” in arts and culture, as we did with “foodie” culture – where we discovered “sourdough” bread and artisanal cheeses, heirloom veggies and – VITAMINS … – we will be depriving our emotional, intellectual, spiritual and even physical well-being – of wellness opportunities as a culture.
We might be depriving ourselves of the innate “healing capacity” of our “Cultural Immune System” – the capacity to come together as a “Global Village” and solve problems like economic inequality, gun violence, health care, education, and environmental injustice / climate change.
If we deprive ourselves of our innate healing capacity to “think for our-selves” as individuals free from the shackles of corporate-think often laden with internalized bias, misogyny, racism, homophobia and science-denial – then we will have abdicated control over the “levers” of our minds, the minds of our children, the minds of future “leaders.”
Inevitably this abdication of “free will” – shapes, defines and controls Culture, collective and individual fears and hopes – channels our education – which in turn shapes future policies, laws – medicine – health , housing , food safety, personal safety … ( again, I’m re-reading this … in post-Covid-19 times – I’m quite amazed this was written before Covid)
We don’t have an ingredients label on our media – by that, I’m not referring to the ratings / reviews of content determined by the “Corporate cultural industrial complex” policing itself. What I mean by “ingredients list” is – asking questions with our newly found critical thinking / think-for-myself skills – asking questions like : “ who made it, how was it made, when I stream this movie / music am I supporting an indie artist not signed by a corporate fat-cat-copy-cat ? “
When my movie was complete, we sought to find “distribution” with a movie distributor known for “indie films.” We realized – after reading their policy which stated in public “ if we haven’t worked with you before, we won’t work with you now” – that every movie they distributed was “packaged” by one of the 1Percenter largest “Agencies” who cast only their own “1Percenters” and – in some cases, the Agencies were co-producing the movies with the 1Percenter studios / mini-majors.
Money Money Money.
SO MANY great actors, artists – were cast aside by such policies. If you are a cinephile, you know how many brilliant directors, actors, singers – artists were cast aside by those who bought the power to – “greenlight” or stop projects that might have employed some of the greatest artists.
I make ArtisanMadeMedia™ – just like home-made cookies fresh from the oven or organic fresh-picked vine-ripened fruit – my projects are “Organic” – we are not infused with a list of chemical ingredients one might find in a “store-bought” cookie – or chemical-sprayed Agribusiness GMO franken-fruit.
Here is one example : for actors, the “Breakdowns” mean everything.
In fact, the “Breakdowns” might actually represent the “breakdown” of actors’ abilities to seek quality, paying acting work without a high profile agency — and there-fore — they might represent – how the entertainment industry destroyed the American Actor. The “Breakdowns” is a list of all the acting jobs available at any given time — paying projects, projects that represent the highest possible goals a working actor might attempt to achieve on any given day.
But most actors – cannot see them.
They are ONLY provided to agents.
How do you get an agent ? Get work that shows you are good at what you do.
How do you get work as an actor ? Get an agent – with access to the “Breakdowns.”
It’s an insane Catch 22
. Is it legal ? Who knows. Who asks ?
If you ask – will you be barred from “ working in this town “ ?
Who knows. Who asks ?
Seriously ?
Is THIS how we are going to continue to allow our “cultural story” to be written ? Are we going to continue to allow this culture to be run via insider trading and cliques ? Will we allow ourselves to stay in high school forever ?
At what point – do “We The Creators” and “We The Audience” — collectively “ We The Global Village “ — get to communicate directly with each other — without the “middle-men” and “middle-women” — the gate-keepers — running interference ? At what point – do we simply : connect ?
I’d like that point to be – RIGHT NOW — and I invite you to please, join me and my team.
I’m a poet, so I appreciate complexity of emotion contained within the boundaries of simple structure.
Campaigns and business don’t always capture an “poetic essence” for any given venture.
But I’m going to try … because poetry is at the core of everything I do.
I hope the information included, provides some insight about me … –
But, I want to cut to the chase, before I include more links …
Enough about me, let’s talk about you.
I need your help.
Ever since I began my project, I knocked on the doors of 1 % ers in Hollywood – seeking support for the kinds of innovation I wanted to deliver to a Hollywood dinosaur environment that was weighed down by years of misogyny, sexism and many other ” isms ” – especially the “isms” that deal with cold-hard-cash.
After throwing myself wholeheartedly and quite humbly on the “mercy” of the establishment, I realized ( and was warned by some of the good guys ) that there my types of innovation were not wanted by a status quo environment working hard at keeping the profits steadily rolling in to the same people in power.
Aside from raising the money to make my movie and album – I needed to secure distribution – in order to create awareness of the project.
This was crucial, because this film and album were especially focused on helping those “coming out” in the global LGBTQ community – and offering emotional support, solace, sister-hood in the Womens’ Rights, Human Rights, Interracial Love and Climate Change / Ocean Conservancy communities world-wide –
I see now that I was a bit naive – distribution is THE HARDEST part of movie-making now that almost anybody can make a movie. I was outlining my work as combining what I call “ToyBoxTech™” with very highly skilled, high quality projects – so my work falls into a unique category.
We weren’t “high finance” enough for the big distributions – but we were not amateurs, we are pros – so there was no thought of simply dumping the project onto YouTube for free – that wasn’t the point.
The idea was to be TruliIndie™ without corporate over-lords.
The idea was about the “working class” in the entertainment world speaking to the “working class” in the audience’s world. After all – we really ARE experiencing the world together.
We don’t live in mansions, but we are hollywood professionals.
As I blogged during the making of this project, I realized that the TruliIndie™ artist / artisan ( especially in the entertainment world) was, like much of our wildlife, and like the independent thinker – an “Endangered Species.”
I refused to give up on my TinyMultiMedia™ and I forged ahead with making them as AquaCultureZ™ : like pearls, they would be formed slowly with tender loving care, as though they were grown in a ” pearl farm .”
Flash Forward :
The movie and album are complete, the graphic novel is on the way, and the next album and movie are in pre-production !
This first of many “FarmToTableFables™” was made with up-cycled wardrobe and film sets – in fact, several farmers, including female farmers from the farmers market, contributed produce and flowers for the film’s “Garden Of eVe ™ ” set dressing along with crew lunches !
So why am I bothering you with all this ?
Now that I made an authentically indie feature motion picture completely OUTSIDE ” the system ” – along with the Soundtrack / Debut Album – also as a rebel / renegade indie artist –
Now that we did get a tiny theatrical release in Downtown Los Angeles at the Downtown Independent Cinema
Now that the movie can be seen on Apple TV / iTunes, Google Play, and Vimeo World-Wide … and the Album / Soundtrack can be heard on Apple / iTunes and EVERYWHERE ELSE music is streamed / downloaded –
and now that our baby steps have somehow brought this little girl into the arena as an Oscars 2020 Contender – “though she may be little, she is fierce” – running with the Goliaths –
We need YOU
and YOU
and YOU –
and YOU TOO PLEASE …
How can you support us without us submitting to a somewhat “corporate” model at IndieGoGo and Patreon ?
Here’s How :
In addition to adding my album/soundtrack and singles – to all your playlists, whether it be Apple or Spotify, YouTube or GooglePlay, Boomplay – Everywhere music streams –
After viewing and listening, please consider leaving us positive ratings / reviews – this is not only a supportive action toward our NEXT movie and album – it’s ALSO a push-back against sexist, homophobic, racist and climate-denying trolls who go out of their way to leave negative comments.
The Bandcamp page is where you can “pay more” for each track available there ( we are adding more tracks there ! my schedule was full before Covid-19 and – it’s been overwhelming, as you already know from your own life ) –
The “tips” added at Bandcamp go directly to my studio and – they go toward my next social justice / environmental justice themed projects – all of which lean towards women’s rights, lgbtq rights, black lives matter, and – ocean conservancy / sea-life.
Those “tips” are the very same one might add toward any service for a job well done – but they are also “wrighting a wrong” done to artists by a culture that favors “corporate art” over the same kind of art one might find in a painters’ private studio.
SEE the movie – if you enjoy it – please leave a heart-felt and descriptive positive review – then share it with ten or more people
HEAR the Soundtrack / Album – if you enjoyed it – please add to your playlists everywhere – leave a positive descriptive review – share it with ten or more –
We Need YOU –
to Help Us Get this project out there – to DISTRIBUTE IT – without those power broker distributors who literally boast about never working with anybody not recommended by cronies –
Aside from aspiring to entertain and inspire with this piece – my aim was to “nourish” – it really was made from the heart – in order to share ideas and solace with those who may need to hear the message of love, acceptance, diversity, inclusivity, interracial unity, kindness, and hope …
Culture should not be “gentrified” – exclusive by the 1 % – or it will turn sour and harm the very people consuming it.
Culture must be made “of the people, by the people, for the people.”
That is what this movie and album are literally “made from.”
If we can get this movie and album OUT THERE with your help :
” For the People” – “distributed” not by means of hollywood dominance but in the same grassroots manner in which it was : “ Hand-Made-To-Make-A-Difference™ “ – by the people – for the people – of the people.
and WE HAVE SWAG !
Band Tees / Movie Tees featuring lyrics from the songs and mottos / themes from the studio are also available in high quality, fairly made ( some are organic ) SWAG !
“I’m still that teenage runaway with a scholarship … I earned a Masters’ Degree from NYU, but no high school diploma … “
It’s true ! I got skipped several grades and – then scholarships, so I found myself as a kid – in Graduate School with fellow “peers” / “students” who were already university professors in other countries, studying at NYU ! Surreal !
I survived an abusive childhood mainly because I ADORE the ARTS … all I ever wanted to do – was create beauty in order to make the world a better place.
My teachers were angels and I am eternally grateful. I am not sure I was quite “conscious” of all the “grade-skipping” … I just knew that I needed to arrive – here and NOW.
I “caught a wave” for Cali – because I figured my name was a good hint and having been born on the water – I needed to be – water. My “temple” is my daily time surfing the Pacific before going to work at my tiny, hand-built, sustainable, biodegradable, green studio.
A note about my studio :
I designed this eco-structure in high-school, never really knowing if it would ever get built. I was lucky to have connected with my partner and long story short – it was built and i was up and running – on my “half a shoestring budget” from my baby-sitting money, yoga-teacher earnings and actress earnings. I found my first few team members, and went to work.
I’m enclosing a bit of my formal professional bio below, since it’s the most comprehensive way I could think of, to introduce myself :
” Actress-Director / Singer-Songwriter Cali Lili skipped several grades (having been tested as reading at college level in grade school) took her first college course in the entire works of Shakespeare, at age 13, never graduated high-school, never even went to a prom, was swooped up, landing at NYU, then completed her Masters’ Degree on full scholarship with awards / stellar reviews for early works.
She made the feature length narrative motion picture with an ALL FEMALE production team.
‘eVe N’god this female is not yet rated ™ ‘ is perhaps, the first ( or one of the first ) production of it’s kind : a theatrical feature length motion picture, in which the technical production roles employed only women during principal photography.
Born of multi-cultural heritage, Cali is keenly aware and concerned with what she sees as a form of “tribalism” too often employed as “nationalism.” Cali writes about these issues and acts accordingly when it comes to her public image.
Cali adores being an actor and takes that craft very seriously, but found herself turning down 3 acting offers, that she felt were disempowering to women especially in the MeToo environment, in order to “turn up” what she calls fempower™ by scraping together “half a shoestring budget” to build her “green” “off-grid,” upcycled “floating” “surfshack” feMt0™ studi0 at the Venice Beach Canals in Los Angeles, California where she makes “Signature” Sustainable, Green Auteur Artisanal Motion Pictures, Albums and Books, “HandMade2MakeADifference™”
Cali’s degree included extensive studies in anthropology as well as performance techniques from all over the globe. She holds an added background of intense New York studies in dance / choreography.
Cali is proud to share her deep connection with “Mother Africa” + “Mother Ocean.” She is greatly inspired by African culture, the cultures of Oceania, and that of her other diverse intercultural studies.
Cali’s films are inclusive of lgbtq characters and the authentic real lives of these characters. She also delves into the reality of “being female” and a “multi-cultural blend” who “appears to be white,” in a biased “MeToo” world.
Cali’s career in movies began as a teenager, flying back and forth from NY to LA, while working as an “au pair.”
As a kid, she “raised herself” in spite of an abusive childhood With legendary ‘Edward G. Robinson (I)’ (qv) as one of the distinguished members of her ancestry, Cali dedicates herself to honoring a tradition of excellence and earning her “place” as an up-and-coming young artist.
She has been granted the rights to the favorite novel of legendary ‘Zane Grey (I)’ (qv) by Grey’s son Loren Grey ( writer and educator) for a film adaptation in which she will co-star.
Zane Grey was a very outspoken novelist – who cared deeply about wildlife and culture. Cali has much in common with Mr. Grey’s concerns for our planet, which is why she is aligned with this project.
Cali works with her proprietary methodologies as described in her book “The Declaration of IndiePenDance”™
In the past, Cali previously worked in a collaboration agreement deal with Academy Award winning Dutch producer, ‘Hans de Weers’ (qv) (Antonia’s Line) which ended when Cali realized it was time to build her own tiny studio, in order to make projects that empower Women, LGBTQIA , Civil Rights and Climate Science communities.
Her wish is to continue sharing her heart with the hearts of the beautiful fans she hears from, daily.
We here at GTA Management, hope you will take some time to support her works.
( GTA Management Biographies )
***
Cali’s band page statement :
“Inventing new worlds with my art, saved my childhood.
Dancin’ pavement on NYC streets, I learned my craft comforted by the shelter of my Pictures, Words Music In Motion™
I’m a Multi-Cultural “Island Child Wild ™ In The City ” so I caught a wave 4 Cali.
My music?
It’s eclectic, island child wild™
@CaliLiliCiti™
SurF Tribe, Indigenous City RockVibe™ VenusBeach™ Cutting Edge Of The Pacific™”
(Note : I’ve edited this excerpt a bit as I think further about the many issues raised in the original letter but no big changes , only expansions on the scope )
Independent Artists are ‘First Responders’ to the Soul of Culture and an Endangered Species “
I raised my hand a lot in grade school. Didn’t always know the answer but so pumped engaging on the questions. One day, I found myself in the hallway with the teacher explaining that my class-mates were bullying me because they were jealous. Jealous? Of me? “WHY would ANYONE be jealous of me?”
Raising my hand was a symptom of raising myself, surviving an abusive home, so my self esteem wasn’t always strong. I guess my hand raised in class was a plea to the multiverse, a signal for some lifeguard somewhere that I wanted to learn. To swim, not drown.
“Never stop raising your hand” my teacher said in a fervent, personal way. Even at that young age I understood someone must have laughed at her, tried to thwart her. She was warning me never to give in to the bullies as I would only betray myself. Her kindness and humanity, her warning about never limiting my own “possibility,” her willingness to be vulnerable yet strong were the underlying lessons.
CUT TO :
A few years later, I’ve been skipped grades and I’m the youngest kid in high school. Now I’m summoned to the principals’ office. Never been in any principals’ office, like, EVER. He’s yelling at me. My offense? I got accepted into early enrollment for University. I’m skipping the last years of high school, the diploma and the prom because University is offering me full scholarship. This principal guy is yelling at me because his school is “losing money” due to my leaving early. WTF.
CUT TO :
A few years later, I’m still raising my hand.
Dear Honorable Members of Congress,
Dear Honorable Executive Branch,
And
Everyone who cares about Art, Democracy, Civilization and Food,
SUBJECT :
Rescuing Independent Artists,
An Endangered Species,
(like Democracy)
from the
Gentrification Of Culture
President Biden described America in one word : POSSIBILITY.
I’m addressing you because I believe we have succumbed to a dominance/superiority – supremacy – based bully culture thwarting our possibility. The rise of supremacists might be the symptom of that malady and we might find cures by addressing the underlying causes. Nourishing the body of our democracy instead of pushing ourselves beyond the native wellness of our inherent humanity.
DISTRIBUTION of Movies is Like BEEF … or Generally, FOOD
It may seem odd, but I’m referencing Senator Jon Testers’ Montana bill, protecting small meat producers from the monopoly of mega-distributors here. Obstruction & lack of fairness in distribution opportunities for independent artists is oddly similar to that of beef/food. This also reeks from our nations’ dependence on oil and victimization at the hands of conservative obstructionism including the supremacist misogyny, racism & homophobia on display in the current state of the so-called Supreme Court.
Like Ben Franklin, influenced by the “Enlightenment,” we can push back the Dark Ages by unlocking that forbidden door embracing the heart of our resistance, choosing disobedience over dogma, lest we become willing victims of so many contemporary “blue-beards.”
The parallels to distribution of film, music, arts, humanities & other cultural “products” (among our greatest “exports” like Democracy) could not be more pressing as we approach upcoming elections. Of course, the big-money-media dominance problem likely stems from an antitrust problem that maintains artificial hierarchies of false superiority, so deeply entrenched, for so long, in the highly influential cultural “media products” we all consume daily (and export too) which has infected our global cultural psyche, railroaded political discourse into a reality show circus and left us, the planet, where we are today.
I am trying to share what you may not know about the day to day details affecting the soul of an independent artists’ life, the vocation, the “calling” of culture-making. I’m trying to build a case for some possible solutions that might help us all.
I’m an independent artist who founded my own SustainableStudiO™️ where we make movies, music & publishing about social & climate justice themes with diverse crews. When a small independent filmmaker, like myself, used her meager savings along with some angel investments to make a tiny highly innovative movie & album with a diverse all female crew and then went “begging” to several film distributors, their response-echo was invariably :
“we (the distributors) do not accept unsolicited submissions
from producers we have not worked with in the past.”
So, these distributors are admitting, in writing, the insanity : that if a filmmaker like me, has not distributed a movie with them before, there is NO WAY to distribute my independently made, non-corporate film in any of the major American cinema or global marketplaces and get paid fairly in order to continue to do my own life’s work. The entertainment industry is arguably among our most lucrative ( for the few ) & exported sources of “American made product.” Or, is it ?
We Need a Thriving Artist Community Of Non-Billionaires
Distributor responses like these, were most devastating from so called (imposters) “indie” distributors who held out promise to those of us creating fresh projects unaware that status quo is already busy buying up all the possibilities while portraying themselves to the public as though they themselves are “indies,” thieving from actual independent artists like myself, as we scrape together pennies in spite of the “gentrification of culture.”
“Gentrification of Culture”
“ Independent Artists are ‘First Responders’ to the Soul of Culture
Early on I recognized that my culture valued me as a “baby-maker” far more than it valued what I consider my “babies” : my works of art. Authentic independent artists need breathing room and respect, in the same way parents with young kids, senior citizens or students, are understood and valued in this culture. Yes this may seem a radical idea but guys, people have paid millions for the progeny of Van Gogh, Picasso, et. al … How about affording some grace for living artists? How about a similar tax structure for artists, like the great director John Huston initiated in Ireland?
Why are Corporate Entities allowed to appropriate / impersonate the important role of artists in culture? We have quietly slipped into an Entertainment Oligarchy where manufactured superiority rules. This “Dominance / Supremacist Fiscal Model” also reflects our dependence on the oil industry and victimhood to Conservative Obstructionism. This is us, in the fun-house fascist mirror we seem to find so fascinating. Lordy I hope we don’t find out for real. Popular culture tends to deride the “starving artist.” I’m asking us to consider, who is getting the last laugh and at what expense to democracy, freedom, civilization, the planet ?
Recently 60 minutes did a story about Wall Street taking over housing and making it almost impossible for people to own homes or pay rent in the 21st Century. The story aired on March 20, 2022. I’ve personally experienced the horrors of gentrification, when my own tiny sustainable, hand-built studio located in a sleepy little beach neighborhood was targeted by developers. We fought back. I’m asking us all to do the same.
Corporate talking heads blithely spout false equivalencies and casually endorse products like books, movies and other entertainment products on the so-called “news.” Our culture has long been indoctrinated into worshiping money and dominance, so we no longer show respect for authentic artists not “so-called-curated” by corporate gate-keepers. To me, that means we have lost respect for ourselves, doomed to be groomed in the worship of the corporation.
A compromised culture incubated, birthed, indoctrinated into gentrification
and “worshiping at the altar of wealth” will logically elevate notions like “superiority” and “dominance” at the expense of the necessary humanities that celebrate non-transactional human behaviors and values necessary to healthy culture and democracy. I am advocating for non-corporate, authentic independent artists but also for the simple concept of “truth.”
Who writes the A-List?
We need to support “artists for artist’s sake” which is to say “liberty” “freedom” and the “pursuit of happiness” for their own sake too. We need to secure “UNCURATED” yet remunerative spaces, for the artist in society. Europe and Canada maintain a healthy respect for artists, why can’t we?
Please help us all stay independent from the Cultural Industrial Complex, let’s create a “farmers’ market” for indie films & music. Let’s have an online space where seasoned directors & producers can directly communicate with newcomers like me. Let’s not limit our own possibilities, betray ourselves. Let us “raise our hands” in the global classroom, ask questions, not settle for the candidate, or the movie or album with the biggest budget, the loudest voice, the most cruel derisionor worse, the indifference of apathy.
Big money media is so dominant over every screen, from big screens to cell-phones, that they are literally “authoring” – “dictating” not just our thoughts, but the very process of thinking. We need new common sense thinking and action addressing culture-making by independent artists – and also – the mechanics of why we need to vote for ourselves.
The independent artist, unowned, like a public servant who does not answer to big money, is never beholden to big money corporate conglomerates
and therefore represents the deep “infrastructure” of the soul of our nation,
without which, we collapse deeper into the transactional, corporate, oligarchical reality show culture that got us where we are today.
So Let’s make the possibility of a better tomorrow possible. “
Important Update For 2023 & beyond: Tech Security Matters For Fairness in the Digital Economy
Some of the needed legislation that the FTC , White House Office Of Technology and the Consumer Finance Bureau could help us with – involves unfair business practices employed online by both big & small competitors with access to nefarious technological techniques used to downgrade competitors’ SEO , things like “shadow-banning” or SEO hacking – techniques which can be employed by publicists or anyone with access to this tech to lower artists’ and other small business presence online.
This ties in with our need for national online security. Truly a national security issue that should not be left to each individual computer / phone user because frankly, we can’t keep up with it.
“It takes astonishing courage to step out of the confines of linear expectations, walk alone into the woods with just a True North compass; to launch a small, single – woman sailboat into the Pacific, living out of the sea. Or – to make a film, in LA, with a beggars budget and, yet, have it all become so intellectually gratifying and allowing us to think on it long after.”
Times Square Chronicles Movie Review of Cali Lili ‘s Oscars 2020 Contender “Eve N’ God This Female Is Not Yet Rated “
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